UNIVERSITY  OF 

NORTH  CAROLINA 

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STUDJMMS  JFtHM  WMM  WMUDME 


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FOB  TKii 


WH®IL31   FAMEIL¥ 


Y@(UJM©  AMD  ®L© 


Ad  AM®  IFEEa^lLdB 


IB^1  a'S'IM^Sa'  IPIE53SIlP®SS,a 

Author  of  a  Treatise  on  Book-Keeping,  Time-Tables,  Interest  Tables,  &c 


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1 


I 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1832, 

By   LYMAN  PRESTON, 

in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the 
Southern  District  of  New- York. 


INTRODUCTORY   REMARKS, 


Properly  speaking,  this  little  work  consists  of  two 
parts,  the  first  having  been  more  particularly  designed 
for  the  amusement  and  instruction  of  children.  The 
second  part  comprises  a  variety  of  hints,  (some  of  which 
are  rather  broad  it  is  true,)  designed  to  entertain  the 
mind,  as  well  as  improve  the  morals  and  correct  the 
habits  of  youth ;  the  privilege  being  extended  to  heads 
of  families  to  read,  either  for  pastime  or  for  profit, 
should  they  discover  a  motive  so  to  do.  Truth  is  gene- 
rally salutary  in  its  effects,  when  uttered  in  a  proper 
manner,  and  with  just  motives,  even  though  it  appear 
to  be  tinctured  with  a  little  severity. 

It  is  not  presumed  that  the  fate  of  the  nation  depends 
upon  the  merits  of  this  humble  production, — humble  in 
its  origin  and  humble  in  its  pretensions, — but  it  is  con- 
soling to  know,  that  it  can  be  injurious  to  none,  and 
encouraging  to  hope  that  it  may  prove  beneficial  to 
many.  "  THE  AUTHOR. 


A 


% 


STORIES. 

PAlf  Fllgf, 


THE  PITCHFORK  STORY. 


Charles  was  a  little  boy  about  six  or  seven 
years  old,  and  was  very  fond  of  being  about  the 
barn  in  search  of  hens'  eggs,  and  to  see  the  swal- 
lows build  their  nests.  Charles  would  frequently 
climb  upon  the  hay-mow,  and  sometimes  he  would 
even  clamber  over  the  great  beam,  and  get  upon 
the  wheat  and  rye,  and  then  upon  the  oats,  and 
sometimes  he  would  look  all  about  the  flax  ;  for  the 
hens,  which  could  very  easily  fly  up  to  the  highest 
places  in  the  barn,  did  sometimes  lay  their  eggs 
on  the  wheat-mow  and  sometimes  on  the  oats. 
They  would  now  and  then  build  their  nests  on  the 
flax.  Charles  was  a  very  good  boy,  and  never  did 
any  thing  that  his  father  and  his  mother  told  him 
not  to  do  ;  and  as  they  had  told  him  not  to  meddle 
1* 


6  THE    PITCHFORK    STORY. 

with  the  swallows'  nests,  because  they  were  very 
harmless  birds,  he  was  careful  not  to  disturb  them 
any  more  than  he  could  help  ;  but  they  would  often 
fly  about  as  though  they  were  much  afraid  that  he 
would  tear  down  their  nests,  or  get  their  eggs,  or 
do  them  some  other  mischief.  It  happened  one 
day,  that  Henry,  who  was  Charles'  oldest  brother, 
had  been  out  to  the  barn  to  give  the  cattle  and 
sheep  some  hay,  while  Charles  was  engaged  in 
shelling  corn  for  the  fowls  ;  for  they  had  a  great 
many  turkeys,  geese,  and  ducks,  as  well  as  hens. 

When  Henry  had  done  feeding  the  cattle  and 
sheep  with  hay,  he  put  down  the  pitchfork  which 
he  had  been  using,  with  the  handle  standing  on  the 
floor,  and  the  sharp  tines  pointing  upward,  leaning 
against  the  hay-mow.  After  breakfast,  Charles 
went  to  the  barn  to  look  for  eggs  ;  for  he  had  been 
so  diligent  in  learning  his  lesson  at  school,  that 
his  mother  had  promised  to  bake  him  a  custard  and 
some  ginger-cake  on  that  day,  and  she  wanted 
some  eggs  to  put  into  them. 

After  looking  all  over  the  hay-mow,  Charles  had 
filled  his  hat  almost  full  of  eggs,  and  then  went  to 
the  edge  of  the  mow  to  slide  off,  not  knowing  that 
the  pitchfork  was  there ;  so  he  slid  down  right 
where  the  fork  stood,  and  the  sharp  tines  ran  into 
his  leg  quite  to  the  bone.  His  father  and  mother 
heard  him  cry  for  help,  and  they  went  to  the  barn 


THE    PITCHFORK    STORY.  7 

as  fast  as  they  could  run  ;  and  there  they  found 
him  lying  on  the  floor,  unable  to  help  himself  in 
the  least.  They  pulled  the  fork  oat  of  his  leg,  and 
took  him  in  their  arms  and  carried  him  into  the 
house,  and  put  him  on  the  bed.  They  washed  the 
blood  off  from  his  leg,  and  then  tied  it  up  with  a 
bandage,  and  wet  it  with  something  that  was 
thought  good  to  keep  out  the  inflammation.  Poor 
Charles  did  not  leave  his  room  for  several  weeks ; 
and  when  he  began  to  go  about  the  house  again, 
he  was  obliged  to  walk  with  crutches.  But  at 
length  he  got  entirely  well,  and  could  run  to  school 
as  fast  as  any  of  the  boys. 

Henry  was  very  sorry  that  lie  had  left  the  pitch- 
fork  with  the  tines  upward,  leaning  against  the 
hay-mow,  which  had  been  the  cause  of  so  much 
trouble ;  and  he  often  would  say,  that  if  he  had 
put  the  fork  in  its  proper  place,  with  the  tines 
downward  on  the  barn  floor,  then  Charles  would 
not  have  been  hurt  with  it.  I  hope  you  will  re- 
member never  to  leave  a  pitchfork  leaning  against 
the  hay-mow  with  the  tines  upward ;  but  always 
put  it  in  a  safe  place,  where  it  cannot  hurt  any 
body. 


THE  NAIL  STORY. 


When  I  was  a  young  lad,  like  other  boys,  I  was 
very  fond  of  play  when  I  was  out  of  school ;  but 
when  I  was  in  school,  I  was  equally  devoted  to  my 
books.  I  could  read,  and  write,  and  spell,  and  re- 
cite my  grammar  lesson  as  well  as  any  of  the  boys  ; 
and  in  a  short  time  I  could  say  the  multiplication 
table  all  by  heart.  And  when  I  was  at  home,  I 
did  not  spend  all  my  time  at  play,  but  improved 
a  good  deal  of  the  day  and  some  of  the  evening,  in 
looking  over  my  lessons  ;  for  I  did  not  like  to  have 
any  of  the  other  boys  get  before  me  in  any  thing 
that  we  were  told  to  learn.  There  were  some 
large  boys  that  could  not  read,  nor  write,  nor  spell ; 
neither  could  they  say  the  multiplication-table  as 
well  as  I  could  ;  and  the  reason  was,  they  did  not 
try  to  learn  any  thing. 

Not  far  distant  from  the  school-house  lived  a 
good  old  man  whom  the  school-children  used  to 
call  "  Uncle  Hall ;"  and  he  used  to  raise  a  great 
many  colts,  and  calves,  and  lambs  ;  and  all  the 
school-boys,  as  well  as  little  girls,  would  sometimes 
go,  when  school  was  out  at  noon,  to  see  Uncle 


THE    NAIL    STORY.  V 

Hall's  colts,  calves,  and  lambs.  Aunt  Susan  lived 
in  the  house  next  to  Uncle  Hall's  ;  and  she  kept  a 
great  flock  of  geese,  and  they  used  to  lay  ten  or  a 
dozen  eggs  every  spring,  and  then  hatch  their  gos- 
lings. 

One  day  my  brother  Samuel  and  myself  went 
down  into  the  pasture  lot  where  the  geese  were, 
with  all  their  young  goslings.  I  shall  never  forget 
how  pretty  the  dear  little  plump  creatures  looked. 
Their  legs  were  so  short,  and  their  little  bodies  so 
fat,  that  they  could  but  just  waddle  about.  When 
we  had  looked  at  them  long  enough,  we  started  to 
go  to  the  school  house  again.  On  our  way  back, 
we  passed  directly  by  Aunt  Susan's  garden,  which 
was  enclosed  with  a  board  fence  ;  and,  as  ill  luck 
would  have  it,  one  of  the  boards  had  been  torn  off 
by  some  of  the  oxen  or  cows  ;  and  in  it  was  a 
rusty  nail,  with  the  point  upward.  My  brother 
Samuel  did  not  see  the  nail ;  and  as  he  was  run- 
ning in  a  direction  which  led  to  the  very  spot 
where  it  was,  he  stepped  right  upon  its  point.  It 
would  be  difficult  to  tell  how  much  it  hurt  him,  but 
you  will  readily  suppose  that  it  was  a  painful 
wound.  It  was  well  that  I  was  with  him  to  pull 
it  out  of  his  foot  ;  for  if  he  had  been  alone,  he  must 
have  waited  till  Aunt  Susan  had  come  all  the  way 
from  the  house,  to  assist  him.  We  made  out  to 
get  as  far  as  Uncle  Hall's  house,  where  we  stopped 


10  THE   NAIL   STORY. 

and  told  the  old  gentleman  of  our  misfortune.  Af- 
ter having  told  our  story,  he  got  some  salve  and  a 
bandage,  and  tied  up  Samuel's  foot  in  the  best 
manner  he  could  ;  and  then  he  went  and  got  his 
horse  and  wagon  and  put  both  of  us  into  it,  and 
carried  us  home  to  our  house.  Samuel  did  not  get 
well  enough  to  go  to  school  again  for  several  weeks, 
but  was  obliged  to  stay  in  the  house  at  home,  until 
it  was  thought  prudent  for  him  to  go  out  again. 

Aunt  Susan's  hired  man  knew  that  this  board 
with  the  sharp  nail  in  it,  had  been  torn  from  the 
fence,  for  he  had  passed  by  it  several  times,  and 
saw  it  lie  on  the  ground  ;  but  he  was  either  too 
lazy,  or  too  thoughtless  of  any  danger,  to  turn  the 
board  over  or  to  pull  out  the  nail,  which,  had  he 
done,  my  brother  would  not  have  hurt  himself 
with  it. 

If  you  ever  see  any  nails  in  boards  about  the 
house,  barn,  or  fence,  with  the  point  upward,  re- 
member to  turn  the  points  downward.  Bend  them 
down  with  a  stone  or  hammer,  or,  what  is  better, 
pull  them  out.  By  doing  this,  you  will  secure 
yourself  and  others  from  danger,  and  may  prevent 
the  loss  of  a  leg  and  perhaps  of  life  ;  for  a  wound 
from  a  nail  has  sometimes  given  persons  the  lock- 
jaw, which  has  caused  their  death. 


THE  PICTURE  STORY 


When  I  was  in  Petersburg,  a  town  situated  on 
the  Appomattox  river,  in  the  State  of  Virginia,  I 
was  walking  through  one  of  the  streets,  where  my 
attention  was  taken  by  a  very  curious  sign  hang- 
ing  out  in  front  of  a  hat  store.  The  design  of  the 
picture  was  to  represent  a  hat  in  the  water,  and  a 
little  child  in  the  hat  floating  about  upon  the  sur= 
face.  A  spaniel  dog,  having  discovered  the  peril- 
ous situation  of  the  child,  which  was  fast  asleep, 
with  its  little  thumb  in  its  mouth,  had  plunged  into 
the  water,  swam  to  the  muskrat  vessel,  and,  having 
taken  the  brim  in  his  mouth,  was  returning  to  the 
shore.  I  did  not  stop  to  see  whether  the  dog  got 
both  the  hat  and  the  child  safe  on  land,  or  not ; 
but  he  was  a  good,  stout-looking  dog,  and  I  have 
no  doubt  that  he  accomplished  his  undertaking  as 
far  as  it  was  possible  a  dog  in  a  picture  could  do. 
It  was  a  pretty  picture,  and  I  wish  you  could  see 
it.  If  you  ever  go  to  Petersburg,  you  must  stop 
and  look  at  it. 

In  Petersburg  there  are  as  many  black  people  as 
there  are  white  folks.     I  saw  a  great  many  little 


12  THE    PICTURE    STORY. 

black  boys  and  girls  not  bigger  than  you  are.  They 
do  not  go  to  school  as  you  do,  but  they  spend  their 
time  at  play,  until  they  are  old  enough  to  work  : 
then  they  hoe  corn  and  raise  tobacco. 

The  man  who'  kept  the  house  where  I  stopped, 
had  a  little  puppy  and  a  little  kitten.  They  were 
quite  fond  of  milk,  and  would  both  eat  out  of  one 
pan.  When  they  had  eaten  as  '  much  as  they 
wanted,  then  they  would  run  and  play  about  the 
house  until  they  were  tired.  The  puppy  would 
bark  at  the  kitten  ;  but  he  did  not  dare  to  bite  her 
very  hard,  for  if  he  did,  she  would  scratch  him  in 
his  face  with  her  sharp  claws, 

I  have  heard  a  great  many  curious  stories  about 
dogs  ;  but  whether  they  are  all  true  or  not,  I  can- 
not tell.  When  I  was  riding  in  the  stage,  from 
Baltimore  to  the  city  of  Washington,  a  gentleman 
told  me  that  a  certain  man  owned  a  large  dog; 
but  that  he  got  tired  of  keeping  him  :  so  he  took 
him  into  a  skiff  and  went  out  into  the  middle  of  a 
deep  river,  with  an  intention  to  drown  him.  But 
in  trying  to  fling  the  dog  into  the  water,  the  skiff 
upset,  and  turned  both  the  dog  and  his  master  into 
the  river  together.  The  dog  was  a  large,  stout 
animal,  and  could  swim  almost  as  well  as  a  duck  ; 
but  the  man  could  not  swim  at  all.  The  dog  saw 
that  his  master  could  not  swim  ;  and  as  he  was 
sinking  under  the  water,  the  faithful  animal  caught 


THE    PICTURE    STORY.  13 

him  by  the  collar  of  his  coat,  with  his  mouth,  held 
him  up  and  swam  to  the  shore,  not  quitting  his 
hold  till  he  saw  his  master  safe  on  land. 

If  this  story  be  true,  how  greatly  was  this  man 
indebted  to  his  dog,  for  the  preservation  of  his  life, 
and  that,  too,  at  a  moment  set  apart  by  the  master 
for  the  destruction  of  his  faithful  and  affectionate 
deliverer  !  I  have  no  doubt  that  this  man  was 
very  sorry  he  had  tried  to  drown  his  dog  ;  and  to 
atone  for  his  error,  I  think  it  quite  likely  that  he 
fed  him  and  took  good  care  of  him  as  long  as  he 
lived.  Every  body  that  keeps  a  dog,  should  feed 
him  enough  to  make  him  comfortable,  and  should 
also  make  a  little  coop  or  box,  and  put  some  straw 
in  it  for  him  to  sleep  on  in  cold  weather.  In  the 
summer  season,  when  it  is  warm,  they  do  not  need 
any  shelter  ;  but  in  cold  weather  they  suffer  very 
much,  if  they  have  no  shelter  to  sleep  under.  I  do 
not  like  to  see  a  dog  in  the  house,  at  any  time, 
especially  if  he  be  a  large  dog.  Little  lap-dogs  are 
not  quite  so  offensive  in  the  house,  as  large  ones 
are.  One  day,  one  of  my  neighbors  came  to  my 
house,  and  his  great,  black  dog  came  with  him  ; 
and  his  master  did  not  know  any  better  than  to 
let  his  dog  come  in  with  himself.  I  was  very  glad 
when  they  were  both  gone  ;  and  I  hope  the  man 
will  not  come  to  my  house  again,  until  he  has 
learned  to  make  his  dog  siay  out  of  doors.     I  wish 


14  THE   PICTURE   STORY. 

to  treat  my  neighbors  with  all  due  respect,  but  I 
cannot  be  taxed  with  civilities  for  their  dogs.  I 
would  as  soon  allow  my  friends  to  bring  their 
calves  into  my  house,  as  their  dogs. 


THE  UNFORTUNATE  BOY. 


The  town  of  Utica  is  a  handsome  place,  and 
there  are  a  great  many  inhabitants  there— some 
old  men  and  some  young  men, besides  women,  boys, 
and  girls.  The  town  of  Utica  is  nearly  one  hun- 
dred miles  from  Albany.  It  is  in  Oneida  county, 
and  State  of  New-York.  I  lived  in  this  village  a 
great  many  years  ;  and  I  shall  remember  all  about 
it,  till  I  get  to  be  an  old  man.  The  recollection 
of  going  to  church  on  Sunday,  and  of  going  to 
singing-school  on  Tuesday  evening,  is  still  fresh  in 
my  mind.  But  these  pleasant  seasons  of  my  youth 
have  now  gone  by.  I  no  longer  sing  or  play  upon 
the  flute,  as  I  used  to  do  when  I  lived  in  Utica. 

I  am  going  to  tell  you  a  story  of  a  little  boy, 
whose  name  was  Philip.  He  lived  at  the  same 
house  where  I  boarded ;  and  he  used  to  bring  in 
wood,  and  make  fires ;  and  when  we  wanted  wa- 
ter, he  would  go  to  the  well  and  get  a  pail  or  pitcher 
full.  The  barn  was  not  far  from  the  house,  and  in 
it  were  three  or  four  horses  that  belonged  to  some 
strangers  who  had  come  to  town  on  a  visit  to  their 
frientif*.  and  to  buy  some  sugar-candy  and  picture- 


16  THE    UNFORTUNATE    BOY. 

books  for  their  children.  Philip  had  been  told  not 
to  go  near  the  horses  ;  but  he  was  so  fond  of  look- 
ing at  them,  that  he  ventured  to  disobey  his  orders, 
and  ran  out  to  the  barn,  thinking  he  would  not 
stay  but  a  minute,  and  then  return  to  the  house,  so 
that  nobody  should  know  that  he  had  been  there 
at  all.  But  while  running  about  the  stable,  and 
looking  at  the  new  carriages,  and  harness,  and 
whips,  he  went  so  near  to  the  horses,  that  one  of 
them  kicked  him  flat  in  his  face,  which  knocked 
him  senseless  upon  the  floor.  One  of  the  neigh- 
bors happened  to  be  going  by  the  barn,  shortly  af- 
ter, and,  looking  in,  saw  Philip  lying  stretched  out, 
apparently  as  dead  as  a  stick  of  wood.  The  man 
who  saw  him  lying  there,  went  in  and  took  him 
in  his  arms,  and  brought  him  into  the  house.  The 
blood  ran  down  his  face  in  almost  a  stream  ;  for 
the  horse  had  been  shod  but  a  short  time  before? 
and  the  sharp  corks  had  cut  a  deep  hole  in  his 
forehead,  and  split  his  nose  from  one  end  to  the 
other.  The  doctor  was  sent  for  immediately,  to 
come  and  see  him.  When  the  doctor  came,  he 
took  a  rag  and  some  water  and  washed  off  the 
blood  ;  and  then  took  a  needle  and  thread  and 
sewed  his  nose  together  again.  He  was  so  badly 
hurt  by  the  horse,  that  he  did  not  know  they  were 
sewing  up  his  nose,  until  they  had  got  it  almost 
done :  but  when  he  came  to  his  senses,  and  found 


THE    UNFORTUNATE    BOY.  17 

they  were  sewing  up  his  nose,  and  saw  the  blood 
aH  over  his  clothes,  he  began  to  struggle  and  groan 
in  a  most  pitiful  manner.  When  they  had  dressed 
his  wounds,  they  put  him  into  bed,  where  he  re« 
mained  for  a  week  without  going  out  of  doors  once. 
His  face  and  head  swelled  up  almost  as  big  as  a 
calf's  head.  During  two  days,  he  could  not  see 
any  thing  at  all ;  and  he  ate  nothing  for  some  time, 
but  chicken-broth  and  milk-porridge.  In  about 
three  weeks  he  got  so  well  that  he  could  go  about 
the  house  ;  but  his  nose  never  looked  as  handsome 
after  it  was  hurt,  as  it  did  before. 

Now  if  Philip  had  kept  away  from  the  horses, 
as  he  was  told  to  do,  he  would  not  have  been  hurt. 
The  object  in  telling  you  this  story,  i3  to  remind 
you  of  the  danger  of  going  too  near  strange  horses. 
You  should  always  keep  at  a  good  distance  from 
them,  and  then  they  will  not  hurt  you.  Some 
horses  are  good-natured,  and  will  not  kick  unless 
you  go  suddenly  up  to  them,  without  speaking  to 
them  to  let  them  know  that  you  are  corning.  My 
cream-colored  horse  is  a  good-natured  creature, 
and  he  likes  very  much  to  have  me  go  into  tho 
stable  where  he  is,  and  card  him  and  feed  him  with 
hay  and  oats;  but'l  always  speak  to  him  some 
time  before  I  get  near  him,  to  let  him  know  that 
I  am  coming  ;  for  if  I  were  to  go  suddenly  into  the 
stable  without  saying  any  thing,  I  should  be  afraid 


18  THE   UNFORTUNATE    BOY. 

he  would  kick  or  bite  me.  Sometimes  horses  will 
kick  and  bite  little  boys,  although  they  will  not 
hurt  a  man.  They  know  very  well  that  little  boys 
have  no  right  to  meddle  with  them  ;  and  I  think, 
after  reading  this  story  about  poor  Philip,  you  will 
not  go  near  the  horses'  heads  or  heels,  unless  your 
father  is  with  you;  and  even  then,  you  had  better 
keep  so  far  off  that  they  cannot  reach  you.  Poor 
Philip's  nose,  for  a  time,  was  out  of  repair  in  good 
earnest ;  and  to  the  disgrace  of  parents  and  teach- 
ers, I  must  take  this  opportunity  to  remark,  that 
in  travelling  over  the  country,  I  often,  very  often, 
meet,  not  only  with  Utile  boys  and  girls,  but  large 
boys  and  girls  also,  whose  noses  are  most  shock- 
ingly out  of  repair,  not  from  having  been  kicked 
by  a  horse,  as  was  poor  Philip's,  but  from  the  or- 
dinary changes  of  the  weather.  A  hint  to  those 
who  would  be  decent,  is  sufficient.  If  you  do  not 
understand  what  I  mean,  perhaps  your  parents  or 
school-teacher  can  tell  you. 


THE  FIRE  STORY 


There  were  two  brothers,  whose  names  were 
Robert  and  Stephen,  residing  in  the  town  of  Au- 
burn, in  the  State  of  New-York,  who  had  been 
promised  by  their  father,  that  if  they  would  be 
good  boys,  and  learn  their  lessons  at  school,  and 
read  their  books  at  home,  he  would  buy  each  of 
them  a  pen-knife,  the  first  time  he  went  to  the  city 
of  New- York.  Now  the  city  of  New- York  is  a 
great  city,  much  larger  than  Hudson,  Albany,  or 
Troy  ;  and  pen-knives  for  little  boys,  and  scissors 
for  little  girls,  can  be  bought  in  the  city  of  New- 
York,  cheaper  than  in  Utica,  Auburn,  Geneva, 
Canandaigua,  Rochester,  or  Buffalo.  All  the  mer- 
chants  sell  pen-knives  and  fish-hooks,  as  well  as 
scissors  and  thimbles,  and  various  other  things, 
very  low,  even  in  all  these  towns  that  I  have  named 
to  you, 

I  believe  they  sell  some  jack-knives  for  twelve 
cents  ;  and  some  very  good  double-bladed  knives 
for  twenty-five  cents.    Some  fish-hooks  are  worth 


20  THE    FIRE    TTORY, 

one  cent,  and  some  two  cents.  Scissors  and  thim- 
bles for  little  girls,  can  be  purchased  for  a  small 
sum  of  money.  Robert  and  Stephen  were  much 
pleased  to  think  that  if  they  learned  their  lessons 
well,  they  would  have  each  of  them  a  new  knife  ; 
so  they  lost  but  little  time  at  play,  for  fear  they 
should  not  be  entitled  to  the  presents  which  their 
father  had  mentioned  to  them.  They  rose  early 
in  the  morning,  washed  their  hands  and  faces,  and 
combed  their  heads  ;  nor  did  they  forget  to  clean 
their  finger-nails,  as  most  boys  do.  As  soon  as 
they  were  dressed,  then  they  would  go  and  get 
their  books,  and  read  three  or  four  pages  before 
breakfast.  Their  father  saw  that  they  were  de- 
termined to  learn  their  books  and  be  good  boys  ; 
and  when  he  went  to  the  city  of  New-York,  he 
remembered  what  he  had  promised  to  get  them  ; 
so  he  purchased  for  Stephen  and  Robert,  each  of 
them,  a  pen-knife  and  a  fish-hook.  When  he  came 
home,  they  both  ran  to  see  if  ffieir  father  had 
brought  their  presents  with  him  ;  so  he  took  them 
out  of  his  pocket,  and  gave  them  the  reward  that 
he  had  promised  them.  Their  sister  Mary,  too, 
had  been  promised  a  thimble  and  a  pair  of  scissors  ; 
so,  as  soon  as  she  found  that  her  father  had  got 
home,  she  ran  to  get  her  presents  also.  Her  fa- 
ther had  bought  her  a  newr  silver  thimble,  and  a 
pair  of  little  scissors  that  were  very  bright  and 


THE   FIRE    STORY.  21 

handsome,  and  they  would  cut  paper,  and  ribbon, 
and  silk,  and  every  thing  else  that  she  wanted  to 
cut  with  them.  Robert  and  Stephen  had  laid  up 
some  small  pine  sticks,  on  purpose  to  whittle  with 
their  new  knives.  The  firs.t  thing  they  made,  was 
a  little  kite.  The  two  boys  made  the  frame,  which 
they  whittled  to  its  proper  shape  and  size,  with 
their  new  knives  ;  and  Mary  cut  the  paper  to  cover 
the  frame,  with  the  new  scissors  which  her  father 
had  bought  for  her  in  New-York. 

One  day,  when  Mr.  Edwards  and  his  wife,  who 
were  the  father  and  mother  of  these  children,  had 
gone  to  Geneva,  a  distance  of  about  twenty  miles, 
to  see  their  friends,  Robert  and  Stephen  were  left 
at  home  to  take  care  of  the  house  and  watch  the 
fire.  But  they  were  so  much  delighted  with  their 
kite,  that  they  left  the  house,  and  went  into  the 
street  to  fly  their  kite.  They  had  not  been  gone 
more  than  one  hour,  when  they  heard  the  cry  of 
Fire !  Fire  !  !  Fire !  !  !  They  ran  back  to  the 
house,  where  they  found  the  whole  town  and  all 
the  engines  collected  to  put  out  the  fire  ;  for  while 
they  were  gone,  a  brand  had  tumbled  down,  and 
some  of  the  coals  had  fallen  upon  the  floor,  which 
had  set  fire  to  the  house.  Before  the  people  could 
get  to  the  house,  the  fire  had  burned  a  great  hole 
in  the  floor,  and  had  also  demolished  the  stand-table 
that  stood  near  the  fire-place.     As  ill  luck  would 


22  THE    FIRE    STORY. 

have  it,  Robert  and  Stephen  had  left  their  knives 
on  the  stand-table,  and  of  coarse  they  were  burned 
up  with  the  table.  It  happened  very  well  that  the 
people  of  the  village  got  to  the  house  as  soon  as 
they  did  ;  for  if  they  had  been  a  little  later,  the 
whole  house  and  every  thing  in  it,  would  have  been 
destroyed.  But  when  they  saw  the  smoke,  they 
all  ran  with  their  engines,  and  buckets,  and  pails 
full  of  water,  which  they  dashed  on  the  fire,  and 
put  it  out  before  it  had  done  any  more  mischief 
than  to  burn  a  hole  in  the  floor,  and  to  burn  up  the 
table  with  the  two  knives.  Mary  had  put  her 
scissors  and  thimble  in  her  work-pocket,  which  she 
had  hung  up  in  the  bed  room  ;  so  that  they  were 
not  burned.  I  had  forgotten  to  tell  you  that  Mary 
had  gone  with  her  father  and  mother  to  Geneva, 
to  see  her  cousins  ;  and  when  she  came  home,  she 
was  very  glad  to  find  that  her  presents  had  not 
been  burned  up,  as  were  the  pen-knives  which  had 
been  given  to  Robert  and  Stephen.  If  these  boys 
had  taken  good  care  of  the  fire,  before  they  went 
to  fly  their  kite,  their  pen-knives  would  not  have 
been  burned  up. 

When  I  was  a  little  boy,  and  my  parents  left  me 
at  home  alone,  I  used  to  be  very  particular  to  put 
the  fire  in  such  a  condition  that  it  could  not  do  any 
mischief;  and  when  I  went  to  bed  at  night,  I  used 
to  put  the  andirons  before  the  fire,  and  lay  the 


THE    FIRE    STORY.  23 

brands  flat  down  on  the  hearth,  and  cover  them  up 
carefully  with  ashes.  You  cannot  be  too  careful 
with  fire  ;  for,  although  it  is  a  good  servant,  yet 
it  is  a  bad  master, 


V 


A  NOVEL  REQUEST. 


A  lady  of  my  acquaintance,  by  way  of  amusing 
herself  and  little  boy  Daniel,  took  her  scissors  and 
cut  a  piece  of  paper  into  the  form  of  a  heart. 
With  this  little  plaything,  Daniel  was  much  pleased 
but  not  fully  satisfied,  as  would  appear  from  the 
additional  request  which  he  immediately  made,  that 
his  mother  would  cut  for  him  a  paper  soul,  to  keep 
the  heart  company.  The  good  lady  was  a  very 
indulgent  mother  ;  but  it  is  hardly  necessary  to 
add,  that  she  diverted  the  little  boy's  curiosity  by 
some  other  more  practicable  specimen  of  her  skill. 


TEACHING  YOUNG  CATTLE  TO 
WORK. 


When  I  was  a  little  boy  about  ten  or  eleven 
years  old,  I  was  very  fond  of  going  into  the  field 
to  see  the  oxen  draw  the  plough.  In  the  spring 
of  the  year,  when  it  was  time  to  sow  oats  and. 
peas,  and  to  prepare  the  ground  for  planting  corn, 
my  father  would  sometimes  let  me  go  with  him  to 
drive  the  oxen.  My  father  would  not  allow  me  to 
whip  the  oxen  any  more  than  was  necessary,  be- 
cause it  hurt  the  cattle,  he  said,  to  be  whipped,  as 
bad  as  it  did  any  human  being. 

I  remember  one  day  that  was  quite  warm,  when 
I  went  into  the  field  to  harrow  in  peas,  with  the 
old  oxen  and  a  yoke  of  young  steers.  The  old 
oxen  had  been  accustomed  to  work,  and  would  do 
just  as  I  wanted  them  to  do  ;  but  the  steers  were 
not  much  acquainted  with  the  business,  and  they 
would  try  to  get  away  ;  but  the  old  oxen  which 
were  before  them,  would  not  let  them  go  any  where 
except  where  they  went  themselves.  I  did  not 
whip  the  steers  much,  but  tried  to  tame  them  by 
carding  them  with  a  card,  and  giving  them  now 


26  TEACHING  YOUNG  CATTLE  TO  WORK. 

and  then  an  ear  of  corn  ;  and  about  noon  I  gave 
them  some  water  in  a  pail.  They  seemed  to  be 
very  much  pleased  with  this  kind  treatment  ;  and 
in  a  short  time  they  were  as  steady  as  the  old  oxen. 
It  is  exceeding  cruel  and  wicked  to  whip  young 
steers,  when  they  are  first  yoked  up  to  be  taught 
to  work,  When  we  speak  to  them,  they  do  not 
understand  what  we  mean,  and  they  are  afraid  of 
us  and  afraid  of  our  whip.  My  uncle  Barnes  was 
a  very  thoughtful,  good  sort  of  a  man,  and  was 
much  liked  by  every  body  who  knew  him,  not  only 
because  he  was  an  obliging  neighbor,  but  also  be- 
cause he  was  merciful  towards  his  cattle.  He 
took  great  pains  to  build  good  shelters  for  every 
creature  that  he  owned  ;  and  when  the  cold,  stormy 
weather  came  on,  they  all  knew  where  to  go  to 
find  a  good,  dry,  and  comfortable  place.  When  he 
wanted  to  teach  his  steers  to  work,  he  would  yoke 
them  up  and  let  them  remain  in  the  yard  all  day ; 
and  when  they  had  learned  by  experience,  that  the 
yoke  did  not  hurt  them,  and  that  they  could  eat 
hay,  and  walk  about  the  barn-yard  with  the  yoke 
on  their  necks,  he  would  then  let  them  run  a  part 
of  a  day  in  the  lot,  with  the  yoke  on  them.  He 
called  this  teaching  them  their  A,  B,  C.  As  soon 
as  they  had  learned  these  easy  lessons,  he  put  them 
behind  a  steady  horse  or  an  old  yoke  of  oxen,  and 
made  them  draw  a  sled  or  cart.     In  this  gentle 


TEACHING    YOUNG    CATTLE   TO   WORK.   2? 

way,  in  a  short  time  he  taught  them  how  to  be- 
have, without  whipping  them  but  a  very  little. 

I  had  forgotten  to  tell  you  that,  when  I  went 
with  my  father  to  help  drag  in  peas,  one  of  the 
oxen  came  within  one  inch  of  stepping  flat  upon 
a  little  bird's  nest  that  had  been  built  under  a  clod, 
and  which  had  four  handsome,  speckled,  little  eggs 
in  it.  One  minute  more,  and  the  harrow  had  run 
over  the  spot  where  the  nest  was,  and  torn  it  all 
in  pieces,  and  broken  every  one  of  the  eggs  ;  but 
as  soon  as  I  saw  the  nest,  I  moved  the  harrow  on 
one  side,  so  that  it  passed  by  without  breaking  the 
eggs,  or  doing  the  nest  any  injury.  In  about  four 
weeks  afterwards,  I  went  to  the  place  where  the 
nest  was,  and  my  brother  James,  and  my  sister 
Nancy,  went  with  me,  to  see  what  had  become  of 
the  eggs ;  and  as  soou  as  we  arrived  at  the  spot, 
we  looked  under  the  clod,  and,  behold  !  there  were 
four  pretty,  little,  young  birds  which  had  been 
hatched  from  the  four  eggs.  Nancy  was  so  much 
pleased  with  the  little  birds,  that  she  took  one  of 
them  out  of  the  nest,  put  it  into  her  apron,  and 
carried  it  home.  As  soon  as  she  got  to  the  house, 
she  began  to  think  that  she  had  done  wrong  in  ta- 
king the  bird  from  the  nest,  for  she  had  no  cage 
to  put  it  into  ;  and  if  she  put  it  on  the  floor,  the 
cat  would  be  certain  to  kill  it  :  besides,  she  began 
to  consider  how  unhappy  the  little  bird  would  feel 


28  TEACHING  YOUNG  CATTLE  TO  WORK, 

to  be  separated  from  its  mother,  and  how  sorry  tho 
old  bird  would  be,  to  find  that  one  of  her  young 
ones  had  been  taken  away.  So  she  concluded  to 
carry  the  little  bird  back  again,  and  put  it  in  the 
nest  with  the  other  three,  there  to  remain  until  it 
should  become  large  and  strong  enough  to  fly  about 
and  take  care  of  itself.  I  am  very  glad  that  the 
bird  was  carried  back  to  the  nest  again;  and  I 
presume  you  are  so,  too. 


THE  MAN  AND  TIGER. 


There  are  a  great  many  kinds  of  animals  in  the 
world.  Some  are  small  and  very  timid,  and  will 
run  away  as  fast  as  they  can,  when  they  see  a 
man  coming  where  they  are.  These  small  ani- 
mals, such  as  squirrels,  foxes,  deer,  and  racoons, 
are  also  afraid  of  little  boys  and  girls ;  and  they 
are  so  spry,  that  nobody  can  run  fast  enough  to 
catch  them.  There  are  some  large  animals  that 
are  not  afraid  of  any  body.  If  a  man  were  to  go 
near  a  lion  or  a  tiger,  he  would  be  torn  in  pieces 
very  quickly.  A  lion's  teeth  and  claws  are  so 
sharp  and  strong,  that  he  is  more  dreadful  than  al- 
most any  other  animal.  He  could  kill  a  sheep  or 
a  calf,  and  tear  it  in  pieces  in  five  minutes.  He 
is  called  a  beast  of  prey,  because  he  kills  and  eats 
other  animals.  Lions  and  tigers  are  natives  of 
Africa  and  Asia.  The  people  of  those  countries 
frequently  go  out  to  hunt  these  fierce  animals  ;  and 
if  they  find  any  young  ones  in  the  den,  when  the 
old  ones  are  gone  from  home,  they  take  them  alive, 
and  carry  them  to  their  houses  in  their  arms  ;  and 
when  they  became  so  large  as  to  be  ungovernable 
*3 


30  THE    MAN    AND    TIGER. 

they  sell  them  to  be  put  in  a  strong  iron  cage,  and 
carried  about  for  a  show.  Perhaps  you  have  seen 
a  lion  in  a  cage  already  ;  if  you  have  not,  it  is  quite 
likely  you  will  have  an  opportunity  to  see  one  be- 
fore you  get  to  be  a  man,  for  they  are  carried  about 
the  country  in  cages  almost  every  year,  on  purpose 
to  shjgw  to  people.  I  once  paid  twenty. five  cents 
to  see  a  lion,  but  they  let  me  see  an  elephant,  a 
camel,  two  wolves,  and  a  little  pony  horse  in  the 
bargain.  They  did  not  ask  but  twelve  cents  of 
little  boys  and  girls  that  went  to  see  this  caravan 
of  animals.  They  never  do  ask  them  but  half 
price  for  seeing  a  show,  and  I  believe  they  do  not 
charge  little  children  but  half  price  for  going  into 
the  museum,  where  they  have  a  great  many  curi- 
ous things. 

When  I  was  in  the  city  of  New-York,  I  saw  a 
picture  of  a  man  in  the  top  of  a  high  tree,  and  a 
large  tiger  climbing  up  after  him.  The  man  had 
a  hatchet  in  his  hand,  that  he  had  carried  up  with 
him  ;  and  it  was  his  intention  to  strike  the  tiger 
with  its  sharp  edge,  when  he  got  so  near  that  he 
could  reach  him  with  it.  It  so  happened,  that 
when  the  tiger  had  climbed  about  half  way  up  the 
tree,  a  party  of  men  who  had  gene  out  for  the  pur- 
pose of  hunting  wild  beasts,  passed  near  to  the  very 
spot  where  this  tree  stood  ;  and  one  of  the  men 
who  had  a  bow  and  plenty  of  arrows  with  him,  saw 


THE    MAN   AND   TIGER.  31 

the  tiger  climbing  up  after  the  man  that  was  in 
the  top  of  the  tree  ;  so  he  went  and  shot  nine  or 
ten  of  his  sharp  pointed  arrows  at  the  tiger,  which 
wounded  him  so  much,  that  at  last  the  ferocious 
animal  let  go  his  hold,  and  fell  to  the  ground  per- 
fectly dead. 

As  soon  as  it  was  discovered  that  the  tiger  was 
dead,  the  man  who  was  in  the  top  of  the  tree,  came 
down,  and  took  the  lifeless  beast  on  his  shoulder 
and  carried  him  home  to  his  house.  Then  he  took 
a  knife  and  skinned  the  tiger,  and  then  he  tanned 
the  skin  into  leather,  and  then  made  himself  a 
roundabout  coat  of  the  skin,  which  proved  to  be  a 
very  excellent  garment,  for  it  would  keep  out  the 
cold  as  well  as  the  rain.  It  was  a  queer  looking 
coat,  but  it  lasted  him  a  great  many  years,  and 
kept  him  warm  and  dry.  When  it  had  got  to  be 
an  old  coat,  and  the  cuffs  worn  off,  and  holes  were 
in  the  elbows,  they  made  a  small  jacket  of  the  best 
part  of  it,  for  one  of  the  little  boys.  I  dare  say 
that  by  this  time  the  coat  is  all  worn  out,  for  I 
have  heard  nothing  about  it  for  a  long  time. 

I  cannot  stay  to  tell  you  any  thing  more  about 
wild  animals  at  present,  for  I  am  going  to  New- 
Haven  to-day  to  see  my  friends,  and  it  is  now  al- 
most nine  o'clock,  and  the  steam-boat  bell  is  now 
ringing  for  the  passengers  to  go  on  board  ;  but 
when  I  come  back  again,  it  is  quite  possible  that 


32  THE   MAN   AND   TIGER. 

I  may  tell  you  another  story.  If  you  should  ever 
come  where  I  live,  I  hope  you  will  call  and  see  me, 
and  let  me  hear  you  read  and  spell ;  for  I  am  al- 
ways glad  to  see  little  boys  and  girls  who  love  to 
go  to  school,  and  learn  to  read  their  books. 


*3 


CRUELTY  TO  ANIMALS. 


When  I  was  travelling  from  Portsmouth  to  Port- 
land, the  coach  made  a  halt  at  a  tavern  to  change 
horses.  We  had  a  very  handsome  coach,  and  two 
large  white  horses  to  go  before  it.  These  horses 
would  trot  very  fast,  and  sometimes,  when  the  road 
was  quite  smooth  and  level,  they  would  gallop  over 
the  ground  in  a  cheerful  and  pleasant  manner. 

At  the  tavern  where  we  stopped  to  feed  the 
-horses,  there  were  nine  or  ten  cattle  standing  about 
the  yardj  and  among  them  were  three  or  four 
yearling  calves,  that  looked  very  sorrowful.  I  have 
no  doubt  they  were  exceedingly  hungry,  for  they 
did  not  appear  as  though  they  had  eaten  any  thing 
for  two  or  three  days.  These  poor  creatures  kept 
up  a  continual  bellowing,  it  being  the  only  wayr 
they  had  of  telling  their  distress.  I  felt  very  sorry 
for  these  hungry  calves  ;  but  there  was  an  unfeel- 
ing, cruel  man,  whose  duty  it  was  to  assist  in 
feeeing  horses,  that  appeared  to  he  quite  angry ; 
and  said  if  the  calves  did  not  stop  bellowing,  he 
would  get  an  axe  and  knock  them  in  the  head, 
But  he  could  not  find  an  axe,  so  he  picked  up  a 


34  CRUELTY   TO   ANIMALS. 

stone  as  large  as  an  apple,  and  flung  it  at  one  of 
the  poor  creatures,  and  hit  it  on  the  unprotected, 
bony  part  of  his  nose,  which,  judging  from  the 
echo  that  resounded,  and  the  great  uneasiness  that 
the  harmless  creature  manifested,  must  have  pro- 
duced great  pain.  What  shall  we  think  of  such 
an  act  of  cruelty  as  this  ?  The  man  who  would 
commit  such  a  wanton  outrage  upon  a  poor,  inof- 
fensive, brute  animal,  would  rob  and  murder  his 
fellow-man,  were  it  not  for  the  restraining  terrors 
of  the  law. 

How  often  do  we  witness  scenes  of  useless,  un- 
provoked, and  undeserved  cruelty  like  that  which 
Ave  have  here  related  !  Indeed,  so  common  are 
such  painful  occurrences,  (painful  to  the  subject  of 
cruelty,  and  painful  to  the  thinking  and  feeling 
beholder,)  that  it  becomes  almost  a  matter  of  doubt, 
which  of  the  two  is  endowed  with  the  highest 
faculty  of  reason — the  brute  beast,  or  the  man 
beast.  I  hope  you  never  will  be  guilty  of  such 
cruelty  to  animals. 


ANOTHER  STORY  OF  CRUELTY. 


I  have  travelled  about  the  country  a  great  deal, 
and  I  have  seen  some  good  men,  and  some  bad, 
wicked  men.  One  day  I  started  to  go  from  Hart- 
ford to  New-Haven,  in  the  stage-coach,  which  was 
according  to  my  general  mode  of  travelling.  There 
were  also  two  gentlemen,  two  ladies,  one  little  boy, 
and  one  little  black-eyed  girl,  in  the  stage-coach 
with  me. 

When  we  were  about  half  way  to  New-Haven, 
we  saw  a  flock  of  geese  at  a  little  distance  ahead, 
standing  by  the  side  of  the  road,  picking  grass. 
The  man  who  was  driving  the  horses,  had  a  long 
whip  in  his  hand  ;  and  when  we  came  up  to  where 
the  geese  were  eating  grass,  he  struck  one  of  them 
as  hard  as  he  could  with  his  long  whip.  I  do  not 
know  where  he  hit  the  goose,  but  I  believe  he  hit 
him  either  on  the  back-bone,  or  on  his  neck,  or  in 
one  of  his  eyes  ;  for  the  poor  thing  fell  to  the 
ground  as  quick  as  though  it  had  been  shot  with  a 
bullet.  It  was  some  time  before  the  goose  could 
get  upon  his  feet  again  ;  and  when  he  did  attempt 
to  walk,  he  staggered  about  with  his  wings  hang- 


^ 


36  ANOTHER   STORY    OF  CRUELTT, 

ing  down  upon  the  ground,  which  gave  sufficient 
proof  that  he  was  very  weak?  and  in  great  pain. 
The  goose  had  not  been  doing  any  mischief;  and 
the  driver  that  struck  him,  couM  not  furnish  any 
excuse  for  his  wanton  cruelty. 

We  kept  on  our  journey,  and  left  the  goose  still 
staggering  about  the  road,  with  his  wings  hanging 
down  upon  the  ground,  till  at  length  we  were  en- 
tirely out  of  sight.  Whether  the  poor  goose  got 
well,  or  whether  he  died,  I  cannot  tell,  for  I  never 
saw  any  thing  of  it  after  that  time. 

Good  men  and  good  boys  never  abuse  any  dumb 
creature  ;  but  bad  folks  take  pleasure  in  whipping 
and  pounding  any  animal  that  comes  within  their 
reach.  I  once  knew  two  wicked  boys,  who  seemed 
to  take  great  delight  in  flinging  stones  and  clubs 
at  the  sheep  and  cows.  These  naughty  boys  always 
kept  a  great  dog  with  them ;  and  whenever  they 
found  any  cattle  or  hogs  in  the  street,  they  would 
make  him  run  after  them  and  bite  them.  These  bad 
boys  took  more  pleasure  in  this  cruel  sport,  than 
in  going  to  school  and  reading  their  books.  If 
their  parents  bought  them  any  new  books,  they 
would  not  read  them,  but  would  ran  away  in  pur- 
suit of  some  mischief. 


FIRE-ARMS. 


A  loaded  gun  is  a  very  dangerous  thing  when  in 
the  hands  of  children,  who  do  not  know  how  to  use 
it.  A  bow  and  arrow,  or  a  pop-gun,  is  a  much 
more  suitable  thing  for  little  boys  to  play  with,  than 
an  iron  gun  loaded  with  powder.  We  often  read 
in  the  newspapers  of  some  dreadful  accident  from 
a  careless  use  of  guns,  Last  summer  I  was  in  the 
village  of  Lowell,  about  twenty-five  miles  from 
the  city  of  Boston,  and  it  was  on  the  fourth  of  July, 
when  the  people  assembled  to  rejoice  in  their 
liberty.  In  this  village  that  I  am  telling  you  about, 
a  great  many  people  had  met  together,  some  old 
people  and  some  young  folks.  There  were  also 
a  great  many  little  boys  and  girls,  that  had  come  to 
see  the  trainers,  and  to  hear  the  drum  and  fife. 
There  were  sugar-candy,  ginger-bread,  and  raisins, 
to  sell  in  great  abundance.  The  trainers  had 
placed  a  great  cannon  in  the  middle  of  the  road, 
loaded  with  a  heavy  charge  of  powder,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  making  as  loud  a  noise  as  they  could. 
When  they  fired  off  this  great  gun,  it  scared  all  the 
horses  that  were  tied  to  the  fence,  and  one  of  them 
4 


38  FIRE-ARMS. 

pulled  so  hard  that  he  broke  his  bridle,  and  ran 
about  the  street  like  a  crazy  creature*  As  soon  as 
the  people  saw  that  the  horse  had  broken  the  bridle, 
they  all  tried  to  get  out  of  his  way  as  quick  as  they 
possibly  could  ;  but  there  was  one  man  more  bold 
than  the  rest,  who  was  determined  to  stop  the 
horse  ;  so  he  placed  himself  in  the  middle  of  the 
road,  to  prevent  the  horse  from  getting  by,  but  the 
animal  was  so  much  frightened,  and  was  running 
so  swift,  that  he  did  not  care  for  any  thing  or  any 
body  ;  so  he  did  not  regard  the  man  who  stood  in 
the  middle  of  the  road,  but  ran  and  jumped  right 
upon  him,  and  broke  his  ribs.  The  horse  also  fell 
and  broke  his  own  leg.  The  man  died  before  night, 
and  was  buried  the  next  day.  I  cannot  tell  what 
became  of  the  horse,  but  I  think  it  quite  likely  that 
he  died  also. 

Here,  you  see,  a  great  deal  of  mischief  wag  done 
by  shooting  off  one  gun.  I  saw  a  man  in  the  town 
of  Utica,  who  had  his  leg  shot  off  on  the  fourth  of 
July  by  the  bursting  of  a  gun  ;  and  my  cousin  Silas 
had  his  thumb  shot  off  with  a  fowling-piece. 

A  fowling-piece  is  a  gun  made  to  shoot  ducks, 
and  birds,  and  squirrels  with.  If  you  put  too  much 
powder  in  a  gun  of  this  sort,  it  is  as  likely  to  burst 
as  any  other  kind  of  gun. 

When  I  was  in  Kentucky  last  summer,  I  went 
into  the  woods  with  a  shot-gun,  which  is  the  same 


FIRE-ARMS. 


thing  as  a  fowling-piece,  and  I  killed  two  great 
owls  in  a  very  short  time.  Their  eyes  were  as  big 
us  buttons,  and  their  claws  almost  as  sharp  as  pins. 


THE  MASK  STORY. 


New-York  is  a  great  city,  and  a  great  many 
people  live  in  it.  There  are  in  the  city  of  New- 
York  a  great  many  stores  of  all  sorts.  There  are 
dry-good  stores,  grocery  stores,  hard-ware  stores, 
crockery  stores,  book  stores,  hat  stores,  shoe  stores, 
druggist  stores,  fruit  stores,  and  a  great  many  other 
stores  and  shops  that  I  could  tell  you  about,  if  I  had 
time  to  do  so.  There  are  also  in  New- York  a  great 
many  taverns  and  boarding-houses,  where  people 
go  and  stay  as  long  as  they  please,  and  then  pay 
for  what  they  have  had,  and  go  away  again.  There 
is  a  tavern  in  the  city  of  New-York,  which  stands 
on  the  corner  of  Pearl  and  Fulton  streets,  and  which 
is  seven  stories  high.  This  large  house  was  built 
by  Mr.  Holt,  and  it  is  called  Holt's  Hotel.  The 
outside  of  this  house  is  all  white  marble,  and  it  looks 
very  well.  There  are  in  this  house  more  than 
four  hundred  windows,  and  about  two  hundred  and 
thirty  rooms.  If  a  man  were  to  jump  from  the 
top  of  this  high  house  down  upon  the  ground,  it 
would  be  certain  to  kill  him.  I  would  not  jump  off 
from  the  eaves  of  this  building,  if  any  body  would 


THE   MASK   STORY.  41 

give  me  a  large  basket  full  of  dollars.  If  I  had 
wings  as  large  as  a  table-cloth,  and  could  fly  as 
well  as  an  eagle,  I  should  not  then  be  afraid  to 
jump  off  from  the  highest  house  that  ever  was  built ; 
and  if  I  could  swim  as  well  as  a  duck,  I  should  not 
be  afraid  to  jump  into  the  deepest  river  that  ever 
was.     I  will  now  tell  you  about  the  mask. 

When  I  boarded  with  Mrs.  Inwood,  in  John-street, 
an  event  occurred  one  evening,  that  made  all  the 
boarders  laugh  quite  heartily. 

A  m  ask  is  an  ugly  looking  thing.  It  is  made  of 
paper,  and  then  painted  over  with  paints  of  differ- 
ent colors,  so  as  to  make  it  look  very  queer.  One 
of  the  boarders  had  bought  one  of  these  frightful 
looking  things  at  one  of  the  stores,  and  brought  it 
home  with  him.  So  when  evening  came,  after 
supper,  he  put  it  on  his  face,  and  sat  down  with 
three  other  persons  to  a  game  of  whist.  They  had 
played  only  a  little  while,  when  Betsey,  the  Irish 
girl,  came  into  the  room  with  her  arms  full  of 
wood,  to  put  on  the  fire  ;  but  when  she  saw  the  man 
playing  cards,  with  the  mask  on  his  face,  she 
screamed  out,  with  all  her  might,  and  flung  all  the 
wood  on  the  middle  of  the  floor,  and  then  ran  down 
stairs  as  swift  as  she  could  go,  and  told  Mrs.  Inwood 
that  an  evil  spirit  was  in  the  dining-room  playing 
cards. 

The  man  who  put  on  the  mask,  did  not  mean  to 
4* 


42  THE    MASK    STORY. 

scare  any  body  with  it,  and  lie  was  sorry  that  he 
had  not  pulled  it  off  be  "ore  Betsey  came  into  the 
room  ;  but  he  could  not  help  laughing,  to  see  how 
swift  she  flung  the  wood  on  the  floor,  and  then  to 
witness,  how  like  a  streak  of  wild-fire  she  scamp- 
ered down  stairs  to  Mrs.  Inwood. 

Poor  Betsey  did  not  come  into  the  dining-room 
again  for  a  whole  week  ;  and  when  she  did  come, 
she  looked  cautiously  about  the  room  as  she  entered 
the  door,  to  see  if  the  mask  was  not  there  again  ; 
but  Mrs.  Inwood  had  burned  it  up,  and  that  was  the 
end  of  it. 

It  is  very  wicked  for  one  person  to  frighten  ano- 
ther by  design  ;  I  mean  on  purpose.  If  you  be- 
have yourself  properly,  and  remember  the  stories 
that  I  have  written  for  you  to  read,  perhaps  next 
year  I  shall  write  some  more  for  you,  as  well  as 
for  other  little  boys  and  girls.  If  you  ever  come 
to  the  city  of  New-York,  I  hope  you  will  call  and 
make  me  a  visit,  for  I  should  be  very  glad  to  see 
you. 


STORY  OF  THE  CHICKENS. 


When  I  v/as  a  little  boy,  I  lived  at  home  with  my 
father  and  mother,  and  brothers  and  sisters.  Since 
that  time,  I  have  passed  through  many  scenes,  so 
unlike  any  thing  that  came  within  the  experience 
of  my  early  days,  that  I  had  not  so  much  as  dreamed 
that  I  should  ever  become  interested  in  the  fears  and 
hopes,  pleasures  and  pains,  with  which  subsequent 
years  have  been  fraught. 

I  have  been  engaged  in  various  kinds  of  business ; 
but,  after  all,  [  like  farming  better  than  any  other 
occupation.  I  could  tell  you  a  great  many  stories 
about  turkeys,  geese,  calves,  and  lambs,  that  would 
please  you  as  well  as  to  tell  you  about  whales, 
sharks,  lions,  or  tigers. 

About  three  years  ago,  I  went  into  the  country 
to  spend  the  summer  with  aunt  Sally.  Aunt  Saily 
was  a  very  good  woman,  and  every  body  esteemed 
her  very  much.  Uncle  George,  her  husband,  had 
been  dead  several  years,  and  she  did  not  keep  any 
cattle,  or  horses,  or  hogs ;  but  she  spent  all  her  time 
in  raising  chickens,  and  goslings,  and  turkeys.  Old 
hens  are  generally  very  fond  of  their  young  chick- 


44  STORY   OP   THE   CHICKENS. 

ens,  and  will  do  all  they  can  to  procure  food  for 
them,  such  as  little  bugs,  and  flies,  and  grass-hop- 
pers, and  when  night  comes  they  will  go  to  some 
shelter,  where  they  will  sit  down  and  let  all  the 
little  chickens  creep  under  their  wings,  so  as  to 
keep  them  warm  and  dry  ;  but  aunt  Sally  had  one 
cross  hen,  that  ran  away  from  her  chickens  as  soon 
as  they  were  hatched,  and  left  them  without  any 
body  to  take  care  of  them.  There  were  just  ten 
of  these  poor  little  chickens,  and  they  were  as 
handsome  as  little  beauties.  As  soon  as  Aunt  Sally 
found  out  that  the  old  hen  had  run  away  and  left 
her  chickens,  she  took  a  basket  and  put  some  wool 
into  it,  and  then  put  the  chickens  in  amongst  the 
wool.  After  the  chickens  had  taken  a  good  nap  in 
the  basket  of  wool,  aunt  Sally  made  some  chicken- 
meat  of  corn-meal,  and  fed  them.  When  they  had 
eaten  enough,  they  took  another  nap.  In  a  little 
while  they  became  large  enough  to  run  all  about 
the  door-yard,  and  catch  flies,  little  bugs,  and  grass- 
hoppers, for  themselves.  Aunt  Sally  called  these 
little  chickens  her  little  babies.  When  it  rained, 
she  would  not  let  them  go  out  of  doors,  but  would 
shut  them  up  in  a  small  room  up  chamber,  and  feed 
them  with  crumbs  of  bread.  She  also  gave  them 
water  in  a  tea-saucer.  In  the  course  of  a  few 
weeks  these  orphan  chickens  would  ramble  all 
about  the  garden  and  meadow  in  search  of  food  ; 


STORY   OP   THE   CHICKENS.  45 

but  they  always  came  up  to  the  house  before  dark, 
when  aunt  Sally  would  sit  down  on  the  door-step 
and  spread  out  her  apron,  and  then  they  would  all 
fly  into  it,  and  be  carried  and  put  into  the  basket  of 
wool,  where  they  would  sleep  till  morning. 

Aunt  Susan  had  one  black  cat  and  one  white  cat, 
and  they  would  catch  mice  and  birds  ;  but  they 
knew  that  these  chickens  were  not  birds,  so  they 
did  not  hurt  them.  It  is  a  circumstance  worthy  of 
remark,  that  dogs,  as  well  as  cats,  soon  learn  to 
know  the  difference  between  domestic  and  wild 
animals.  A  dog  knows  that  he  must  not  meddle 
with  the  sheep  and  lambs ;  but  he  thinks  it  fine 
sport  to  run  after  and  bite  the  hogs  and  pigs.  I  do 
not  like  dogs  very  well ;  they  are  dirty  creatures 
at  best,  and  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  they  do  more 
hurt  than  good. 


.  * 


MORNING  CREED, 


I  believe  that  honesty  is  the  best  policy,  and  that 
our  duty  to  God,  to  ourselves  and  to  our  fellow  men, 
requires  that  we  should  deal  righteously  with  others, 
and  walk  soberly  and  circumspectly  before  the 
Great  Creator  of  the  world. 

I  believe  that  temperance,  industry,  and  truth, 
are  virtues  which  contrbute  essentially  to  our  hap- 
piness here  on  earth  ;  for  he  that  spends  his  time  in 
idleness,  seldom,  if  ever,  becomes  rich  ;  and  he  that 
eats. or  drinks  more  than  he  wants,  will  speedily  find 
himself  alike  indisposed  and  disqualified  to  pursue 
his  daily  business  ;  and  he  that  will  not  tell  the  truth, 
will  be  shuned  by  all  good  men,  as  being  unworthy 
of  their  confidence  and  esteem. 

All  vehement,  profane,  coarse  and  vulgar  lan- 
guage, is  a  disgrace  to  any  one,  and  should  be  re- 
garded as  a  vice  wholly  incompatible  with  the  char- 
acter of  a  gentleman,  who  aspires  to  an  elevation 
more  worthy  a  sound  head  and  a  good  heart. 

I  believe  that  one  pint  of  pure  water  is  worth 
more  than  a  ship  load  of  brandy,  rum,  gin,  or  any 


cL 


MORNING    CREED,  47 

other  strong  drink — And  I  belive  that  tobacco  is 
one  of  the  most  poisonous  and  filthy  plants  that  the 
earth  produces,  and  which  so  far  as  experience  can 
testify,  is  good  for  nothing  except  as  a  death-scourge 
to  vermin  upon  calves  and  sheep. 

I  believe  that  the  wicked  will  not  escape  the  just 
reward  of  their  unrighteous  deeds,  but  that  they  will 
be  punished  for  their  crimes  in  prison  and  in  chains; 
and  that  the  felon  and  the  murderer  will  be  exe- 
cuted upon  the  gallows, — a  dreadful  and  most  dis- 
graceful end. 

I  believe  that  the  good  man  is  far  more  likely  to 
be  healthy,  wealthy  and  happy,  than  he  who  re- 
gards not  the  counsel  of  the  wise,  but  learns  to  do 
evil  things. 


EVENING  CREED. 


I  believe  in  God  the  Father,  Almighty,  maker 
of  heaven  and  earth,  and  in  Jesus  Christ,  his  only 
Son,  our  Lord,  who  was  conceived  by  the  Holy 
Ghost,  born  of  the  Virgin  Mary,  and  who,  while 
upon  earth,  went  about  doing  good  to  men,  healing 
the  sick,  restoring  sight  to  the  blind,  and  raising 
the  dead  to  life.  At  length  this  righteous  man,  the 
Son  of  God,  and  the  Redeemer  of  a  sinful  world,  was 
taken  by  unthankful  and  wicked  men,  with  Pontius 
Pilate  at  their  head,  and  cruelly  put  to  death  upon 
the  cross,  in  company  with  robbers.  He  was  buried, 
but  at  the  end  of  three  days  he  arose  from  his  grave, 
appeared  unto  his  disciples,  and  conversed  with 
them.  After  this,  he  ascended  into  heaven  to  dwell 
with  God  his  Father,  where  he  continues  to  inter- 
cede for  the  blessing,  forgiveness,  and  salvation  of 
men  ;  and  I  believe  that  those  who  repent  of  their 
sins,  and  love  and  obey  the  commandments  of  God, 
will  at  last  be  received  into  the  paradise  of  heaven, 
prepared  for  saints  and  just  men.  But  wicked  men, 
who  care  for  no  good  thing,  will  be  turned  away 
from  this  happy  abode,  and  shut  up  in  a  place  of 
darkness  and  pain,  of  which  the  Bible  declares  there 
shall  be  no  end. 


■■ 


STORIES. 


TWO  WAYS  OF  DOING  THE  SAME 
THING. 


Archibald  Fox  was  a  young  man  of  an  inquisi- 
tive mind,  ready  understanding,  shrewd  penetra- 
tion, and  correct  judgment,  but  his  zeal  was  more 
than  equal  to  his  prudence. 

It  happened  one  day  that  I  was  present  when 
Archibald  Fox  was  discussing  with  some  of  his 
friends  the  relative  merits  of  two  persons  who  had 
been  nominated  for  an  office  in  the  town  in  which 
he  resided.  The  debate  grew  rather  warm,  when 
Archibald  declared  that  common  sense  could  not 
fail  to  teach  any  one  that  the  candidate  whose 
cause  he  was  advocating,  was  the  most  suitable 
person  of  the  two  ;  and  that  every  honest  man 
would  support  his  election.  In  effect,  this  was  as 
5 


50  TWO  WAYS  OF  DOIJSG  THE  SAME  THING. 

much  as  to  say,  that  all  who  differed  from  himself 
upon  the  subject  of  discussion,  were  either  fools  or 
hypocrites.  Now  even  allowing  all  this  to  be  true, 
which,  for  aught  I  know,  might  have  been  the  fact, 
it  was  very  indecent  and  very  vulgar  in  Archibald 
to  say  so,  although,  as  it  happened,  the  sensibility 
of  no  one  of  the  individuals  present,  was  so  delicate 
as  to  receive  any  very  serious  wound  from  the  im- 
plied accusation.  The  opposite  positions  which 
had  been  assumed  by  the  contending  parties,  seemed 
to  be  more  the  cause  of  displeasure,  than  the  man- 
ner in  which  the  debate  was  conducted.  Now, 
with  the  truly  refined,  the  reverse  of  this  would  be 
the  fact.  The  expression  of  a  dissenting  opinion 
would  be  cheerfully  listened  to,  provided  the  man- 
net  in  which  it  were  defended,  were  mild  and  re- 
spectful. In  argument,  we  seldom  gain  our  point 
by  harsh  means.  To  contradict  our  opponent, 
never  produces  conviction  in  his  mind  of  his  errors, 
however  apparent  they  may  be  to  every  other  man 
living.  We  are  far  more  likely  to  succeed  in  re- 
conciling the  feelings  and  minds  of  others  to  our 
views,  by  ashing  them  if  what  we  say  is  not  true, 
than  by  telling  them  that  what  they  say  is  false. 
Moreover,  we  should  do  well  to  bear  in  mind,  that 
we  are  as  liable  to  err  as  others  ;  and  that  there 
is  some  risk  in  advancing  our  sentiments  with  too 
much  confidence ;  for  if  we  should  be  detected  in 


TWO  WAYS  OP  DOING  THE  SAME  THING.  51 

an  error,  and  find  ourselves  compelled  to  acknow- 
ledge  it  at  last,  we 'should  feel  much  less  mortified 
to  reflect  that  we  had  defended  our  mistaken  posi- 
tions with  that  modesty  and  moderation  which 
could  leave  no  room  for  our  opponent  to  laugh  at 
our  follv. 


HINNTS  TO  PARENTS  AND 
GUARDIANS. 


The  art  of  governing  children,  is  studied  only 
by  a  small  portion  of  the  number  to  whom  the  im- 
portant charge  is  committed  ;  and  those  who  do 
make  any  considerable  progress  in  this  branch  of 
domestic  economy,  are  so  seldom  to  be  met  with, 
that  they  form  a  conspicuous  exception  to  the  com- 
mon order  of  things,  amounting  almost  to  a  mira- 
cle in  nature. 

There  are  cases  where  the  ignorance  and  folly 
of  a  fellow-being  may  excite  feelings  of  compas- 
sion ;  and  where,  instead  of  stern  reproof,  the 
milder  accents  of  counsel  may  be  elicited.  But  I 
must  confess,  for  one,  that  on  nearly  all  occasions 
where  I  have  been  compelled  to  witness  the  stupid 
folly  of  parents,  as  displayed  in  the  mismanagement 
of  their  children,  every  feeling  of  kindness,  both 
toward  themselves  and  their  stubborn,  ungoverned 
offspring,  has  been  destroyed  by  the  gross  outrage 
upon  common  sense,  committed  in  their  servile  in- 
dulgence of  those  over  whom,  for  their  own  com- 
fort and  the  comfort  of  others,  they  should  exercise 
a  steady,  just,  and  judicious  control. 


HINTS  TO  PARENTS  AND  GUARDIANS.     53 

It  is  true,  children  are  a  troublesome  crop  to 
raise,  at  best ;  nor  can  the  wisdom  of  Solomon  de- 
vise any  plan,  or  prescribe  any  rules,  that  will  re- 
lieve the  parent  from  all  embarrassments,  and  teach 
him  the  undeviating  course  that  he  should  always 
pursue.  But  there  are  some  general  maxims  which, 
if  put  in  practice,  would  prove  salutary  in  their 
effects,  elevating  the  parent  at  least  to  the  condi- 
tion of  a  co-partner  with  his  children,  whereby  he 
would  be  invested  with  the  right  of  proposing  the 
terms  of  the  social  compact,  if  nothing  more.    , 

I  once  boarded  at  a  house  in  the  town  of  *  #  * 
where  a  family  of  four  persons  were  also  lodgers. 
This  family  consisted  of  the  man,  his  wife,  a  little 
boy  about  three  years  old,  and  an  infant.  This 
little  boy  was  permitted  to  cry  a  great  portion  of 
the  time  from  morning  till  night,  although  he  was 
apparently  in  perfect  health,  nothing  ailing  and 
nothing  wanting.  What  do  you  suppose  the  effect 
of  all  this  was  ?  Nothing  less  than  this  :  the  child 
was  hated  and  the  parents  despised  by  every  in- 
mate of  the  house.  Any  parent  who  permits  his 
child  to  cry  without  good  cause,  richly  deserves 
the  annoyance  produced  by  the  needless  noise. 

There  are  not  a  few  mothers  who  are  scolding 

from  morning  till  night,  because  their  children  are 

so  noisy,  so  fretful,  and  so  disobedient.     Now  I 

have  no  pity  for  such — no  tears  of  compassion  to 

5* 


54  HINTS  TO  PARENTS  AND  GUARDIANS. 

shed  for  their  case.  If,  reader,  you  are  one — and 
it  is  more  than  possible  you  are — I  am  not  sorry 
that  you  are  thus  troubled.  It  is  good  enough  for 
you.  If  you  have  any  strength  in  your  arm  and 
brains  in  your  head,  and  do  not  remedy  the  evil, 
your  vexations  are  but  the  just  reward  of  your 
folly,  and  you  have  no  reason  to  complain.  If 
your  children  do  not  mind  you,  it  is  because  you 
are  constantly  threatening  but  never  'performing. 

Promises  to  children,  both  of  rewards  and  pun- 
ishments,  should  be  made  with  great  caution ;  but 
when  they  are  made,  should  be  fulfilled  with  un- 
failing  certainty.  If  you  would  threaten  ninety, 
nine-hundredths  less,  and  perform  one-hundredth 
more,  your  children  would  become  far  more  obedi- 
ent, far  more  affectionate,  and  far  more  respectful, 
depend  upon  it. 

Children,  when  they  become  fatigued  and  sleepy, 
are  generally  fretful  and  peevish,  and  then  is  their 
favorite  hour  for  crying.  What  do  most  parents 
generally  do  on  these  occasions  ?  Why,  after  the 
child  has  cried  about  half  an  hour,  the  mother,  sis- 
ter, or  some  other  member  of  the  family,  sits  down, 
takes  the  child  in  her  lap,  sings  it  to  sleep,  and 
then  puts  it  on  the  bed,  out  of  sight  and  hearing, 
as  it  is  hoped.  But  in  this  manoeuvre  the  child 
wakes  up,  and  begins  to  cry  again.  It  does  not 
like  to  sleep  on  the  bed  :  it  chooses  rather  to  sleep 


±IINTS  TO  PARENTS  AND  GUARDIAus.      55 

in  its  mother's  lap.  So  it  is  taken  up  again,  and 
another  song  of  patience  is  administered  to  lull  the 
child  to  sleep, 

Now,  mothers,  aunts,  sisters,  and  cousins,  if  you 
do  not  know  better  how  to  manage  than  all  this 
comes  to,  it  is  time  you  did  know  better.  When 
a  child  is  old  enough  to  understand  what  is  said  to 
him*  he  should  be  made  to  go  to  sleep,  when  need- 
ful, in  any  place  where  it  is  convenient  to  put  him. 
If  you  will  not  take  my  advice,  you  may  suffer  the 
usual  toil  and  inconvenience,  in  your  own  way, 
and  welcome. 

A  modern  writer  has  said,  with  reference  to  the 
government  of  children,  that  "  the  two  strongest 
impulses  in  our  nature,  are  fear  and  love.  In  the- 
ory, acting  upon  the  latter  is  very  beautiful ;  but 
in  practice,  I  never  found  it  to  answer,  and  for  the 
best  of  reasons  :  our  self  "-love  is  stronger  than  our 
love  for  others."  He  adds  :  "  Now  I  have  never 
found  fear  to  fail,  for  the  very  same  reason  that 
the  other  does  ;  because  with  fear,  we  act  upon 
self-love,  and  nothing  else." 

I  concur  in  opinion  with  the  quoted  author,  so 
far  as  to  admit  that,  as  a  general  rule,  obedience 
is  not  to  be  expected  from  motives  of  love  and  af- 
fection ;  but  I  should  be  very  sorry  to  recommend 
that  system  of  discipline  which  excludes  the  hope 
of  reward,  as  a  motive  to  induce  children  to  obey 


56  HINTS  TO  PARENTS, 

their  guardian  and  teacher.  A  boy  will  work  three 
days  for  an  orange,  and  six  days  for  a  pen-knife ; 
but  ten  chances  to  one  that  he  would  desert  a  task 
of  three  hours,  at  the  hazard  of  a  sound  whipping, 
rather  than  submit  to  the  toil  connected  with  it, 
unattended  by  the  prospect  of  remuneration. 

All  obligations  on  the  part  of  children,  for  past 
favors  and  past  benefits  conferred  upon  them  by 
their  parents,  are,  by  the  laws  of  nature,  (instead 
of  running"  six  years,)  outlawed  in  six  minutes. 
Hence,  those  who  would  collect  debts  of  obedience 
from  their  children,  will  be  certain  to  be  non-suited. 
If  it  is  bad  policy  to  pay  a  man  in  advance,  it  is 
worse  to  pay  children,  to-day,  for  duties  that  are 
to  be  performed  to-morrow.  To  tell  a  child  that 
he  may  spend  the  forenoon  at  play,  provided  he 
will  study  his  book  in  the  afternoon,  is,  in  effect, 
a  good  bargain — a  safe  stipulation  on  the  part  of 
the  child,  to  spend  the  ichole  day  in  amusements  of 
his  own  choosing.  In  short,  children,  like  growrn 
persons,  will  cheerfully  toil  for  what  is  to  be  gained; 
wrhile  it  is  looked  upon  as  a  hardship  to  account 
for  that  which  has  already  been  received. 

Children  often  suffer  more  from  the  errors  of 
their  guardians,  than  from  their  own  ignorance. 
If  parents  and  guardians  were  first  taught  a  little 
wisdom,  their  children  wrould  then  inherit  it  from 
them.     I  am  not  an  advocate  of  severity  in  the 


HINTS    TO    PARENTS.  57 

government  of  children.  Such  an  extreme  would 
be  even  worse  than  its  opposite.  An  even,  firm, 
though  temperate  control,  is  the  best  of  all  others. 
Scolding  has  no  excuse.  A  scolding  mother  never 
yet  secured  the  respect  and  obedience  of  her  child- 
ren ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  she  renders  her  voice 
as  useless  as  the  ticking  of  an  old  clock.  "  If 
thunder  itself  were  to  be  continual,  it  would  excite 
no  more  terror  than  the  noise  of  a  mill ;  and  we 
should  sleep  in  the  greatest  tranquility,  when  it 
roared  the  loudest." 

Children  should  be  taught  to  know  the  connex- 
ion between  actions  and  consequences,  as  soon  as 
possible.  What  good  do  you  suppose  it  would  do 
to  tell  your  boys  not  to  roll  in  the  dirt,  or  run 
through  a  mud-puddle — telling  them,  as  a  reason, 
that  it  costs  their  parents  a  great  deal  of  labor  to 
procure  clothes  for  them,  and  a  great  deal  of  trou- 
ble to  keep  them  clean  when  they  rolled  in  the  dirt 
and  run  in  the  mud  with  them  ;  and  then,  as  often 
as  they  disobey  your  orders,  give  them  a  thorough 
scolding,  and  go  and  wash  their  clothes  and  clean 
their  shoes  for  them  yourself?  I  will  tell  you  what 
good  it  does  to  scold  at  your  children  for  doing 
what  you  have  told  them  not  to  do  :  just  as  much 
good  as  to  scold  at  an  unruly  ox  for  jumping  over 
the  fence  and  eating  up  the  green  corn,  contrary 
to  orders  previously  given  him.     Children  are  gov- 


58  HINTS    TO    PARENTS. 

erned  by  two  motives  :  the  hope  of  reward,  and 
the  fear  of  unpleasant  consequences.  A  stream  of 
scolding  as  long  as  from  sunrise  to  sundown,  never 
yet  had  any  other  effect  upon  children,  than  to 
render  them  wholly  regardless  of  what  is  said  to 
them.  If  you  wish  to  make  your  children  trouble- 
some, scold  at  them  occasionally.  If  you  wish  to 
make  them  bad,  scold  at  them  a  little  harder,  louder, 
and  more  frequently.  If  you  wish  to  ruin  them, 
and  relinquish  all  hope  of  controlling  them,  scold 
continually,  and  you  will  be  sure  to  gain  your  ob- 
ject. A  single  appropriate  penalty,  inflicted  in  a 
proper  temper  of  mind,  accompanied  with  mild  ac- 
cents of  reproof,  is  more  effectual  than  fifty  of 
those  thoughtless  threats  which,  if  put  in  execution, 
would  sever  the  ears  from  the  head,  if  not  the  head 
from  the  shoulders. 

I  have  said  that  children  should  be  taught  to 
know  the  connexion  between  actions  and  conse- 
quences, as  soon  as  possible.  In  other  words,  they 
should  learn  to  act  upon  their  own  responsibility,  as 
soon  as  possible.  If  my  boy  washes  half  the  dirt 
off  his  hands,  and  wipes  the  other  half  on  a  clean 
white  towel,  I  make  him  go  and  wash  that  towel 
himself.  If  he  runs  through  the  mud,  and  gets  his 
shoes  all  over  dirt,  I  make  him  go  and  brush  them 
himself.  He  is  a  small  boy ;  and  to  stand  over 
him  and  show  him  how  to  perform  these  tasks> 


HINTS    TO    PARENTS.  59 

costs  me,  it  is  true,  more  present  time  and  labor 
than  it  would  to  do  them  myself;  but  it  is  the  best 
way  of  all  others,  to  prevent  a  repetition  of  the 
offence,  for  in  this  way  he  discovers  that,  when 
he  is  careless  about  what  he  does,  he  is  acting  upon 
his  oicn  responsibility.  Little  children  regard  the 
blaze  of  a  candle  as  a  pretty  plaything,  and,  sooner 
or  later,  they  will  contrive  to  get  their  finger  into 
it ;  but  who  ever  knew  a  child  to  do  the  like  a 
second  time  1  The  plain  truth  is,  that  in  this,  they 
act  upon  their  own  responsibility.  Now  you  might 
scold  at  your  children  till  they  were  twenty-one 
years  old,  and  they  would  still  continue  to  put  their 
fingers  in  the  fire  as  often  as  it  should  contribute 
to  their  amusement,  provided  the  pain  could  be 
transferred  to  yourself,  and  you  would  consent  to 
suffer  it. 

Mr.  G.,  an  intelligent  farmer  with  whom  I  am 
acquainted,  governs  his  boys  with  rigid  adherence 
to  the  policy  above  recommended — making  them, 
as  far  as  practicable,  responsible  for  their  own 
neglect.  On  one  occasion,  one  of  his  boys,  on  re- 
turning from  the  garden  to  the  house,  omitted  to 
shut  the  gale  after  him  ;  by  which  neglect,  the 
young  potatoes  and  other  vegetables  were  much 
exposed  to  the  inquisitive  noses  of  a  drove  of  pigs 
that  never  permitted  to  pass,  unimproved,  a  good 
opportunity  to  do  mischief,     Mr.  G.  soon  disco v- 


60  HINTS    TO    PARENTS. 

ered  that  the  gate  was  open  ;  but  instead  of  shut- 
ting it,  drove  the  pigs  into  an  adjoining  yard  where 
he  knew  they  would  remain  until  he  should  see  fit 
to  give  them  their  liberty  again.  Do  you  ask  what 
he  did  to  the  boy  ?  Perhaps  you  think  that  he  cal 
led  the  lad  out,  and  that,  in  a  mild  tone  of  voice, 
he  reminded  the  delinquent  of  his  neglect,  telling 
him  to  go  and  shut  the  gate,  and  to  remember  in 
future  not  to  leave  it  open,  when  the  safety  of  all 
that  the  garden  contained,  required  that  it  should 
always  be  kept  closedv  Perhaps  you  think  that  he 
gave  him  a  thorough  scolding — threatening  to  use 
the  rod  upon  him,  should  he  be  detected  in  a  repe- 
tition of  the  offence ;  or  perhaps  you  are  ready  to 
conclude  that  he  took  the  boy  and,  without  farther 
ceremony,  gave  him  a  sound  lacing.  No,  neither 
of  these.  Nothing  was  said  and  nothing  done, 
until  the  boy  had  gone  to  bed  and  to  sleep.  The 
time  had  now  arrived.  Mr,  G.  called  the  lad  from 
his  sleep  and  from  his  bed,  and  required  him  to 
dress  himself,  and  then  to  go  and  shut  the  gate. 
Now  then,  ye  tender  hearted,  ye  indulgent,  scold- 
ing, caressing,  ye  threatening  and  relenting  moth- 
ers ;  ye  whose  engagements  represent  the  princi- 
pal, while  the  fulfilment  amounts  to  no  more  than 
a  commission ;  ye  whose  promises  of  bitter  penal- 
ties,  are  redeemed  in  sugar  candy,  come  forward 
with  frowns  upon  your  faces  that  might  darken  a 


HINTS    TO    PARENTS.  61 

clear  day,  and,  in  a  tone  of  indignation,  attended 
with  epithets  of  sharp  reproach  that  might  ampu- 
tate a  right  arm,  pronounce  Mr.  G.  to  be  a  wretch 
and  a  tyrant,  if  you  will ;  but  I  tell  you  he  was 
right — exactly  right — -perfectly  right.  And  until 
you  can  see  and  understand  the  propriety  and  the 
justice  of  the  policy  pursued  by  him,  you  need  not 
come  to  me  with  complaints  that  your  children  are 
forgetful,  negligent,  and  disobedient.  The  word 
responsibility  is  a  great  word,  a  word  of  stern  so.- 
lemnity  ;  and  when  its  import,  and  the  penalties 
which  it  comprehends  cannot  be  shunned,  it  is  no 
less  true  with  respect  to  children  than  to  grown 
persons,  that  they  will  be  cautious  how  they  trifle 
with  its  admonitory  signification. 

If  in  any  of  the  concerns  connected  with  human 
life,  there  is  occasion  to  put  in  practice  the  maxim 
which  admonishes  us  to  "  think  twice  before  we 
speak  once,"  it  is  in  that  which  relates  to  the  go- 
vernment of  children. 

It  is  no  uncommon  occurrence  to  hear  parents 
reward  their  children  for  good  actions,  by  remind- 
ing them  of  their  more  frequent  acts  of  disobedu 
ence.  This  is  any  thing  but  a  rational  policy. 
Parents  should  by  all  means  encourage  their  child- 
ren to  obedience  and  good  behavior.  A  just  dis- 
crimination between  perverseness  and  a  cheerful, 
submissive  temper,  is  no  less  important  in  the  man- 
6 


62  HINTS    TO    PARENTS. 

agement  of  children,  than  their  attachment  to  an 
upright  and  virtuous  course  of  conduct  in  subse- 
quent life — is  momentous  in  relation  to  their  own 
happiness,  and  the  happiness  of  others. 

Whatever  we  know  to*  be  true,  we  cannot  deny, 
however  incredible  the  fact,  in  itself,  may  appear. 
I  allude  to  the  most  inconsiderate  and  impolitic  of 
all  things,  as  relating  to  the  government  of  child- 
ren, the  manifestations  of  counteracting  sympathies 
and  excitements  which  alternately  predominate  in 
the  bosoms  of  husband  and  wife.  To  tell  the  story 
in  a  few  words,  parents  should  never  dispute  about 
measures  in  the  presence  of  their  children  ;  for> 
believe  me,  it  is  a  most  mischievous  error.  When 
the  father  undertakes  to  correct  the  child,  the  mo- 
ther should  not  appear  even  to  know  what  he  is 
doing.  And  so,  on  the  other  hand,  when  the  wife 
attempts  to  coerce  the  child  to  obedience,  the  hus- 
band had  better  be  cleaning  his  finger-nails,  with 
his  back  turned  upon  the  scene  of  difficulty,  than 
to  see,  say,  or  do  any  thing  that  would  embarrass 
his  wife  in  the  execution  of  her  commands.  NuU 
lification  in  family  government,  is  wholly  subver- 
sive of  good  order,  for  it  not  only  destroys  in  the 
mind  of  children  that  respect  for  the  authority  of 
the  parent,  without  which  a  cheerful  obedience 
cannot  be  expected  ;  but,  what  is  worse,  it  origi- 
nates war  between  those  with  whom  harmony  and 
peace  should  ever  dwell  uninterrupted. 


HINTS    TO    PARENTS.  63 

Mr.  Pannel,  who  married  a  Miss  Impulse,  had 
often  been  heard  to  say  that  parents  showed  more 
weakness  and  more  folly  in  the  manner  in  which 
they  conducted  themselves  towards  their  children, 
thctn  in  any  thing  else  ;  and  that  if,  in  the  course 
of  events,  he  should  be  called  upon  to  exercise  pa- 
rental government  over  a  child  he  would  show  to 
his  neighbors  the  effect  of  good  laws  judiciously 
enforced.  In  other  words,  he  would  furnish  them 
with  an  example  of  good  family  discipline  Mr. 
Pannel  knew  full  well,  that,  even  in  marriage  con- 
tracts, it  required  two  to  make  a  bargain ;  but  he 
had  not  foreseen  that,  in  family  correction,  it  often 
happens  that  the  will  or  the  sympathies  of  a  third 
person  is  to  be  consulted.  In  process  of  time, 
however,  he  discovered  the  embarrassing  truth, 
that  his  own  judgment  was  not  always  looked  upon 
by  his  good  lady,  as  an  infallible  rule  of  action. 
Mrs.  Pannel  was  now  the  mother  of  a  sprightly, 
spirited  boy.  But  this  boy,  like  other  smart,  pro- 
mising boys,  was  sometimes  sullen,  crabbed,  and 
obstinately  disobedient ;  and  it  was  on  one  of  these 
occasions  that  Mr.  Pannel  took  his  little  boy, 
Thomas,  (for  that  was  his  name,)  and  shut  him  up 
in  a  room  by  himself — telling  him  that  he  should 
remain  there  alone  for  half  an  hour,  as  a  punish- 
ment for  his  misconduct.  Mrs.  Pannel  was,  in 
reality,  as  much  Miss  Impulse  after  marriage,  as 


64  HINTS   TO   PARENTS. 

she  was  before.  She  never  stopped  to  consider 
what  future  consequences  might  result  from  pre- 
sent causes  ;  but  spoke  and  acted  in  strict  obedi- 
ence to  any  exciting  influence  which  casualty- 
might  produce  on  her  nervous  temperament.  Mr. 
Pannel  was  a  rational  but  resolute  man  ;  and  hav- 
ing determined  that  Thomas  should  be  put  into  a 
room  by  himself,  there  was  no  alternative.  The 
mother  plead  that  he  might  be  excused  for  this 
once — assuring  her  husband  that  the  next  time 
Thomas  should  do  wrong,  he  should  be  punished 
without  fail.  But  no— Mr.  P.  insisted  on  present 
penalty  for  present  wrong  ;  so  go  the  child  must, 
and  go  he  did.  This  decision  was  too  much  for 
the  tender  mercies  of  Mrs.  Pannel's  compassionate 
heart.  In  the  hearing  of  the  child,  she  pronoun- 
ced the  course  which  her  husband  pursued,  to  be 
unjust  and  cruel.  She  remained  just  long  enough 
to  add,  that  "  he  was  a  good-for-nothing  tyrant,  to 
make  the  best  of  him,"  and  then  rushed  into  the 
room  to  which  her  darlSfg  had  been  banished,  took 
the  child  into  her  arms,  and  sat  down  to  appease 
her  precious  boy  and  to  console  herself  in  the  best 
way  she  could.  Although  the  conduct  of  Mrs. 
Pannel  was  but  a  wretched  manifestation  of  re- 
spect for  the  authority  of  her  husband,  yet  she 
stood  in  too  much  fear  of  his  superior  muscular 
power  to  presume  to  take  the  child  from  the  room 
until  the  half  hour  had  expired. 


HINTS    TO    PARENTS.  65 

Poor,  silly,  blind,  ill-fated  woman  !     Little  did 
she  consider  that,  by  her  passionate  indiscretions 
she  was  destroying,  not  only  her  own  authority 
over  the  child,  but  that  of  the  father  also,     Indeed, 
it  soon  happened.)  as,  under  such  circumstances, 
it  always  will  happen,)  that  the  young  lad  bid  an 
open  defiance  to  the  authority  of  his  mother  ;  and 
that  he  submitted  to  the  hated  authority  of  his 
father,  through  fear  of  the  rod  alone.     As  he  grew 
older,  he  thought  it  manly  to  call  his  mother  a 
fool ;  and  that,  to  spit  upon  her  and  to  strike  her 
|l  with  his  hand,  was  no  reproach. 
Wk  Mr.  Pannel  had  long  warned  his  wife  of  the 
great  evil  which,  by  interfering  with  his  authority, 
she  would  bring  upon  themselves  and  upon  their 
son ;  but  she  heeded  not  his  admonitions,  till  re- 
formation was  hopeless  and  repentance  availed  net. 
Thomas,  at  an  early  age,  contrary  to  the  en- 
treaties of  his  mother  and  the  admonitions  of  his 
father,  learned  to  c.hew  tobacco,  smoke  cigars,  and 
to  drink  strong,  intoxicating  liquors.     The  whole, 
some  restraints  of  parental  authority  became  more 
and  more  irksome  to  him,  until  at  length,  to  obtain 
the  pleasures  of  society  abroad,  more  congenial  to 
his  vicious  habits,  and  to  shun  the  scrutinizing  eye 
of  his  father  at  home,  he  joined  a  military  expedi- 
tion against  Canada,  was  taken  prisoner,  tried  by 
6* 


66  HINTS    TO    PARENTS, 

a  court  martial,  found  guilty,  was  sentenced  and 
then  hung. 

The  sad  career  and  still  more  lamentable  end  of 
this  young  man,  are  not  to  be  attributed  solely  to 
the  single  act  of  impropriety  on  the  part  of  the 
mother,  which  we  have  related.  That  was,  as  far 
as  is  known,  the  Jirst  error  of  the  kind.  It  was, 
however,  an  occurrence  with  which  subsequent 
days  and  weeks  witnessed  a  thousand  parallels. 

The  imprudent  mother  had  often,  while  in  an- 
ger, been  heard  to  say  to  Thomas,  that  she  wished 
his  teeth  were  knocked  down  his  throat ;  and  then, 
in  ten  minutes  after,  she  would  have  him  in  he 
lap,  feeding  him  with  cake,  and  calling  him  her 
sweet  darling.  One  day,  she  promised  Thomas 
that,  if  he  would  do  an  errand  for  her,  she  would 
make  him  a  kite.  Thomas  performed  the  condi- 
tion, and  then  importuned  for  the  promised  reward. 
But  the  mother  had  neither  time,  materials,  dispo- 
sition, nor  the  requisite  skill  for  making  the  kite. 
Of  course,  it  was  never  made  ! 

How  many  mothers  there  are,  who,  like  Mrs. 
Pannel,  are  daily  and  hourly  threatening  their 
children  with  punishment  for  the  next  offence  ! 
Nor  are  we  limited  to  rare  instances  of  promises 
of  rewards  which  are  never  redeemed,  and  which 
are  not  intended  to  be  fulfilled,  when  made.  One 
clearly  deserved  penalty,  remitted  till  next  time,  is 


*-#...  **% 


HINTS   TO   PARENTS.  67 

in  Fact  regarded  by  the  child  as  a  license  of  impu- 
nity for  a  month. 

The  word  punishment,  does  not  necessarily  imply 
chastisement  with  the  rod.  There  are  various 
sorts  and  degrees  of  punishment ;  and  common 
sense  with  dispassionate  deliberation,  need  not 
ever  err  in  determining  what  kind  and  degree  of 
pwuishment  the  case  in  hand  may  require. 

A  gentle,  respectful  hint  often  works  a  salutary 
influence  upon  a  reflecting  mind  ;  while  there  are 
those  upon  whom  all  persuasion  is  lost.  Is  there, 
then,  no  remedy  for  the  thoughtless  and  stubborn  ? 
If  the  hard  consequences  of  an  erroneous  course 
of  conduct,  will  not  turn  men  from  their  evil  ways, 
what  will  ?  Surely,  I  have  no  specific  for  their 
case  more  gentle  in  its  operation,  than  the  touch 
of  lunar  caustic,  scalding  hot  water,  or  the  sword 
of  extermination. 


i 


» 


THINGS  THAT  I  DISLIKE, 


CHAPTER  I. 

I  dislike  to  hear  a  married  man  call  his  wife, 
Ht  my  old  woman"  There  is  nothing  loving  in  the 
sound  thereof.  There  are  but  few  men,  even  of 
the  number  who  frequently  make  use  of  the  above 
objectionable  phrase,  who,  at  a  fair,  would  inquire  : 
"  Who  wishes  to  buy  my  old  horse  V 

I  dislike,  when  promenading  the  walks  of  a  city, 
to  have  persons  spit  their  tobacco-juice  from  the 
window  of  the  second  story  of  their  houses.  It 
is  too  flagrant  a  proof  of  what  is  sufficiently  true 
without  so  strong  a  testimony,  that  men  prefer 
their  own  convenience  to  that  of  others.  This 
detestable  practice  is  the  more  objectionable,  inas- 
much as  best  friends  and  perhaps  sweethearts  may 
be  the  sufferers. 

I  dislike  to  see  persons,  male  or  female,  wipe 
their  mouths  (when  at  table)  on  the  table-cloth,  or 
spit  upon  the  carpet.  It  is  a  gross  violation  of 
delicacy  and  manners,  and  is  painfully  disgusting 
to  a  truly  refined  mam     I'nave  seldom  noticed  this 


• 


THINGS  THAT  I  DISLIKE.  69 

vulgar  habit  in  females — it  is  mostly  confined  to 
my  own  sex.  Men  are  frequently  chargable  with 
a  degree  of  carelessness  in  their  manners,  which 
would  prove  the  certain  ruin  of  a  lady. 

I  could  as  well  excuse  a  man  for  seating  himself 
by  my  side,  and  spitting  all  over  my  coat  and  pan- 
taloons, as  for  spitting  upon  my  carpet  or  floor,  or 
wiping  his  greasy  mouth  and  fingers  upon  the 
clean  table-cloth.  Such  abominable  grossness  sa- 
vors too  strongly  of  the  animal  whose  name  is  so 
commonly  used  in  comparison,  to  signify  brutality 
in  the  lowest  grade. 

The  superlative,  royal-arch  degree  in  the  spitting 
art,  consists — not  merely  in  spitting  in  the  dining 
room,  in  the  parlor,  in  the  cabin  or  on  the  deck  of 
a  steam-boat,  but — in  the  more  perfect  attainment 
of  spitting  on  a  hot  stove,  from  which -the  exqui- 
site flavor  of  roasted  spittle  may  be  enjoyed. 

Plain  spittle  is  bad  enough,  every  decent  man 
knows  ;  but  when  seasoned  with  the  horrid  stench 
of  tobacco-juice,  the  sublimity  exceeds  the  descrip- 
tive powers  of  my  poor,  feeble  pen. 

By  way  of  making  but  one  job  of  this  offensive 
subject,  I  have  a  complaint  to  make  against  a  prac- 
tice which  is  only  excusable  with  sheep,  and  with 
poor  children  who  have  never  been  taught  better, 
and  who  have  no  handkerchief  for  obviating  the 
evil,  and  who  would  not  know  how  to  use  one,  if 


70  THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE. 

they  had.  There  is  no  disguising  the  matter.  I 
allude  to  the  snuffing  of  noses.  Blowing  the 
nose  is  excusable,  because  it  cannot  be  avoided ; 
but  snuffing  the  nose,  finds  no  apology  in  necessity, 
excepting,  as  I  have  already  said,  with  sheep  and 
poor  children,  or  poor  children  and  sheep.  Yet, 
how  many  young  ladies  have  I  seen,  who  have 
spent  years  in  learning  to  play  on  the  piano  and 
to  speak  French,  who,  nevertheless,  have  not  learn- 
ed to  keep  their  noses  still !  This  is  not  among 
the  least  of  the  many  things  that  I  dislike.  Mar- 
ried ladies, — dear  me  !  what  a  streak  of  awe  creeps 
through  my  veins  !  What  rising  emotions  of  vene- 
ration check  the  rude  criticism  in  which  I  was 
about  to  indulge  !  When  I  speak  of  married  ladies 
with  reference  to  this  subject,  I  dare  not  look  up, 
lest  a  frown  from  the  brow  of  some  worthy  signora, 
should  blot  out  every  spark  of  that  temerity  which 
is  indicting  the  fault.  But  if  they  will  snuff  their 
noses,  they  must  abide  the  reproof;  nor  have  they 
much  reason  to  complain,  if,  by  way  of  retaliation, 
their  husbands  neglect  to  scrape  the  dirt  from  their 
shoes,  before  coming  into  the  house  ;  or  even  should 
they  snore  all  night  in  their  sleep,  it  would  be  dif- 
ficult to  tell,  upon  comparing  accounts,  on  which 
side  the  balance  of  errors  should  be  placed. 

I  regard  a  nose  upon  the  human  face,  subjected 
as  it  is  to  the  performance  of  certain  unseemly 


THINGS*    THAT    I    DISLIKE.  71 

offices,  to  be  an  infirmity,  at  best.  How  much 
more  genteel  is  the  clean,  musical  nose  of  a  cat, 
than  that  which  stands  so  conspicuous  upon  the 
face  of  a  man  ! 

Neatness  is  a  virtue  ;  therefore  it  may  be  seri- 
ously urged  upon  parents  as  a  duty,  to  instruct 
their  children,  by  their  example  as  well  as  precepts, 
to  hold  these  maxims  as  of  moral  importance. 

Never  spit  on  the  floor,  carpet,  or  any  thing  else 
that  looks  better  clean  than  dirty. 

Always  keep  your  nose  in  good  repair,  whether 
at  home  or  abroad.  Never  enter  a  house  without 
first  having  scraped  all  the  dirt  from  your  shoes — 
not  half  of  it,  but  all  of  it.  • 

I  dislike  the  company  of  dogs,  in  the  parlor  or 
dining-room.  I  would  as  soon  associate  with  pigs 
and  calves,  as  with  puppies.  There  is  no  telling 
how  mrch  I  have  been  annoyed  by  the  favorite 
lap-dogs  of  those  who  have  no  other  children  to 
worship. 

I  dislike  to  hear  stories  told  in  company,  unless 
they  originate  in  facts  of  the  most  recent  date, 
combining  something  of  interest  or  wit.  In  nine 
cases  out  of  ten,  a  story  told  to  amuse  a  social 
circle,  turns  out  to  be  "  an  old  acquaintance ;"  and 
which,  instead  of  affording  diversion  to  the  com- 
pany, requires  to  be  sustained  by  an  affected  smile 
from  those  who  are  only  glad  that  it  is  ended. 


!72  THINGS   THAT   I    DISLIKE. 

I  dislike  to  have  a  man  put  his  hand  on  me  in  a 
familiar  manner,  or  to  lean  upon  me  in  a  style 
which  indicates  more  of  indolence  than  respect. 
Gentlemen  of  refinement  are  never  seen  with  their 
arms  around  each  other's  neck,  or  sitting  in  each 
other's  lap  ;  nor  is  it  genteel  for  one  man  to  place 
his  legs  across  those  of  his  friend.  These  are 
practices  which  are  odious  in  the  extreme,  and  I 
hate  them.  I  can  hardly  pardon  a  man  for  putting 
even  his  finger  on  me,  whatever  his  motive  may 
be — the  whole  hand  of  a  lady  would  be  far  less  ob- 
jectionable. 

Among  the  things  that  I  dislike  when  travelling 
and  among  strangers,  is  that  (for  the  want  of  bet- 
ter accommodations  at  a  better  tavern,)  of  sleeping 
two  in  a  bed,  especially  when  there  is  no  other 
temptation  to  it,  than  that  of  a  long  beard,  dirty 
feet,  a  general  external  of  doubtful  cleanliness,  and 
the  blessing  of  a  loud,  constant,  and  frightful  sno- 
ring. 

Snoring  !  My  stars  !  what  lady  could  think  of 
marrying  a  man  who  snores  in  his  sleep  !  I  would 
almost  as  soon  undertake  to  reconcile  myself  to 
one  who  used  tobacco  and  profane  language  when 
awake.  Nothing  but  the  absolute  necessity  of  the 
case,  ("the  want  of  a  better  choice,)  can  justify  a 
lady  for  uniting  herself  with  one  under  the  matri. 
monial  yoke,  who,  independently  of  any  additional 


THINGS  THAT  I  DISLIKE.  73 

burthen,  is  all  but  choked  to  death  with  the  yoke 
which  "  single  blessedness"  had  already  placed 
upon  his  neck. 

1  dislike  to  see  one,  two,  or  more,  clownish  fel- 
lows stretched  at  full  length  on  a  country  mer- 
chant's counter — a  spectacle  that  may  be  daily 
witnessed  in  every  inland  town  in  the  union.  The 
counter  of  a  dry-goods'  store  is  not  intended  for 
the  exhibition  of  swine,  dead  or  alive ;  but  for  the 
display  of  calicoes  and  cambrics  for  the  inspection 
of  the  ladies.  My  patience  !  how  much  pork  there 
is  in  the  world  ! 

When  mild,  persuasive  means  do  fail, 
Severe  reproofs,  perchance,  prevail. 

I  dislike  to  see  boys  hang  on  to  the  hindmost 
part  of  a  stage-coach,  gig,  or  sleigh,  when  any  one 
is  driving  along  the  street.  Parents,  masters,  and 
school-teachers  who  will  knowingly  permit  this 
practice,  are  either  ignorant  of  what  constitutes 
the  rules  of  decency,  or  shamefully  indifferent  to 
the  observance  of  them.  Boys  who  indulge  in  this 
practice,  deserve  to  be  earnestly  admonished  for 
the  first  offence,  and  flogged  for  the  second  ;  and 
guardians  who  can  witness  the  abominable  rude- 
ness with  silent  and  thoughtless  composure,  de- 
serve the  same  course  of  treatment,  themselves. 

I  dislike,  when  walking  or  riding  by  a  farmer's 
house,  to  have  a  dog,  large  or  small,  run  out  of  the 


74  THINGS   THAT    I    DISLIKE 

yard  into  the  street,  and  bark  at  me  in  a  style  that 
indicates  a  design  to  tear  me  or  my  horse,  or  both, 
in  pieces. 

When  I  am  thus  annoyed,  I  conclude  that  the 
owner  of  the  dog — who,  more  than  possibly,  is 
standing  in  the  door,  witnessing  the  scene — is  no 
less  destitute  of  manners,  than  the  cur  that  repre- 
sents him  ;  and  that,  if  he  had  no  dog  to  snarl  and 
bark  at  travellers  in  his  stead,  he  would  do  it  him- 
self. It  would  seem  that  the  principal  difference 
between  the  surly  dog  and  his  stupid  master,  con- 
sisted in  the  fact,  that  the  animal  with  four  legs- 
manifests  a  spirit  and  energy  that  inspire  him  to 
the  assault,  while  the  other  one  with  only  two  legs,, 
has  but  just  life  and  sense  of  decency  enough  fco 
stand  or  sit  and  look  on  with  speechless  indiffer- 
ence. 

I  dislike  to  see  any  one,  when  standing  with  his 
back  to  the  fire,  remove  the  skirts  of  his  coat  from 
the  position  in  which  the  tailor  designed  they 
should  hang.  When  I  see  an  individual  turn  his 
back  to  the  fire,  and  remove  the  skirts  of  his  coat 
as  above,  I  suspect  him  of  having  a  roll  of  butter 
in  his  pocket  ;  and  that  the  precaution  is  taken  to 
prevent  it  from  melting  and  running  down  upon 
his  pantaloons ;  or  for  some  other  purpose  which 
need  not  be  named.  The  practice  to  which  I  al- 
lude, is  certainly   not  genteel,  particularly  when 


THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE.  75 

ladies  are  present.  The  spectacle  reminds  me  of 
the  graceless  predicament  of  a  young  robin,  hav- 
ing no  feathers  with  which  to  cover  its  nakedness. 
Who  ever  saw  a  lady  go  and  stand  with  her 
back  to  the  fire,  removing  the  loose  folds  of  her 
frock,  either  for  the  purpose  of  preventing  the  fire 
from  burning  her  clothes,  or  of  warming  herself 
with  all  possible  dispatch?  Nobody.  Ladies  have 
too  much  respect  for  themselves  and  for  those  with 
whom  they  associate,  to  be  caught  in  such  a  beastly 
trick* 


THINGS  THAT  I  DISLIKE, 


CHAPTER  II. 

I  dislike  to  hear  parents  talk  about  their  child- 
ren. To  sit  and  listen  to  a  senseless  narration  of 
the  half-witted  exploits  of  a  little  dirty  child,  is 
absolutely  worse  than  solitary  confinement  in  a 
dark  cell.  Most  parents  suppose  their  own  child- 
ren smarter,  more  forward,  and  more  promising, 
than  those  of  their  neighbors.  If  they  can  go  alone 
by  the  time  they  are  a  year  old — which  is  nothing 
more  than  a  calf  can  do  in  less  than  fifteen  min- 
utes from  the  time  he  first  sees  day-light,  it  is  con- 
sidered with  the  parent  of  so  much  interest,  that 
he  cannot  refrain  from  speaking  of  it  in  the  pre- 
sence of  company.  Then  a  bow  must  be  made,  or 
perhaps  the  child  can  entertain  you,  to  the  silly 
exultation  of  his  authors,  by  counting  as  far  as 
three,  or  telling  the  story  of  Jack  and  Jill  going 
through  the  rye.  I  am  a  great  lover  of  children  ; 
but  I  choose  to  entertain  myself  with  them  in  my 
own  way.     When  the  parents  become  directors  of 


THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE.  7l 

ceremonies  in  the  exhibition  of  their  offspring, 
every  relish  which  might  be  enjoyed  from  the  spon- 
taneous and  unrestrained  movements  of  their  pro- 
geny, is  turned  to  disgust.  To  hear  any  one  praise 
himself,  or  what  is  so  inseparably  identified  with 
himself,  that  it  amounts  to  about  the  same  thing, 
is  far  enough  from  what  is  called  agreeable  enter- 
tainment. Indeed,  rather  than  submit  to  the  chas- 
tisement, I  would  go  and  sit  on  the  bank  of  a  mill- 
pond,  in  the  hot  sun,  to  see  a  spaniel  dog  plunge 
into  the  water  to  bring  out  chips  in  his  mouth — a 
sport  so  gratifying  to  the  master  who  claims  the 
doubtful  superiority,  that  can  be  delighted  with  a 
feather  and  tickled  with  a  straw.  For  mercy's 
sake,  keep  your  children,  not  only  out  of  my  way, 
but  out  of  my  sight  and  hearing  also,  unless  you 
can  allow  me  to  feel  and  say  as  much  and  as  little 
as  I  like,  in  admiration  of  their  voluntary  move- 
ments. 

Physic. — I  dislike  to  hear  any  one  use  the  word 
physic.  The  word  is  objectionable,  considered 
merely  as  the  name  of  an  article  which  never  looks 
so  well  as  when  at  the  greatest  distance  off.  It 
is  a  word  without  manners  and  without  fashion — ■ 
it  pays  no  respect  to  the  rules  of  .good  society — in 
all  its  operations,  it  neither  asks  favors  nor  returns 
thanks — it  keeps  bad  company — -it  is  the  author 
of  unpopular  productions — in  short,  it  is  the  insti. 
7* 


78  THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE, 

gator  of  treasonable  internal  commotions  and  fever- 
ish excitements — -together  with  numerous  other  dis- 
turbances that  might  be  named -in  legitimate  asso- 
ciation. Yet  how  often  do  I  hear  the  word  physic 
used,  even  at  the  table,  just  as  though  it  were  ap- 
propriate trimmings  for  the  various  meats  and  ve- 
getables with  which  the  board  is  spread.  The 
word  medicine,  which  is  sufficiently  objectionable 
at  dinner  time,  is,  nevertheless,  far  preferable  to 
the  word  'physic.  The  word  medicine  is  of  a  less 
definite  signification  than  physic.  Some  take 
brandy  and  water  as  a  medicine,  (a  poor  excuse 
where  a  better  is  not,)  but  the  other  word  which 
I  can  no  longerendure,  is  never  found  in  such  good 
company.  Gently,  now,  my  generous  patient ;  does 
your  pulse  beat  with  indignation,  under  the  influ- 
ence of  my  prescription  ?  Do  you  accuse  me  of 
wanton  severity  1  and  do  you  say  that  a  milder 
dose  would  have  been  adequate  to  the  complaint  ; 
and  that  a  more  palatable  pill  would  have  worked 
a  reduction  of  the  disease  ?  Perhaps  you  are  right ; 
but  it  would  not  be  esteemed  good  practice  in  a 
physician  to  consult  with  fancy,  when  considera- 
tions of  a  greater  moment  are  at  stake.  But  after 
all  is  said  and  done,  preventives  are  better,  cheaper,  I 
and  far  more  certain  than  cures ;  therefore  let  it 
be  understood  that  the  object  of  this  preparation 
is   to  fortify  the  youthful  constitution  against  a 


THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE.  79 

prevalent  contagion  to  which  it  is  exposed  ;  in  other 
words,  to  serve  as  a  sort  of  mental  vaccination,  un- 
der the  name  of  land  hints. 

To  mention  the  name  of  any  thing  at  the  table, 
which  is  in  the  least  degree  offensive  in  itself,  is  a 
breach  of  good  manners. 

In  the  course  of  my  travels  about  the  country,  I 
once  stopped,  for  a  few  days,  at  a  very  good  public 
house  in  Newburgh  ;  and  while  there,  one  day,  we 
had  for  dinner,  among  other  things,  a  dish  of  eels. 
A  gentleman  on  my  right,  remarked  that  the 
"  Scotch  never  eat  eels,  for  the  reason  that  they 
look  so  much  like  snakes."  I  could  not  suppress 
the  reply,  that,  for  the  same  reason,  the  disgusting 
comparison  should  never  be  made,  especially  at  the 
table.  Had  the  board  been  furnished  with  a  dish 
of  squirrels,  I  suppose  the  gentleman  would  have 
said  :  "  I  never  eat  squirrels,  they  look  so  much 
like  rats."  Against  sausages  he  might  have  con- 
jured up  several  objections.  For  myself,  I  was 
glad  that  I  had  already  made  choice  of  roasted 
beef,  which  placed  me,  in  some  degree,  above  his 
persecuting  fancy. 

At  a  subsequent  period  of  time,  at  a  very  re- 
spectable boarding-house  in  the  city  of  New-Or- 
leans, a  young  gentleman  who  sat  opposite  to  me 
at  the  breakfast  table,  in  the  course  of  conversa- 
tion, by  way  of  forcible  illustration,  remarked  to 


80  THINGS   THAT    I    DXSLSKk. 

his  companions,  that  it  was  "hard  to  spoil  foMn 
eggs."  To  me,  this  allusion  was  particularly  un- 
seasonable ;  for  I  had  just  at  that  moment  taken  a 
fried  egg  upon  my  plate.  I  had  no  reason  to  doubt 
that  the  egg  which  I  had  taken  was  a  good  one  ; 
but  I  did  not  feel  at  all  gratified  that  the  bare  pos- 
sibility of  its  being  otherwise,  should  have  been 
suggested  to  my  imagination. 

In  the  city  of  Mobile,  a  gentlemen  observed,  at 
the  table,  that  the  boiled  mutton  had  the  appear- 
ance of  having  had  the  consumption!  Another 
gentleman  at  the  same  table,  took  the  very  impro- 
per opportunity  to  lecture  on  the  best  method  of 
feeding  silk-worms  ! 

In  the  town  of  *  *  *  *,  in  the  State  of  Georgia, 
a  certain  lady  observed,  in  my  hearing,  at  the  din- 
ner-table, that  if  the  Union  political  party  gained 
the  victory  at  the  pending  election,  she  would  go 
forthwith  and  take  a  thorough  portion  of  salts  !  But 
whether  she  meant  to  be  understood  that  she 
should  resort  to  cathartics  for  the  purpose  of  re- 
lieving  her  mind  or  her  corporeal  functions  from 
oppression,  I  was  not  particular  to  inquire. 

It  was  quite  enough  for  my  stomach,  that  'physic 
was  to  be  the  remedy.  This  lady  was  a  zealous 
politician  and  a  spirited  "  nidlifier"  and  possessed 
as  much  right  and  as  much  power  to  nullify  the 
operation  of  a  dose  of  salts,  as  did  her  husband  to 
nullify  constitutional  law. 


THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE.  8! 

To  do  this  lady  strict  justice,  when  conversing 
upon  politics,  she  discovered  as  much  wisdom  as 
do  most  men  when  discussing  the  merits  of  public 
men  and  public  measures,  which,  being  interpreted, 
signifies  consummate  ignorance. 

Extremes,  in  any  thing,  do  not  commend  them- 
selves to  a  reflecting  mind  or  a  sound  and  stable 
understanding.  The  professed  dandy,  the  devotee 
of  fashion,  is  as  contemptible  in  the  estimation  of 
good  sense,  as  filthy  rags  and  pig-pen  manners  are 
disgusting  to  a  healthy  regard  for  cleanliness  or  a 
respectful  deportment. 

I  do  not  like  tight  boots,  and  I  know  not  who 
does,  especially  in  hot  weather.  Neither  do  I  want 
them  so  large  that  one  might  possibly  answer  the 
purpose  of  two. 

In  fly-time,  mosquitoes  are  most  hateful.  It  is 
the  buzzing  noise  of  more  than  fivehundred  of  these 
piratical  viilians,  by  which  I  am  at  this  moment 
surrounded,  that  has  suggested  this  part  of  my  com- 
plaint. To  be  obliged  to  put  on  a  thick  great  coat 
with  buckskin  gloves,  in  a  sultry  evening,  to  keep 
off  these  merciless  invaders,  is  like  destroying  the 
patient  with  the  remedy,  to  cure  the  disease. 

Too  much  kindness  is  almost  as  bad  as  too  little. 
I  like  uncle  Samuel  and  all  his  family,  and  I  believe 
they  like  me  well  enough,  too ;  but  I  do  not  like 
the  manner  in  which  they  set  their  table.     The 


82  THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE. 

meat,  pudding,  pie,  cake,  honey,  and  preserves  are 
all  paraded  before  their  guests,  at  once,  Indeed, 
so  thickly  are  the  various  dishes  crowded  together, 
that  they  literally  cover  the  whole  surface,  leaving 
no  room  to  put  any  thing  where  something  is  not. 
I  should  visit  this  worthy  old  uncle  much  oftener 
than  I  now  do,  if  his  daughters  (cheerful  girls,  my 
own  cousins,  too.)  would  keep  the  puddings,  pies, 
cakes,  and  preserves  out  of  the  way,  until  I  am 
ready  to  eat  them.  I  like  elbow-room.  Imagine 
yourself  a  fiddler  in  a  meal-bag,  and  then  blame  me 
if  you  can,  for  complaining  of  the  inconvenience 
to  which  I  allude.     Now  for  the  contrast. 

When  I  visit  the  city  of  New-York,  which  I  do 
three  or  four  times  in  a  year,  I  stop  at  a  hotel 
where  it  is  not  so  fashionably  important  what  we 
have  to  eat,  as  how  we  eat  it.  A  hundred  men 
dining  all  at  one  table,  under  military  discipline, 
are  no  small  show.  Here  we  have  one  thing  at  a 
time.  When  we  have  partaken  of  as  much  beef, 
goose,  chicken,  veal,  and  mutton  as  we  wish,  our 
plates  are  taken  away,  the  dishes  all  removed,  and 
then  the  crumb-brush  is  put  in  requisition — all  of 
which  formality  occupies  about  half  an  hour.  This 
system  of  economy  is  a  good  thing,  especially  in  a 
tavern-keeper ;  for,  during  this  long  and  awkward 
intermission  between  meats  and  desserts,  one-half 
sf  the  guests  (whose  patience  has  been  exhausted 


THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE,  83" 

long  before  the  reserved  delicacies  appear,)  leave 
the  table  and  go  about  their  business  :  of  course, 
so  much  is  saved  to  the  host.  What  I  wish  to  say, 
is,  I  dislike  the  practice.  Could  I  have  my  way 
about  it,  every  individual's  plate  should  be  changed 
the  moment  he  has  done  with  it,  and  the  dessert 
served  to  him  before  he  has  forgotten  what  he  is 
waiting  for.  Three  pence  worth  of  common  sense 
would  keep  folks  somewhere  between  two  ex- 
tremes, and  add  much  to  the  comfort  of  themselves 
and  others. 

I  am  willing  to  accommodate  my  neighbors  with 
the  loan  of  my  saw,  beetle,  and  wedges,  hammer, 
and  gimlet ;  but  I  do  not  like  that  they  should  keep 
them  till  I  want  them,  and  then  be  obliged  to  go 
after  them  myself. 

I  dislike  to  see  a  man  assume  too  many  airs  of 
self-importance,  pretending  to  be  better  and  to 
know  more  than  any  body  else — vainly  viewing 
himself  as  being  the  pinnacle  of  perfection  ;  there- 
fore, fearing  that  I  may  fall  into  the  pit  of  my  own 
working,  I  will  dismiss  the  subject  of  this  chapter, 
for  the  present,  with  the  following  plea  in  defence. 

It  is  an  admittud  truth,  that  a  degree  of  assu* 
ranee  (by  another  name,  confidence)  seems  to  form 
an  indispensable  seasoning  in  many  affairs  of  lau- 
j  dable  enterprise.  Productions,  inventions  and  im- 
provements] of  intrinsic  merit,  would  often  fall  into 


84  THINGS    THAT    I    DISLIKE. 

the  shade  of  thankless  obscurity,  were  they  not 
proclaimed  in  terms  that  witness  zeal,  where  in- 
terest stands  at  the  helm.  But  for  that  commenda- 
ble perseverance  in  a  good  cause,  which  never 
owned  fatigue,  how  comparatively  few  would  have 
known  the  merits  of  Lee's  genuine  Windham  pills  ; 
Thompson's  celebrated  eye- water  ;  Wheaton's  in* 
fallible  itch-ointment ;  Day  &  Martin's  inimitable 
blacking  ;  Swaim's  renovating  panacea  ;  or  Pres- 
ton's Popular  Treatise  on  Book-Keeping  ;  to 
say  nothing  of  Interest  Tables  and  Stories  for 
the  Whole  Family,  by  the  same  author ! 


THE  CONTRIBUTION  BOX, 

OR 

INFLUENCE  OF  EXAMPLE. 


When  I  was  travelling  through  the  State  of 
Virginia,  I  took  passage  on  board  the  steam-boat, 
at  City-Point,  about  eleven  miles  from  Petersburg, 
for  the  city  of  Norfolk.  There  were  several  gen- 
tlemen on  board,  who  had  come  from  Richmond, 
and  a  number  of  others  went  on  board  at  the  same 
time  and  place  that  I  did.  Here  I  was,  an  entire 
stranger,  among  strangers  ;  but  feeling  disposed  to 
avail  myself  of  the  privilege  which  the  court  of 
etiquette  has  decided  to  be  common  stock  among 
those  who  are  journeying  in  a  public  conveyance, 
I  soon  entered  into  conversation  with  a  well-dres- 
sed gentleman  of  significant  airs,  whose  acquaint- 
ance with  the  country  and  whose  sociable  turn  of 
mind  proved  him  to  be  the  most  fortunate  selection 
that  I  could  have  made  for  the  day's  journey  asso- 
ciate. 

Among  other  things  that  attracted  my  attention, 
8 


86  INFLUENCE    OF    EXAMPLE. 

on  board  of  our  boat,  was  a  small  chest  -or  box,  on 
which  was  written,  in  capital  letters  :  "Give  a 
cent  to  Fulton's  heirs."  Pointing  to  the  box,  I 
remarked  to  my  fellow-traveller,  that  there  was  a 
loud  appeal  to  our  patriotism  and  benevolence,  (I 
am  not  certain  that  I  did  not  use  the  more  appro- 
priate term,  gratitude,)  at  the  same  time  proposing; 
to  comply  with  the  request.  The  gentleman  ap- 
proved of  my  proposal,  and  immediately  put  his 
hand  in  his  pocket,  from  which  he  took  out  a  quan- 
tity of  change,  and  from  which  he  began  to  sepa- 
rate the  cents,  for  the  purpose  of  joining  in  the 
contribution.  Indeed,  he  appeared  to  relish  the 
opportunity  of  expressing  his  sense  of  the  great 
benefits  that  have  been  conferred  upon  the  world, 
by  the  exalted  talents  of  him  whose  heirs  have 
been  left  to  inherit  the  hungry  patrimony  of  a 
charitable  revenue.  Truly,  thought  I,  this  is  "  the 
man  of  feeling."  There  was  something  peculiar 
in  his  manner,  that  I  could  not  admire  too  much, 
It  spoke  relief  to  the  unfortunate,  consolation  to 
the  afflicted,  and  sympathy  for  the  poor.  In  the 
mean  time,  I  put  in  the  only  cent  I  had,  (that,  too, 
being  all  that  was  asked,)  and  walked  to  another 
part  of  the  boat,  feeling  a  little  ashamed  to  stand 
fey  and  see  the  other  gentlemen  put  in  four  or  five 
cents,  when  I  had  put  in  but  one. 

In  the  course  of  the  afternoon — whether  from 


INFLUENCE    OP    EXAMPLE.  ^    87 

that  curiosity  which  distinguishes  the  land  of  my 
nativity,  (New-England,)  whether  from  a  consti- 
tutional  or  acquired  jealousy  of  mind,  which  leads 
me  to  suspect  that  all  is  not  gold  that  shines ;  or 
whether,  from  a  more  than  ordinary  share  of  sym- 
pathy for  the  unfortunate,  that  induced  me  to  ex- 
amine the  box,  to  see  if  it  were  half,  two-thirds, 
or  three-quarters  full,  I  know  not  ;  but  this  I  know, 
I  took  up  the  box  and  gave  it  a  good,  faithful  sha- 
king, when,  behold  !  my  solitary  cent  was  all  that 
disturbed  the  silence  of  this  repository  of  gifts. 
But  for  my  example,  this  gentleman  would  not 
have  taken  the  change  from  his  pocket ;  and  but 
for  the  circumstance  of  my  having  walked  to  the 
other  side  of  the  boat,  leaving  him  to  act  uninflu- 
enced by  my  presence,  he  would  not  have  put  it 
back  again. 

How  many  charitable  donations  are  bestowed 
in  public,  that  would  have  been  withheld  in  pri- 
vate !  Contributions  taken  up  in  public  assem- 
blies, should  not  be  received  in  a  hat  or  a  bag  ;  for 
a  broken  button  dropped  into  either  of  these,  makes 
as  loud  and  as  charitable  a  noise  as  would  a  dollar. 

There  are  few,  perhaps  none,  who  are  fully  sen- 
sible how  much  they  are  influenced  in  what  they 
think  and  do,  by  what  others  believe  and  practice. 
Who  dares  but  admire  what  the  multitude  applaud  ! 
Millions  may  delight  to  make  themselves  conspicu* 


88  INFLUENCE    OF    EXAMPLE. 

ous  in  a  fashionable  vice,  while  few  there  are  who 
have  the  fortitude  and  the  virtue  to  be  singularly 
just. 

Opinions,  whether  founded  in  truth  or  in  error, 
are  fraught  with  a  burning  contagion.  Who  would 
not  follow  in  the  "  footsteps  of  an  illustrious  pre- 
decessor?" Who  would  not  worship  at  the  altar 
where  our  fathers  have  paid  their  devotions  ;  and 
who  would  not  think  and  speak  well  of  a  man  and 
of  his  performances  which  have  already  found  their 
way  into  good  company,  and  which  are  apparently 
on  their  ascending  course  to  popular  favor  ?  To 
eat,  to  drink,  to  wear,  read,  admire,  to  love  and 
worship  that  which  either  chance,  caprice  good 
sense,  or  folly  may  extol,  constitutes  the  wisdom 
of  the  world. 


IT  IS  DANGEROUS  TO  SPEAK  ILL 
OF  OTHERS. 


Self-love  and  self-gratification  constituting  in 
the  human  mind  a  grand  incentive  to  action,  it  is 
nothing  very  strange  that  we  should  feel  emotions 
of  uneasiness,  whenever  any  thing  transpires  to 
chill  the  ardor  of  aspiration,  to  embitter  the  sweets 
of  repose,  to  cast  a  shade  over  the  scenes  of  pros- 
pective joy — intercepting  the  current  of  social  de- 
light, or  to  shut  the  last  avenue  of  hope.  Self-love 
dictates  that  we  should  love  others  who  love  us 
and  who  contribute  to  our  necessities,  and  who, 
from  the  vivacity  of  their  imagination  and  sweet- 
ness of  temper,  increase  the  sum  of  our  pleasures. 

Self-love  (not  like  charity,)  uncovereth  "  a  mul- 
titude of  sins,"  and  places  them  to  the  account  of 
the  man  who,  in  crossing  the  orbit  of  our  wishes, 
deprives  us  of  any  good  ;  although,  by  a  common 
right,  secured  to  him  by  the  usage  of  social  inter- 
course as  well  as  by  the  law  of  the  land,  he  is  justi- 
fied in  so  doing.  It  is  dangerous  to  speak  ill  of 
others  who  are  not  so  bad,  so  destitute  of  common 
decency,  and  so  void  of  principle,  as  to  have  two 
8* 


90  .     DANGER  OF  EVIL  SPEAKING. 

enemies  to  wish  them  ill,  to  one  friend  to  wish  them 
well  ;  or  who  are  not  so  absolutely  contemptible 
as  to  have  neither  the  one  nor  the  other. 

I  remember  well  an  occurrence  which  happened, 
as  you  will  readily  suppose,  long  before  that  period 
in  life  when  gray  hairs  denote  a  prudence  which 
would  dictate  the  care  to  "  think  twice  before 
speaking  once,"  and  that  the  only  safe  repository 
of  an  uncharitable  thought,  is  in  the  breast  of  him 
alone  by  whom  it  is  conceived.  In  the  course  of 
my  professional  avocation,  during  a  short  but  una. 
voidable  absence  from  home,  a  young  gentleman 
for  whom  (until  the  moment  when  interest  had 
drawn  a  separating  line,)  I  had  ever  cherished  a 
most  cordial  friendship,  was  employed  to  execute 
a  work  which  I  had  before  anticipated  would  have 
been  given  to  me.  This  seemed  an  unpardonable 
offence  in  my  competitor ;  and  from  that  moment 
I  could  not  think  of  him  without  feelings  of  jealous 
dislike.  I  looked  upon  him  as  employing  every 
low  and  secret  artifice  to  accomplish  his  designs 
at  my  expense  ;  and  ever,  when  we  happened  to 
meet,  the  smile  which,  as  formerly,  was  wont  to 
play  upon  his  fair,  ingenuous,  yet  dignified  coun- 
tenance, was  construed,  in  my  mind,  to  be  no  other 
than  the  mantle  of  deep  intrigue. 

Had  I  reproached  him,  unheard  by  friend  or  foe, 
until  the  very  walls  of  my  chamber  reflected  black- 


DANGER    OF    EVIL    SPEAKING.  91 

ness,  and  whispered  from  every  side  the  responding 
epithet  of  demon,  I  might  have  been  spared  the 
mortification  which  I  was  doomed  to  suffer ;  but 
it  was  my  folly  to  communicate  my  displeasure, 
accompanied  by  some  expressions  of  contempt,  to 
an  acquaintance  but  just  formed  ;  who,  with  an 
effort  to  maintain  a  medium  of  feeling  between  the 
accused  and  the  accuser,  although  with  a  discon- 
certed countenance,  gave  me  to  understand  that 
the  person  of  whom  I  complained,  was  his  intimate 
ariend  and  benefactor.  I  will  not  attempt  to  tell 
you  how  I  appeared,  nor  how  I  felt.  That  will  be 
less  difficult  for  you  to  imagine,  than  for  me  to  de- 
scribe. Suffice  it  to  say,  it  made  an  impression 
upon  my  mind,  which  has  served  as  a  maxim 
through  succeeding  years,  that  "it  is  dangerous 
to  speak  ill  of  others." 


FATE  OF  TAVERN-KEEPERS 


There  is  no  business  wholly  exempt  from  griev- 
ous circumstances.  The  farmer  could  relate  as 
many  troubles  as  there  are  days  in  the  week  ;  and 
the  faithful  mechanic  is  as  often  compelled  to  abide 
the  verdict  of  guilty,  because  the  wares  of  his  shop 
are  not  found  proof  against  water,  fire,  and  the 
heedlessness  of  the  consumer. 

It  is  the  fate  of  tavern-keepers  to  serve,  not  only 
those  who  are  respectful  in  their  demands  and 
cheerful  in  paying  for  what  they  receive,  but  very 
often,  too,  it  is  their  sad  fortune  to  witness  the 
magisterial  airs  and  to  listen  to  the  dictatorial  bid- 
dings of  those  who  are  as  worthless  in  character, 
as  they  are  destitute  of  means  wherewith  to  settle 
their  bills.  I  have  known  instances  where  indi- 
viduals, after  having  lodged  in  the  chamber,  drank 
at  the  bar,  and  sat  at  the  table  of  their  landlord, 
for  three  or  four  months,  have  settled  their  accounts 
by  giving  their  draft  on  some  idle,  gambling  friend 
no  more  able  nor  willing  to  pay  than  themselves, 
The  patience  of  Job  was,  it  is  said,  thoroughly 
tried  by  various  severe  tests  ;  but  it  is  not  related 


FATE    OF    TAVERN-KEEPERS.  93 

that  he  ever  kept  a  tavern  for  the  accommodation 
of  all  sort3  of  trash  that  might  happen  to  be  stroll- 
ing over  the  country,  some  without  manners,  oth- 
ers without  cash,  and  some  having  none  of  either. 
It  is  not  related  of  this  good  man,  that  he  ever  en- 
tertained the  daily  arrivals  of  those  whose  external 
decency  required  an  introduction  to  his  best  rooms  ; 
and  that  the  only  marks  of  gratitude  shown  him  in 
their  deportment,  were  to  be  traced  in  the  bounti- 
ful streams  of  tobacco-juice  that  had  been  deposited 
on  his  once  bright  and  cheerful  looking  carpet,  the 
pride  of  his  mansion. 

I  have  travelled  considerably,  but  have  seldom 
stopped  at  a  public  house,  however  high  its  repu- 
tation, where,  itpon  being  shown  to  a  lodging- 
room,  my  every  sense  of  decency  was  not  shocked 
at  beholding  the  dried  remains  of  tobacco-juice 
and  other  expectorated  matter,  exhibiting  a  filthy 
contrast  with  perhaps  a  clean  and  newly  white- 
washed wall!  Any  man  that  will  lie  in  bed  and 
spit  upon  the  wall,  ought  to  have  the  mark  of  the 
clog  (for  I  know  of  no  other  beast  whose  practice 
renders  the  association  of  his  name  more  appro- 
priate,) placed  on  his  forehead,  that  the  tavern- 
keeper  might  know  how  to  distribute  among  his 
guests,  each  according  to  his  merits,  a  spit-box  to 
receive  the  nocturnal  oozings  of  his  salivary  glands. 
No  honest  man  will  be  guilty  of  this  offence  ;  and 


14  FATE    OF    TAVERN-KEEPERS* 

he  who  is,  would  steal  my  watch  or  my  cloak,  if 
he  could  do  it  with  equal  impunity.  It  is  a  vice 
Wholly  incompatible  with  any  pretensions  to  virtue. 

The  scandalous  and  disgusting  nuisance  of  which 
we  complain,  fully  entitles  its  perpetrator  to  the 
highest  office  and  the  highest  honors  within  the 
gift  of  swine.  The  culprit  who  can  deliberately 
commit  so  vile  an  act,  should  forthwith  be  furnished 
with  a  yoke  for  his  neck,  a  ring  for  his  no3e,  and 
then  turned  into  the  street  to  run  with  compan- 
ions which  nature  has  adapted  to  his  taste. 

It  is  also  a  great  want  of  respect,  and  ao  entire 
indifference  to  decency,  to  go  into  any  house,  pub- 
lic or  private,  without  first  scraping  the  dirt  from 
the  soles  of  your  shoes.  I  must  confess,  however, 
that  I  sometimes  find  an  apology  for  neglecting 
this  ceremony,  in  the  omission,  on  the  part  of  the 
owner,  to  furnish  the  requisite  means  for  accom- 
plishing it.  Tavern-keepers,  although  often  im- 
posed  upon  by  others,  are  in  turn  frequently  remiss 
on  their  own  part.  I  have  sat  at  a  table  where, 
with  every  variety  of  flesh,  fish,  and  fowl  before 
me,  I  might  have  starved  for  the  want  of  a  carv- 
ing-knife sharp  enough  to  cut  either,  had  not  the 
bill  of  fare  furnished  a  plate  of  soup  as  a  substitute 
for  something  more  to  my  liking.  A  good  lock  to 
a  bed-room  door,  without  any  key,  is  often  the  only 
sentinel  (and  which  knows  no  respect  to  persons,) 
that  guards  me  and  mine  during  the  hours  of  sleep. 


FATE    OP    TAVERN-KEEPERS.  95 

The  warning  or  first  bell  for  breakfast,  rings  at 
seven  ;  and  the  second  in  fifteen  minutes  after. 
This  may  do  where  every  man  can  regulate  his 
own  hours  of  business  and  of  rest,  or  where  it  is 
fashionable  for  company  to  appear  at  table  in  their 
shirt-sleeves,  without  having  washed,  shaved, 
brushed  their  hair,  cleaned  their  finger-nails,  or 
made  any  other  preparations  to  appear  decently 
in  public  ;  but  in  cases  where  one  has  been  kept 
up  late  at  night,  in  travelling  or  otherwise,  half 
an  hour's  warning  is  little  enough. 

The  worst,  however,  remains  to  be  told ;  for  in 
some  taverns  and  still  more  boarding-houses,  we 
have  but  one  bell  in  the  morning,  and  in  other3» 
none  at  all. 

To  conclude  for  the  present,  (gentle,  accom- 
plished, and  fair  reader,  forgive  the  allusion,)  the 
most  common  but  no  less  unpardonable  neglect  on 
the  part  of  tavern-keepers  and  those  who  keep 
boarding-houses,  is,  to  permit  the  accumulation  of 
dirt,  filth,  and  cobwebs,  in  the  apartments  of  fash, 
ionable  resort,  until  visitors  are  absolutely  in  dan- 
ger  of  ruining  their  clothes.  I  regard  this  monu. 
ment  as  furnishing  the  most  infallible  test  of  neat- 
ness  or  of  the  sluttish  habits  of  the  house-keeper, 
i  of  any  other  ;  and  were  I  a  young  man  in  search 
of  a  wife,  I  would  make  my  selection  (as  odd  as  it 
may  seem,)  from  that  family  where  this  test  fur- 

\ 


96  FATE    OF    TAVERN-KEEPERS. 

nished  the  all-requisite  testimonials  of  that  neat- 
ness without  which  there  is  not  left,  even  for  heav- 
en's best  gift  to  man,  a  single  redeeming  charm. 

Spit-boxes. — I  regard  spit-boxes  fas  connected 
with  existing  practices)  to  be  a  necessary — evil. 
How  often  have  I  had  my  stomach  nauseated  by 
one  or  more  of  these  shameless  intruders  in  a  pub- 
lic sitting  or  reading  room  !  Apple-parings  and 
pieces  of  cigars  mingled  in  with  the  grand  master 
of  the  lodge,  a  great,  filthy  tobacco-cud  I  Com- 
pared with  this  spectacle,  a  *******„*#*J  even  in 
its  worst  condition,  is  good  company.  Were  I 
master  of  ceremonies,  upon  discovering  the  atten- 
tions of  one  servant  to  be  inadequate  to  the  task 
of  keeping  the  graceless  spit-boxes  sufferably  clean, 
I  would  employ  two  ;  and  if  two  failed  to  accom- 
plish the  object,  I  would  then  go  and  do  it  myself. 

It  would  seem  that  common  sense  would  rectify 
the  errors  and  evils  of  which  wre  have  been  speak- 
ing ;  but  it  is  not  so.  The  truth  is,  common-sense, 
although  capable  of  discriminating  between  twa 
things  of  different  degrees  of  perfection,  when  both 
are  exhibited  at  one  view,  and  that  difference  for- 
cibly illustrated  by  an  accustomed  observer,  is,  at 
the  same  time,  slow  in  the  march  of  discovery, 
when  left  in  dependence  upon  its  own  native  and 
individual  inventive  powers. 


KEEP  YOUR  BAD  COLD  TO 
YOURSELF. 


That  principle  in  our  nature  which  prompts  us 
to  social  intercourse  with  our  fellow-beings,  is  a 
good  one  ;  and  there  are  transient  pleasures,  as 
well  as  substantial  and  lasting  benefits,  to  be  de- 
rived from  a  due  exercise  of  that  principle. 

We  are  pleased  to  communicate  to  others  such 
events  as  have  contributed  to  our  present  happi- 
ness, or  which  promise  to  result  in  our  future  wel- 
fare. Present  as  well  as  anticipated  advantages 
give  us  an  importance  in  the  estimation  of  others, 
which,  though  it  should  excite  their  envy,  will 
command  their  respect.  Hence,  our  vanity,  as 
well  as  our  real  interest,  urges  us  to  make  known 
to  those  with  whom  we  associate,  what  these  ad- 
vantages are,  although  they  may  not  be  claimed 
as  such,  under  that  name.  This  view  of  so  promi- 
nent a  trait  in  the  human  character,  may  seem  to 
render  it  the  more  difficult  to  account  for  the  pre- 
vailing disposition  in  men,  to  reveal  to  others  their 
infirmities  or  misfortunes ;  but  the  truth  is,  so  ir- 
resistible is  oar  desire  to  produce  in  the  minds  of 
9 


98  KEEP    YOUR   COLD   TO   YOURSELF* 

our  associates,  some  feeling,  some  emotion  of 
thought,  which  relates  to  ourselves,  that,  when 
other  resources  fail  as,  hoping  thereby  to  excite 
their  sympathy,  we  complain  of  a  bad  head-ache 
or  bad  cold  ;  at  the  same  time,  a  voluntary,  coun= 
terfeit  coughing  is  commenced,  and  the  clean  floor 
or  carpet  is  spit  upon,  by  way  of  giving  visible 
evidence  that  the  causs  of  complaint  is  not  wholly 
feigned.  This  ill-judged  device  may  afford  a  mo- 
mentary satisfaction  to  the  invalid,  but  it  is  an 
offence  to  the  host.  Men  associate  together  for 
purposes  of  mutual  advantage  ;  and  it  is  the  hope 
of  gain  that  constitutes  the  bond  of  society.  It 
would  be  no  less  indiscreet  for  one  who  wished  to 
obtain  credit  of  his  neighbor,  to  confess  his  ex- 
treme poverty,  than  for  a  man  who  wanted  em- 
ployment, to  complain  of  an  habitual  pain  in  his 
side. 

If  I  meet  an  acquaintance  (friend  is  the  fashiona- 
ble  word  ;  but  if  I  say  acquaintance  I  am  in  no 
danger  of  deceiving  myself)  if  I  meet  an  acquaint- 
ance,  I  pass  the  usual  compliments  with  him  : 
'*  How  do  you  do  ?  sir ;"  and,  perhaps,  I  inquire 
after  the  health  of  his  family,  in  return  for  my 
civilities,  he  makes  similar  inquiries  of  me  and 
mine.  Now  what  shall  I  say  to  him  ?  Shall  I  tell 
him  I  am  sick — that  my  nose  is  stopped  up  with 
a  terribly  bad  cold — or  that  the  corns  on  my  toes 


ItEEP    YOUR    COLD    TO    YOURSELF.         99 

prophesy  a  storm  1  True,  he  has  inquired  of  my 
health — not  because  he  cared  one  cent  whether  I 
am  sick  or  well,  but  because  it  would  be  uncivil 
and  awkward  to  meet  and  say  nothings  Hence, 
if  I  am  wellj  I  say  so.  If  I  am  sickj  the  brief  rei 
ply  is  :  "  Thank  you,  sir,  fine  morning,  sir,"  merely 
dropping  in  a  comma  between  the  first  three  and 
last  three  words.  It  affords  me  pleasure  to  meet 
an  acquaintance,  provided  he  does  not  offend  my 
ears  nor  my  stomach  with  the  unwelcome  com* 
plaint  of  illness, 

I  remember  even  to  this  day,  a  good  lady  who, 
eight  years  ago,  kept  a  boarding-house  in  the  city 
of  New-York,  (I  hope  she  is  living  still,)  and  who, 
in  order  to  impart  a  relish  to  the  bounties  of  her 
board,  complained  (at  the  dinner-table)  of  the  great 
inconvenience  she  realized  from  a  painful  tumor 
that  had  for  some  days  been  gathering  on  the  back 
of  her  neck.  I,  for  one,  felt  extremely  sorry  that 
the  vile  excrescence  had  dared  to  grow  on  the  good 
woman's  neck — sorry,  not  because  it  gave  her  pain, 
but  because  her  telling  of  it  gave  me  disagreeable 
sensations  ;  and  had  it  been  in  my  power,  acting 
from  the  impulse  of  the  moment,  instead  of  remo, 
ving  the  cause  of  complaint,  1  should  have  placed 
another  one  just  like  it,  right  by  its  side.  I  made 
up  my  mind  that,  to  pay  five  dollars  j/qt  week  for 
my  board,  and  then  to  have  my  sympathies  so  un* 


100   KEEP  YOUR  COLD  TO  YOURSELF. 

ceremoniously  levied  upon  to  the  amount  of  five 
dollars  more,  was  a  tax  that  I  had  not  promised  to 
pay  ;  so  I  moved  my  lodgings  to  another  house 
where  tumors,  the  head-ache,  the  back-ache,  the 
belly-ache,  and  physic  were  never  mentioned  at 
the  table. 

Men  esteem  themselves  and  respect  one  another 
for  their  natural  and  acquired  abilities.  Men  re- 
spect each  other  in  proportion  to  their  relative 
favorable  condition  in  life — not  even  making  al- 
lowance for  the  unavoidable  calamities  to  which 
all  are  liable.  A  man  of  full  size  and  strength,  al- 
ways looks  upon  a  rickety  dwarf  with  feelings 
wholly  different  from  those  realized  in  presence  of 
his  equal  in  bone  and  muscle.  It  may  be  safe, 
then,  to  speak  of  our  advantages ;  but  of  our  bad 
colds,  head-aches,  back-aches,  and  other  infirmities 
and  disadvantages,  let  them  pass  in  silence  by. 


MAXIMS. 

Keep  yourself  from  the  anger  of  a  great  man, 
from  the  tumult  of  a  mob,  from  a  woman  of  ill 
fame,  from  a  wind  that  comes  in  at  a  hole,  and 
from  a  reconciled  enemy. 

Industry  secures  health,  competency,  and  peace 
of  mind.  Idleness  begets  poverty,  drunkenness, 
guilty  conscience,  and  death. 


MAXIMS.  101 

He  that  would  possess  more  than  others  posses* 
of  the  good  things  of  this  world,  must  either  know 
more  than  they  know,  or  do  more  than  they  do, 
or  both, 


I 


MISERIES  OF  DISCRIMINATION, 


He  who  is  alike  pleased  with  all  the  various 
forms  and  qualities  of  things  with  which  it  hap- 
pens to  be  most  convenient  to  supply  himself,  or 
with  which,  if  from  home,  he  may  be  furnished  by 
others,  must  indeed  be  blessed  with  a  uniform  tran- 
quility of  mind,  which,  with  the  more  sensitive 
fastidious  man,  must  very  often  be  greatly  inter- 
rupted. With  the  former,  whether  his  coat  be  of 
a  shade  of  visible  green,  or  of  an  invisible  shade  of 
invisible  blue,  is  a  question  about  which  he  wastes 
neither  time  nor  words.  With  the  latter,  the  real 
and  imaginary  existence  of  shades,  are  subjects  of 
deep  solicitude.  Green,  blue,  and  black  must  be 
so  skilfully  blended  together,  as  to  puzzle  his  judg- 
ment in  deciding  of  which  there  has  been  most 
used  in  the  compound.  In  short,  he  finds  himself 
in  a  peck  of  trouble  lest  he  should  be  deceived  at 
last,  and  find  himself  equipped  in  visible  blue  in- 
stead of  invisible  green. 

There  appear  to  be  in  the  world  two  opposite 
classes  of  men,  acting  with  reference  to  opposite 
sources  of  enjoyment.     The  one  provide  for  them- 


MISERIES  OP  DISCRIMINATION.    103 

selves  the  needful  supply  of  food  and  raiment 
merely  to  preserve  life  and  strength,  that  they  may 
befitted  for  labor:  the  other  impose  upon  them- 
selves the  unwelcome  task  of  toil,  that  they  may 
gratify  a  palate  disciplined  to  luxury,  and  surround 
themselves  with  an  enviable  splendor.  And  if  it 
be  true,  that  where  there  are  the  greatest  propor- 
tion of  honest  men,  rogues  have  the  best  chance 
for  plunder  ;  so  it  is  also  true,  that  when  we  meet 
with  sensibility,  refinement,  and  a  discriminating 
choice  in  meats  and  drinks,  a  multitude  of  inci- 
dents will  intervene  to  curtail  the  enjoyment  which 
may  have  been  reckoned  as  secure. 

I  rejoice  that  I  am  not  so  critically  exact  about 
what  I  shall  eat  or  drink,  or  what  I  shall  put  on 
my  back,  as  some  others  are  ;  at  the  same  time  I 
regret  that  I  am  much  more  particular  about  these 
things,  than  at  times  I  could  wish  ;  for,  in  travel- 
ling over  the  country  from  Maine  to  Georgia,  and 
back  again  from  Georgia  to  Maine,  I  am  often 
obliged  to  accept  of  such  accommodations  as  are 
not  altogether  agreeable  to  my  artificial  relish.  I 
have  heard  an  elderly  gentleman  repeatedly  (owing 
I  suppose  to  the  importance  of  the  fact,)  relate  an 
adventure  of  his  which  is  never  to  be  forgotten 
and  the  lady  where  he  stopped  to  take  supper, 
never  to  be  forgiven,  because  his  tea  was  sweet- 
ened with  brown  sugar.     The  only  consolation  I 


104  MISERIES    OF   DISCRIMINATION. 

could  offer  him  was,  that,  in  all  probability,  the 
sugar  was  an  invisible  brown,  and  that  it  was  in- 
tended expressly  as  a  compliment  to  bis  cultivated 
taste. 

Every  thing  that  was  made  at  the  beginning, 
was  pronounced  good,  and  I  have  no  doubt  of  the 
justness  of  the  decision.  Every  thing  is  good 
when  in  its  proper  place  ;  but  sand  is  not  good  to 
put  int$  weak  eyes;  nor  am  I  willing  that  my 
anouth  should  be  defiled  with  tobaGco,  my  nose 
made  a  reservoir  for  snuff,  or  my  stomach  convert- 
ed into  a  storehouse  for  pepper.  As  soon  would 
J  permit  my  ears  to  be  filled  with  Jews'  harps,  be- 
cause they  make  a  pretty  sound  when  in  their 
proper  place. 

Pepper. — I  hate  pepper,  yet  I  expect  to  be  an- 
noyed with  it  as  long  as  I  live  in  this  world  ;  but 
I  hope  it  will  constitute  no  part  of  my  punishment 
in  the  world  to  come. 

Some  years  since,  while  journeying  through  the 
Western  part  of  the  State  of  New-York,  having 
been  thoroughly  stuffed  with  pepper  at  the  various 
taverns  where  I  chanced  to  take  my  meals,  until 
my  stomach  and  indignation  were  alike  inflamed, 
I  at  length  resolved  to  have  one  meal  uncontami- 
nated  with  pepper.  Accordingly,  at  my  usual  hour 
for  taking  breakfast,  I  stopped  at  a  public  house 
and  inquired  if  I  could  be  accommodated.     The 


MISERIES    OF    DISCRIMINATION.  105 

answer  was,  that  I  could.  I  need  not  describe  the 
smiles,  the  bows,  and  complacency  of  the  landlord  : 
they  were  all  very  appropriate.  Being  resolved 
that  pepper  should  form  no  part  of  this  meal,  I  re-* 
quested  of  the  host  a  piece  of  paper,  saying  that  I 
would  give  him  a  written  memorandum  of  what  I 
wanted,  and  how  I  wanted  it.  This  was  evidently 
the  first  time  that  he  had  ever  received  a  written 
requisition  for  a  meal  of  victuals — indeed,  it  was 
sufficiently  apparent  that  he  regarded  the  eccen- 
tricity on  my  part,  as  a  fit  occasion  for  some  witty 
and  sarcastic  remarks  on  his.  He  assured  me  in 
a  very  good  natured  manner,  that  it  was  making 
myself  unnecessary  trouble — that  he  could  do  the 
errand  without  so  much  ceremony — and  that  there 
should  be  no  mistake.  Nevertheless,  I  adhered  to 
my  resolution,  and  made  out  the  memorandum, 
which  ran  thus  : 

1  piece  of  beef-steak,  cut  thin, 

1  piece  of  ham,  also  cut  thin, 

2  eggs,  boiled  five  minutes, 
2  boiled  potatoes, 

A  cup  of  stnfcig  green  tea, 

And  no  pepper  on  any  thing. 

The  landlord  took  my  paper  and  went  laughing 

into  the  kitchen,  to  make  report  that  a  breakfast 

had  been  called  for  ;  and  this  was  the  last  I  saw 

of  him  or  any  one  else,  until  about  half  an  hour 


106         MISERIES    OF    DISCRIMINATION'. 

afterwards,  when  a  young  woman  opened  the  door 
and  informed  me  that  breakfast  was  ready;  This 
was  a  pleasant  report,  and  I  stepped  immediately 
into  the  dining-room,  when,  what  should  I  behold, 
but  that  every  article  of  food  that  had  been  prepa- 
red for  me,  was  thickly  covered  with  black  pepper  ! 
and  that,  too,  after  having  used  so  much  precau- 
tion to  avoid  it.  I  inquired  of  the  girl,  if  the  gen- 
tleman of  the  house  had  not  communicated  my 
wish  that  no  pepper  should  be  put  on  my  food; 
She  said,  No.  I  then  related  to  her  in  what  way 
I  had  given  directions^  and  at  the  same/ time  re* 
quested  that  the  dishes  might  be  removed,  and 
another  breakfast  prepared  ;  which,  after  another 
half  hour,  was  done. 

If  written  instructions  are  good  for  nothing,  what 
are  verbal  orders  good  for  1  "  If  you  want  your 
business  done,  send  ;  if  you  want  it  well  done,.  g.» 
and  do  it  yourself."  Or,  as  it  might  be  translated  :; 
If  you  wish  your  instructions  under $tood>  tell  them  ; 
if  you  wish  them  remembered,  give  them  in  writing; 
but  if  you  expect  them  adhered  to,  stand  by  and  see 
them  put  in  execution  yourself.  I  presume  the  land- 
lord tore  up  my  paper,  and  went  and  told  his  wife- 
that  a  traveller  wanted  breakfast  without  pepper  ; 
and  then  his  wife  called  to  the  cook,  and  told  that  de- 
puty of  deputies,  that  a  traveller  wanted  breakfast; 
and  so  the  cook,  like  a  good,  honest  fellow,  went 
and  put  on  all  the  pepper  they  had  in  the  house. 


Miseries  of  discrimination.       107 

Not  long  after  this  occurrence,  (which  happened 
at  Auburn,)  I  arrived  in  the  village  of  Buffalo,  (now 
a  city,)  and  took  lodgings  at  a  most  excellent  house, 
which  I  shall  long  remember,  not  only  by  reason  of 
their  good  coffee,  good  cakes,  and  good  beds,  but 
more  especially  for  their  butter,  which  must  have 
been  made  by  the  same  rule  that  is  observed  in  ma- 
king pound- cake,  and  which  requires  that  equal 
quantities  should  be  used— that  is  to  say,  a  pound  of 
salt  to  a  pound  of  butter. 

Here  I  again  found  myself  in  a  sad  dilemma  ;  for 
I  must  either  eat  my  meals  without  butter,  or  call 
for  a  saucer  of  cold  water  and  wash  the  salt  out  the 
best  way  I  could.  I  chose  the  latter  course.  No 
one  at  the  table  ever  saw  such  a  thing  before  ;  and 
all  eyes  were  gazing,  and  all  heads  wondering,  to 
know  the  object.  This  public  criticism  I  did  not 
like,  but  it  was  the  least  of  two  evils.  Here  the 
"  miseries  of  discrimination"  seemed  to  choose  me 
for  their  victim  ;  and  I  could  not  but  envy  the  hap- 
piness  of  those  who  could  with  like  satisfaction  par- 
take of  a  lump  of  salted  butter  and  a  lump  of  but- 
tered salt.  I  shall  remember  the  house  from  ano- 
ther more  tailing  circumstance  also=  While  in  my 
room,  I  spoke  to  one  of  the  servants  whom  I  saw 
passing  my  door  in  the  hall,  and  requested  him  to 
bring  in  half  a  wine  glass  of  milk.  In  less  than 
half  a  minute,  I  heard  him  bawl  out  to  some  of  his 


108  MISERIES    OF    DISCRIMINATION. 

comrades  to  bring  up  some  milk  to  No.  9.  True 
enough,  I  was  served  in  due  time  with  a  bowl  of 
milk,  a  plate  of  bread,  and  a  plate  of  cheese.  I 
used  as  much  of  the  milk  as  I  wanted,  which  was 
just  enough  to  rub  over  my  chin,  after  shaving,  and 
left  the  residue  of  the  bread,  and  milk,  and  cheese, 
on  the  table,  where  it  remains,  for  aught  I  know,  till 
this  day.  This  piece  of  heedless  stupidity  on  the 
part  of  the  servant,  excited  my  wrath  a  little  ;  for 
I  must  either  have  submitted  to  an  extra  charge  of 
twenty-five  cents  for  a  bowl  of  bread  and  milk,  and 
cheese,  or  have  gone  to  the  bar-keeper  to  show 
cause  why  the  item  should  be  erased  from  my  bill. 
The  ostler,  too,  ambitious  to  shine  in  the  ranks  of 
stupidity,  by  his  left-handed,  blind-folded,  upside- 
down,  wrong-end-first  performance  of  my  direction, 
came  within  a  hair's  breadth  of  killing  my  horse. 
I  told  him  twice  over,  with  an  air  and  an  emphasis 
that  I  thought  would  reach  his  brains,  at  the  same 
time  pointing  my  fore  finger  towards  him  and  mov- 
ing it  up  and  down  just  as  an  orator  would  do  on  the 
floor  of  congress,  to  give  my  horse  six  quarts  of  oats 
and  four  potatoes.  In  the  course  of  the  forenoon 
I  was  informed  that  my  horse  was  much  bloated  and 
apparently  in  great  distress.  All  hands,  a  farrier 
in  the  bargain,  were  soon  set  at  work  to  relieve 
him  ;  who,  with  more  of  good  luck  than  of  science 
or  of  good  sense,  succeeded  in  removing  his  com- 


MISERIES    OF    DISCRIMINATION.  109 

plaint  and  preserving  his  life — one  assigning  this 
thing  and  another  that,  as  the  cause  of  his  illness. 

For  my  own  part,  I  was  so  well  pleased  with  the 
cure,  that  I  gave  myself  no  farther  concern  about 
the  origin  of  the  disease,  but  forthwith  made  pre- 
paration to  proceed  on  my  journey.  I  called  for 
my  bill,  when,  to  my  surprise,  the  mystery  was 
wholly  revealed,  for  among  other  things,  instead 
of  six  quarts  of  oats  and  four  potatoes,  I  was  charged 
with  four  quarts  of  oats  and  six  quarts  of  potatoes 

The  difference  between  four  potatoes  and  six 
quarts  of  potatoes,  is  enough  to  kill  any  horse.  Even 
the  thick  pated  bull  that  administered  them,  might 
have  suffered  a  slight  colic  from  the  dose. 

Again  I  say,  if  you  wish  your  instructions  under- 
stood, tell  them  ;  if  you  wish  them  remembered,  put 
them  down  in  writing;  but  if  you  expect  them  ad- 
hered to,  stand  by  and  see  them  put  in  execution 
yourself. 

However,  in  these,  as  in  all  other  similar  cases, 
I  congratulated  myself  that  there  were  no  broken 
bones  to  be  mended.  Such  occurrences  are  trifles, 
compared  with  mutilated  and  fractured  limbs,  or  a 
dislocated  shoulder,  from  which  more  serious  ca- 
lamities I  have  as  yet  wholly  escaped. 


10 


110  MISERIES   OF   DISCRIMINATION. 


A  HARD  NIGHT'S  LODGING. 

I  have  lodged  in  a  house  which  I  cannot  forget, 
My  masculine  sleep-mate  being  tipsy  and  wet ; 
Such  snoring,  too,  old  Niagara  might  wonder, 
'T  was  more  than  a  match  for  genuine  thunder. 
The  talk  of  his  sleep,  and  his  restless  rough  heels, 
Told  he  was  dreaming  of  bobbing  for  eels ; 
Bed-bugs,  besides,  counting  four  to  the  pound, 
Performing,  as  usual,  their  nocturnal  round. 

To  a  traveller  who  is  fond  of  good  victuals,  and 
prizes  the  exclusive  occupation  of  a  lodging-room, 
it  is  a  thorough  trial  of  patience  to  be  placed  on 
short  and  coarse  allowance  at  the  table,  and  then  to 
be  conducted  to  a  chamber  having  two  beds  in  it. 

Not  long  since,  I  had  occasion  to  visit  a  town  of 
******,  where,  to  complete  my  business,  would  oc- 
cupy two  or  three  weeks  ;  and  as  my  errand  was 
one  that  did  not  promise  much  profit,  I  was  induced 
from  motives  of  economy,  to  look  up  a  private 
boarding-house.  After  considerable  search,  I  found 
one,  rang  the  bell,  which  call  was  attended  to  by 
rather  a  genteel  looking  young  lady,  who  showed 
me  up  stairs  to  the  sitting-room,  which  was  fur- 
nished with  a  carpet,  sofa,  piano,  and  other  tokens 
of  accomplishments  and  comforts.  I  made  known 
the  object  of  my  call,  and  expressed  my  choice  for 
a  single  room.  The  lady  of  the  house,  (a  widow 
lady,)  a  good-looking  personage,  of  rather  a  juicy 
countenance,  whose  attention  to  the  cut  and  fashion 


MISERIES   OF    DISCRIMINATION.         Ill 

of  her  dress,  as  well  as  to  the  adjustment  of  a  due 
and  becoming  set  of  artificial  curls,  evidently  showed 
that  she  was  in  the  market  again,  told  me,  with  all 
the  apparent  regret  that  politeness  required,  (but  no 
more,)  that  she  could  not  give  me  a  single  room  ex- 
actly ;  but  that,  if  I  would  consent  to  the  arrange- 
ment, she  had  one  room  partly  occupied  by  a  very 
quiet  and  agreeable  gentleman  with  whose  company 
she  had  no  doubt  I  would  be  much  pleased.  This 
was  said  with  such  a  good  grace,  the  words  flowing 
as  they  did  from  so  juicy  a  face,  and  under  the  love- 
inspiring  patronage  too  of  the  skilful  array  of  arti- 
ficial curls,  that  I  was  induced,  in  forgetfulness  of 
the  lessons  which  past  experience  had  taught  me, 
to  consent  to  lodge  in  the  same  room  where  this 
agreeable  gentleman  with  whose  company  I  was  to 
be  so  much  delighted,  had  heretofore  been  sole  oc- 
cupant. I  soon,  however,  discovered  abundant  cause 
to  repent  of  my  bargain  ;  for  when  the  hour  of  bed- 
time arrived,  upon  entering  the  room  that  had  been 
assigned  me — shocking  to  my  nerves — I  beheld  but 
one  bed  in  the  room,  and  that  was  but  little  wider 
than  I  should  have  thought  necessary  for  my  own 
exclusive  accommodation.  This  was  an  accumu- 
lation of  terror  that  had  not  before  entered  my  mind. 
The  bare  idea  of  sleeping  in  the  same  room  with  any 
thing  in  the  shape  of  a  man,  and  that  man  a  stranger, 
too,  was  to  me  as  much  miserv  as  I  could  well  con- 


112         MISERIES  OF  DISCRIMINATION. 

ceal  ;  but  to  sleep  in  the  same  narrow  bed  with  a 
masculine  bed-fellow,  was  more  than  a  match  for 
my  courage  ;  and  my  first  thought  was,  to  hasten 
to  a  public  house  and  procure  accommodations  more 
to  my  liking.  But  it  was  a  dark,  rainy  night,  and 
my  baggage  was  bulky  and  heavy,  and  so  many  ob- 
stacles presented  themselves  in  the  way  of  such  a 
scheme,  that,  upon  second  thought,  I  gave  it  up  as 
impracticable  ;  and,  mustering  all  the  philosophy 
and  fortitude  that  I  was  master  of,  I  undressed  and 
crept  into  bed,  to  wait  the  arrival  of  the  agreeable 
gentleman.  After  I  had  been  in  bed  about  an  hour, 
I  heard  some  one  come  stamping  up  stairs,  and,  as 
I  anticipated,  it  was  my  room-mate.  As  he  had  not 
been  informed  of  the  arrangement,  he  appeared, 
upon  entering  the  room,  to  be  a  little  surprised,  al- 
though nothing  frightened  and  nothing  displeased. 
He  made  his  inaugural  speech  as  was  to  be  expect- 
ed: "Avery  rainy  night,  friend."  "Yes,  sir, " 
I  replied,  "it  has  rained,  I  believe,  a  great  deal.' 9 
I  shuddered  as  he  added :  "I  have  been  out  in  the 
whole  of  it,  and  have  got  wet  through  to  the  skin, 
from  head  to  foot,  and  am  as  cold  as  a  dead  lamb's 
mouth,  as  the  saying  is."  Of  the  truth  of  his  asser- 
tions, I  soon  had  proof  to  a  demonstration  ;  for  as 
he  got  into  bed,  the  temperature  of  the  air,  bed,  and 
bedding  by  which  I  was  enveloped,  fell  to  the  frosty 
depth  of  zero.     He  was  evidently  a  man  who  knew 


MISERIES    OF    DISCRIMINATION.         113 

just  enough  of  the  world  to  suppose  that,  because  all 
men  are  born  equal,  (or  equally  born,)  they  also 
move  through  life  upon  one  common  level  ;  and 
hence,  he  felt  none  of  that  caution  or  timidity  that 
would  have  rendered  close  contact  with  a  stranger 
in  a  narrow  bed,  disagreeable.  I  was  confirmed  in 
this  estimate  of  the  character  of  my  free  and  easy 
bed-fellow,  from  the  proposition  he  at  once  made, 
to  sleep  spoon-fashion.  He  did  not  wait  for  my  as- 
sent or  dissent  to  the  plan,  but  forthwith  placed  him- 
self in  his  favorite  position.  When  I  was  a  lad,  it 
was  among  my  childish  sports  to  take  a  piece  of 
leather  a  little  larger  than  a  dollar,  run  a  string 
through  the  middle  of  it,  wet  it,  press  it  with  my 
hand  hard  upon  the  table-drawer,  and  then  pull.  It 
would  often  stick  so  fast  as  to  pull  the  drawer  out. 
When  my  wet  bed-fellow  came  in  spoon-fashion 
contact,  I  was  reminded  of  the  adhesive  qualities 
of  the  wet  leather.  I  fancied  myself  to  be  the  ta- 
ble-drawer, and  that  my  comrade  was  tiying  phi- 
losophical experiments,  connected  with  the  prin- 
ciples of  attraction  and  repulsion,  adhesion  and 
cohesion.  There  was,  however,  no  retreating. 
There  was  no  alternative,  but  to  fortify  myself  for 
the  battle,  and  to  make  the  best  of  a  bad  case.  It 
will  be  easy  to  conjecture  how  little  I  slept  during 
the  night,  especially  when  it  is  understood  that  my 
bed-fellow,  as  soon  as  he  fell  asleep,  which  was  in 
10* 


114    MISERIES  OF  DISCRIMINATION. 

about  fifteen  minutes,  commenced  a  heavy  whole- 
sale business  in  the  way  of  snoring.  I  had  heard 
snoring  before  ;  but  all  previous  examples  had  been 
mere  specimens  taken  from  the  sample  end.  That 
with  which  I  was  now  favored,  was  of  the  foun- 
tain-head, the  royal  arch  degree,  produced  by  the 
genuine  locomotive  principle. 

I  rose  early  in  the  morning,  that  I  might  have 
time  to  dress  and  leave  the  room  before  my  sleep- 
mate  should  wake  ;  and  it  is  well  that  I  did  so,  for 
on  taking  a  survey  of  the  apartment,  I  found  that 
there  was  but  one  looking-glass,  one  towel,  one 
wash-bowl,  and  a  small  pitcher  about  half  full  of 
water — hard  well- water,  and  no  soap.  After  hav- 
ing dressed  and  shaved,  I  walked  out  to  take  the 
fresh  air  and  to  be  alone.  After  rambling  about 
the  town  nearly  two  hours,  I  returned  and  'found 
breakfast  waiting.  For  this  repast,  we  had  some- 
thin"-  that  was  called  coffee,  (of  which  I  made  out 
to  force  down  part  of  one  cup,)  bread  and  butter, 
and  hash.  In  most  private  boarding-houses,  the 
lady  who  superintends,  sits  down  at  one  end  of  the 
table,  turns  out  tea  or  coffee,  and  puts  in  as  much 
or  as  little  sugar  and  milk  as  she  can  afford  ;  which, 
most  unluckily,  I  never  yet  found  to  be  to  my 
liking.  I  detest  private  boarding-houses  on  that 
account.  I  choose  to  dress  my  own  tea  and  cof- 
fee myself;  and   no  boarding-house   can,  in   my 


MISERIES    OF    DISCRIMINATION.  H5 

opinion,  be  unexceptionably  a  good  one,  where  su- 
gar-bowls and  milk-cups  are  not  scattered  about 
the  table  within  reach  of  every  one  who  sits  at  it. 
When  I  shall  have  lost  the  use  of  my  hands  or 
head,  I  will  try  to  reconcile  myself  to  that  ofn- 
ciousness  which  has  ever  proved  such  a  source  of 
dissatisfaction  to  me.  In  the  present  instance,  I 
was  almost  tempted  to  break  over  the  rules  of  de- 
corum, and  reach  across  the  table  and  take  the 
milk-cup  from  the  tea-server  that  stood  before  the 
lady,  and  help  myself.  In  the  first  place,  about 
six  drops  of  milk  were  put  in  my  cup  of  sham  cof- 
fee, upon  which  I  acquainted  the  lady  that  I  liked 
a  good  deal  of  milk  in  my  coffee,  and  would  thank 
her  for  some  more.  Then  about  four  drops  more 
were  added,  which  did  as  much  towards  improving 
it,  as  four  drops  of  molasses  would  do  towards 
sweetening  the  Atlantic.  I  left  the  house  before 
another  meal  came  round,  and  I  thank  fortune  for 
my  escape. 

TOO  MUCH  PORK  FOR  THE  PRICE. 

I  am  now  at  a  good  public  house  in  Augusta, 
(Maine,)  where  I  have  a  room  to  myself,  the  best 
of  coffee,  and  milk  and  sugar  in  abundance,  within 
reach,  and  with  unasked-for  permission  to  use  as 
much  or  as  little  as  I  choose.     But  even  here,  in 


116  MISERIES    OF    DISCRIMINATION. 

this  good  house,  at  the  seat  of  government,  within 
twenty  rods  of  the  capitol,  I  am  annoyed  by  the 
intrusion  of  clowns.  To-day,  at  the  dinner-table, 
a  gentleman,  by  favor,  (as  kissing  goes,)  who  sat 
next  to  me,  wiped  his  mouth  upon  the  clean  table- 
cloth— a  most  hoggish  trick.  Another  could  think 
of  no  better  way  of  betraying  his  ill  breeding,  than 
by  spitting  on  the  floor,  twice  at  least,  as  he  ap- 
proached the  table.  A  third  must  degrade  himself 
and  annoy  me  by  picking  his  teeth  with  his  pen- 
knife. Perhaps  he  was  a  captain  or  a  colonel,  and 
wished  to  show  his  bravery.  A  fourth,  as  if  to 
show  that  he  was  not  bashful  nor  intimidated  by 
the  presence  of  ladies  or  gentlemen,  (for  there  were 
several  seated  at  the  table,  who  behaved  themselves 
as  such,)  could  invent  no  better  method  for  making 
himself  most  ridiculously  conspicuous,  than  to  en- 
ter the  dining  room  puffing  and  blowing  like  a 
wholesale  vendor  of  equinoctial  gales.  I  promised 
myself  that  when  this  unmannerly  porpoise  had 
filled  his  mouth  with  bread,  and  butter,  and  beef- 
steak, hostilities  would  cease  ;  but  no,  the  moment 
the  mouth  of  this  alligator  was  stopped,  he  com- 
menced a  snuffing  with  his  nose,  that  would  have 
disgusted  a  savage. 

How  frequently  do  I  witness  this  horrible  out- 
rage upon  decency  !  But,  filthy  and  disgraceful 
as  the  practice  is,  I  am  often  doomed  to  endure  the 


MISERIES  OF  DISCRIMINATION.    117 

formidable  eloquence  of  that  infirmity  called  a  nose. 
Females,  too,  are  not  without  their  share  in  this 
odium.  As  a  masculine  vice,  it  is  bad  enough  ; 
but  when  taken  up  by  the  ladies,  where  and  when 
will  reformation  begin  ? 

AUSPICIOUS    TIMES. 

Yesterday  I  dined  with  the  Governor,  and  to- 
day he  dined  with  me.  Pray,  where  is  the  harm 
in  telling  of  it  ?  With  one  unaccustomed  to  share 
in  such  honors,  it  is  a  pardonable  vanity  that  cir- 
culates the  story  of  his  own  good  fortune.  True, 
I  did  not  dine  with  his  excellency  upon  invitation, 
nor  did  he  dine  with  me  by  request  ;  but  we  acci- 
dentally stopped  at  the  same  public  house,  and  yes- 
terday he  sat  opposite  to  me  at  the  dinner-table, 
and  to-day  I  sat  opposite  to  him  ;  and  so  it  was 
that  I  came  to  the  flattering  distinction.  By  the 
way,  he  is  a  fine  looking  man — a  most  majestic 
looking  man,  and,  if  I  may  judge  from  all  appear- 
ances, a  total  abstinence  man.  I  like  him  for  that. 
Moreover,  he  is  dignified  and  genteel  in  his  deport- 
ment— no  coarse,  vulgar,  and  clownish  tricks  about 
him — a  model  for  morals  and  manners.  Such  is 
the  Governor  of  the  State  of  Maine,  with  whom  I 
had  the  honor  to  dine  one  day  ;  and  who,  in  turn, 
had  the  honor  to  dine  with  me  on  the  next,  as  I 
have  before  stated, 


118   WAYLAID  BY  A  PAIR  OF    WHISKERS. 


WAYLAID  BY  A  PAIR  OF  WHISKERS. 
THREATENED  BY  A  TOOTH-PICK. 

Started  from  Gardiner  on  the  morning  of  Oct. 
10,  1835,  on  board  the  boat  M'Donough.  Fare- 
well now,  I  fear,  to  good  coffee  and  biscuit,  for  I 
seldom  meet  with  as  good  as  that  upon  which  I 
feasted  at  Augusta,  Hallowell,  and  Gardiner.  I 
would  travel  farther  to  get  a  cup  of  coffee  at  Ste- 
ven's hotel  in  Augusta,  (Maine,)  than  I  would  to 
see  twenty  such  nuisances  as  I  consider  a  balloon 
ascension  to  be.  There  are  a  great  many  reasons 
why  those  who  travel  for  pleasure,  should  direct 
their  course  through  the  State  of  Maine.  Their 
first  rate  public  houses,  their  splendid  rivers,  pleas- 
ant vales,  and  towering  hills,  and  their  thousand 
and  one  saw-mills,  all  united,  rival  the  claims  of 
Niagara — of  the  Empire  State  itself.  I  predict 
that,  from  Boston  to  Eastport,  will  soon  become 
the  favdrite  and  fashionable  tour  with  those  who 
travel  for  pleasure,  to  see  and  to  be  seen. 

I  am  now  under  way  for  Bath,  and  I  have  no- 
thing to  do  but  to  look  at  the  passengers  and  take 
an  account  of  stock.  I  notice  one  article  in  the 
crowd,  that  puzzles  me  to  determine  by  what  rule 
I  shall  estimate  his  value,  whether  by  the  pound, 
yard,  or  cubic  dimensions.     Upon  second  thought, 


WAYLAID   BY  A  PAIR  OF  WHISKERS.    119 

however,  I  believe  I  shall  adopt  the  use  of  superfi- 
cial measurement,  as  being  the  best  adapted  to  his 
foppish  airs.  If  I  may  judge  from  the  size  of  his 
whiskers,  he  is  an  upholster,  and  incumbers  him- 
self with  this  patent  crow's  nest  by  way  of  pub- 
lishing his  occupation  and  his  wares,  that  all  may 
be  duly  informed  that  he  keeps  constantly  on  hand 
the  best  of  hair  matrasses  made  of  domestic  growth. 
Perhaps,  however,  he  is  a  dealer  in  Macassar  oil, 
and  wishes  to  give  public  demonstration  of  its 
merits  ;  but  why  he  should  promenade  the  deck 
an  hour  upon  the  stretch,  with  a  goose-quill  tooth- 
pick three  inches  long,  dangling  between  his  teeth, 
is  more  than  I  know.  It  is  by  this  that  he  renders 
himself,  in  my  estimation,  no  less  disgusting  than 
conspicuous. 

Rings  in  a  lady's  ears,  or  plumes  in  her  bonnet, 
are  well  enough  ;  but  a  tooth-pick  from  an  old  gan- 
der's wing,  hanging  at  a  man's  mouth,  is  far  from 
being  ornamental.  There  are  many  vain  young 
men,  and  old  men,  too,  who  are  much  more  talka- 
tive than  thoughtful,  and  who,  instead  of  display- 
ing an  ugly  tooth-pick  between  their  lips,  had 
much  better  use  a  buckle  that  would  effectually 
keep  their  mouths  shut.  I  had  much  rather  look 
at  a  man  who  is  apparently  thinking  without 
speaking,  than  to  be  annoyed  by  the  senseless  prat- 
tle of  a  young  fop  who  uses  his  tongue  without  the 
benefit  of  brains. 


120  ENCOUNTER   WITH    A   MOUSE. 


ENCOUNTER  WITH  A  MOUSE. 

After  about  four  hours'  sail,  I  was  landed  in 
Bath,  another  flourishing  town  on  the  bank  of  the 
Kennebeck.  Took  lodgings  at  Beal's  hotel,  a  de- 
cent sort  of  a  house,  kept  by  decent  sort  of  folks. 
There  are  some  things,  however,  about  the  con- 
struction of  this  house,  that  are  very  objectionable. 
Many  of  the  partitions  that  separate  one  room 
from  another,  are  of  thin  pine  boares,  and  those  so 
badly  shrunk,  that,  when  in  my  apartment,  unless 
I  had  been  very  cautious,  my  eyes  would  have 
trespassed  upon  the  retired  privileges  of  adjoining 
female  occupants,  and  who  appeared  to  be  wholly 
indifferent  to  their  exposed  situation.  I  could  not 
blame  my  ears  for  hearing  all  that  was  said  and 
done.  I  could  control  my  eyes,  but  my  ears  would 
have  their  own  way.  There  are  many  things 
which,  in  conversation,  are  harmless,  nay,  even 
interesting  to  the  parties  who  reciprocate  in  them, 
but  which  sound  ridiculously  enough  to  one  whom 
circumstances  beyond  his  control,  have  destined 
to  overhear.  I  extinguished  my  light  at  an  early 
hour,  and  retired  to  bed  ;  but  these  three  happy 
females  who  lodged  on  the  other  side  of  the  leaky, 
treacherous  partition,  kept  their  tongues  in  motion 
for  nearly  an  hour  afterward.     However,  they  at 


ENCOUNTER   WITH    A    MOUSE.  121 

length  fell  asleep — at  least,  they  stopped  talking. 
Now,  said  I  to  myself,  I  shall  stand  a  chance  to 
have  a  little  undisturbed  repose ;  but  I  had  no 
sooner  put  myself  in  a  slumbering  attitude,  my 
mouth  shut  just  as  it  should  be,  and  my  nose  put 
in  a  proper  trim  for  breathing  freely,  than  my  ears 
were  saluted  with  the  nibbling  noise  of  a  mouse, 
which  I  soon  discovered  to  be  in  my  room.  I  was 
a  traveller,  and  a  stranger  in  the  house ;  but  this 
mouse  had  been  born  and  brought  up  in  it,  and  he 
could  find  his  way  about  the  room  in  the  dark,  as 
well  as  1  could  by  daylight.  My  trunk,  in  which 
were  some  books  lately  bound,  was  standing  open  ; 
and  not  knowing  what  the  literary  propensities  of 
my  room-mate  might  be,  I  became  a  good  deal  un- 
easy lest  he  should  criticise  them  in  a  manner  that 
should  prove  in  no  degree  beneficial  to  them  or  to 
me.  I  had  a  great  deal  of  baggage  with  me,  and 
among  it  many  articles  such  as  this  mouse  had 
probably  never  seen  before  ;  hence,  he  made  him- 
self very  busy  for  about  two  hours,  in  the  exami- 
nation of  them,  with  just  noise  enough  to  keep  me 
awake.  He  liked  the  books  so  well,  particularly 
the  Book-Keeping,  (Preston's  Treatise  on  Book- 
Keeping,)  that  he  could  not  suppress  an  inclination 
for  scraping  an  acquaintance  with  its  author. 
Having,  as  I  suppose,  this  object  in  view,  he  took 
the  liberty  to  crawl  upon  and  about  the  bed,  which 
11 


122  ENCOUNTER    WITH    A    MOUSE. 

contributed  nothing  toward  a  reconciliation,  on  my 
part,  to  the  existing  partnership.  However,  as 
there  was  no  help  for  the  matter,  I  concluded  that 
if  he  would  let  me  so  far  alone  as  not  to  meddle 
with  my  ears,  nor  make  any  demands  upon  my 
face,  I  would  let  him  alone  and  not  provoke  hos- 
tilities till  daylight  should  appear.  Having  come 
to  this  conclusion,  I  wrapped  the  bed-clothes  close 
up  under  my  chin,  drew  a  long  breath  of  resigna- 
tion, and  went  to  sleep.  So,  during  the  remainder 
of  the  night,  the  mouse  was  the  acfo'ue-partner,, 
(having  reference  to  the  Book-Keeping  for  his 
guide,)  and  I  was  literally  the  silent  or  sleeping 
partner.  I  arose  early  in  the  morning,  and  began 
to  look  about  for  my  partner  ;  but  he  had  retired 
from  business.  I  looked  under  the  bed,  between 
the  beds,  and  in  my  trunk  among  the  Book-Keeping 
and  Interest-Tables,  thinking,  perhaps,  he  might 
be  engaged  in  taking  a  trial-balance ;  but  saw  no 
traces  of  his  lordship.  At  last  the  thought  occur- 
red to  me,  that  perhaps  he  might  be  employed  in 
taking  an  inventory  of  the  contents  of  my  carpet- 
bag ;  and  upon  opening  it,  surely  enough,  there  he 
was,  making  out  a  bill  of  my  soiled  shirts  and  stock- 
ings for  the  washer- woman.  I  now  resolved  to 
come  to  a  final  settlement  of  the  concern,  and  to 
dissolve  the  co-partnership.  Accordingly,  waiving 
notice  and  grace,  I  shut  the  door,  took  my  cane, 


ENCOUNTER*  WITH    A    MOUSE.  123 

and  went  at  him,  hammer  and  tongs  ;  but,  with  all 
the  hiding-places  there  were  in  the  room,  of  which 
he  could  avail  himself,  it  was  nearly  half  an  hour 
before  I  could  get  a  blow  at  him  that  should  seal 
upon  him  a  voucher  of  maturity.  At  length,  how- 
ever, I  cornered  him  and  gave  him  a  receipt  in  full, 
that  laid  him  sprawling  in  the  helpless  attitude  of 
insolvency,  took  him  by  the  tail  and  endorsed  him 
over  as  a  legal  tender  to  the  landlord's  cat. 

After  all,  I  lament  the  fate  of  this  mouse.  Why 
is  it  that  this  timid  little  creature  had  not  as  good 
a  right  to  disturb  me  during  the  night,  as  I  had  to 
keep  him  in  trembling  awe  during  the  day.  Must 
he  be  debarred  the  use  of  the  dark  remnants  of  time 
which  those  whose  enmity  he  dreads,  consign  to 
waste  ?  I  would  that  I  had  a  territory  where  I 
could  colonize  every  mouse,  mosquito,  and  bed-bug 
that  infests  the  land  ;  for  amalgamation  is  out  of 
the  question.  A  thousand  times  has  the  inquiry 
presented  itself  to  my  mind  :  Why  has  the  inscru- 
table wisdom  of  Deity  so  constituted  the  animal 
creation,  as  to  make  them  enemies  to  each  other's 
peace — giving  occasion  for  a  standing  declaration 
of  war  1  But  it  is  a  power,  a  design,  that  the  hu- 
man intellect  cannot  grasp,  that  has  published  the 
decree  ;  and  we,  as  in  duty  bound,  must  call  it 
just. 


124  SWEETMEATS    AND    FLIES. 

SWEETMEATS  AND  FLIES. 

Now  for  Portland,  with  my  face  toward  home. 
Upon  my  arrival  at  Portland,  I  took  lodgings  at  a 
private  boarding-house.  Here,  a  good  room,  good 
closets,  and  a  good  bed  were  all  exclusively  at  my 
service.  The  lady  of  the  house  is  as  fat  as  butter, 
1  wish  I  had  her  weight  in  gold,  not  merely  with 
reference  to  my  own  wants,  but  I  wish  it  in  bene- 
volence to.  the  poor,  for  I  should  then  have  enough 
and  to  spare.  There  are  some  things  about  this 
house  that  I  like,  but  then  there  are  other  things 
that  I  do  not  like.  It  is  no  source  of  enjoyment, 
especially  in  fly-time,  that  the  dining-room  win- 
dow should  open  in  close  contact  with  the  stable 
where  the  cow  stands.  True,  when  the  milk-cup 
fails,  it  can  be  replenished  at  a  minute's  warning, 
smoking  fresh  from  the  fountain-head  ;  but,  after 
all,  this  visible,  sensible  contiguity  of  places  and  com- 
modities, whose  names  are  never  to  be  spoken  at 
one  time,  particularly  at  meal-time,  associates  with 
it  more  of  the  idea  of  consanguinity  than  a  delicate 
stomach  would  be  likely  to  relish.  Then  such  a 
countless  swarm  of  flies,  and  as  thrifty,  too,  as 
they  are  numerous  ;  and  why  should  they  not 
thrive,  being  privileged  to  occupy  the  stable  one- 
half  the  time,  and  to  feast  upon  pies,  cakes,  and 


SNEEZING    BY    THE    JOB.  125 

sweetmeats  in  the  dining  room,  the  other  half? 
While  I  think  of  it,  I  wish  every  fly  was  a  five 
cent  piece  ;  for  if  I  should  get  the  lump  of  gold 
before  mentioned,  I  should  want  some  small  change 
to  put  with  it. 

SNEEZING  BY  THE  JOB. 

The  house  furnishes  some  other  keepsakes  by 
which  it  will  hereafter  occasionally  be  brought  to 
my  mind.  One  of  the  boarders  betrays  a  wonder- 
ful propensity  for  sneezing  ;  indeed,  I  must  call  it 
an  infirmity,  for  one  would  suppose,  by  his  frequent 
exhibitions  in  that  way,  that  it  was  his  occupa- 
tion, that  he  was  professor  of  the  science  of  snee- 
zing, and  that  he  obtained  his  living  by  the  busi- 
ness. Being  of  an  industrious  turn  of  mind,  when 
he  is  not  occupied  in  sneezing,  he  devotes  his  time 
to  grunting.  The  latter  appears  to  be  his  favorite 
employment  at  the  table  ;  for  every  sip  of  tea  is 
succeeded  by  a  sudden  rush  or  gust  of  respiration 
from  his  lungs,  which,  if  not  an  entire,  full-grown 
grunt,  amounts  to  a  pretty  fair  substitute  for  that 
swinish  accomplishment.  Whether  it  was  his 
method  of  returning  thanks,  or  whether  it  was  a 
token  of  pain,  I  did  not  ask. 

Here,  too,  as  I  witness  in  many  other  places, 
one  of  the  boarders  (one,  too,  that  thought  himself 
11* 


126  THE    WAY    TO    KEEP    COOL. 

genteel,)  committed   the   nuisance  of  wiping  his? 
mouth  on  the  table-cloth. 

GENUINE  INDEPENDENCE,  OR  THE 
WAY  TO  KEEP  COOL. 

I  noticed  in  the  morning,  (Sunday  morning,) 
that  three  or  four  of  the  young  men  came  from 
their  chambers  to  the  breakfast. table,  without  their 
cravats  ;  one  of  them,  indeed,  in  his  shirt-sleeves, 
having  on  neither  cravat,  waistcoat,  or  coat,  pre- 
senting himself  much  in  the  same  trim  in  which 
sleep  left  him,  promiscuous  mass  of  the  raw  mate- 
rial. My  curiosity  did  not  lead  me  to  a  very  criti- 
cal inspection  of  this  genuine  republican,  lest  I 
should  discover  that  in  his  hurry  to  get  his  pro- 
vender, he  had  also  forgotten  his  pantaloons. 

The  fair  side  of  the  story  respecting  this  house, 
is,  that  the  sugar-bowl  and  milk-cup  (and  cow,  too, 
in  factj  are  within  reach  ;  and  it  is  my  estimable 
privilege  to  prepare  my  own  tea  and  coffee  in  the 
way  that  I  like  best.  Besides  the  venomous  arti- 
cle of  pepper  is  not  so  fatally  prescribed  here  as 
in  most  other  houses  ;  more  gentle  remedies  are 
substituted  in  its  place,  which,  if  they  do  not  cure, 
do  not  kill. 


FANNY   KEMBLIT  OBSCURED.  127 


FANNY  KEMBLE  OBSCURED. 

Oct.  20. — Stopped  at  a  tavern  between  Portland 
and  Boston,  which  is  as  good  a  house  as  the  place 
where  it  is  located  will  support.  The  room  to 
which  I  was  shown  as  my  lodging  apartment,  was 
large  enough  and  had  carpet  enough,  bed  and  bed- 
ding enough,  looking-glass,  wash-bowl,  pitcher, 
towel,  and  soap  enough.  Indeed,  so  far  as  the 
article  of  crockery-wure  was  concerned,  every 
contingent  want  appeared  to  have  been  anticipa- 
ted and  abundantly  provided  for.  Here  I  had -no 
occasion  to  complain  of  an  avaricious  display  of 
dwarfish  chamber-utensils,  such  as  only  degrade 
the  calling  (however  humble)  that  is  usually  as- 
signed them.  On  the  contrary,  every  piece  of 
service  was  of  the  most  praiseworthy  dimensions, 
and  could  be  found  without  the  aid  of  magnifying 
glasses,  light  or  no  light. 

Let  the  tales  of  Brooks,  which  reach  us  from  a 
foreign  land,  have  their  admirers  ;  let  the  fame  of 
Fanny  Kemble  ring  from  Florida  to  Maine  ;  let  the 
ponderous  attractions  of  Tarn  O'Shanter  delight 
the  idle  crowd  ;  and  those  who  will,  may  worship 
at  the  feet  of  Celeste  ;  but  it  is  my  pleasure  to  re- 
cord the  excellencies  of  this  rare  and  most  liberal 
appropriation  of  bed-room  crockery. 


128       COPY    RIGHT    OF    FEMALE    MERIT. 

I  have  spoken  well  of  my  room,  but  it  is  not 
quite  in  the  trim  that  I  would  have  it.  The  paper 
has  got  loose  from  the  wall,  and  is  hanging  down 
in  patches  in  many  places,  which  shows  that  the 
housekeeper  is  deficient  in  either  sense  or  indus- 
try, or  both.  Three  cents  worth  of  common  in- 
genuity, two  cents'  worth  of  industry,  and  one 
cents'  worth  of  paste,  would  put  the  whole  de- 
rangement in  good  repair  again  ;  and  should  I  re- 
main here  one  day  longer,  I  am  resolved  to  do  the 
job  myself,  for  I  would  not  be  annoyed  twenty-four 
hours  with  such  a  poverty-stricken  emblem  of  ru- 
ins; for  ten  times  the  cost  of  restoring  it  to  good 
order. 

COPY-RIGHT  OF  FEMALE  MERIT. 

I  have  once  before  intimated  that  were  I  a  young 
man  in  search  of  a  wife,  I  would  make  my  selec- 
tion from  that  family  where  the  apartment  of  fash- 
ionable resort  (and  which  never  stands  in  front  of 
the  dwelling,)  furnished  most  satisfactory  tes- 
timonials of  becoming  cleanliness  ;  but  to  shun  all 
intimacy  with  those  where  this  certificate  and 
copy-right  of  female  merit  should  be  wanting. 
Should  others  be  governed  in  their  choice  by  the 
same  rule,  I  fear  that  the  young  ladies  of  this  house 
will  go  unmarried  a  good  while,  at  least  till  a  re- 
formation takes  place. 


COPY-RIGHT    OF    FEMALE    MERIT.        129 

Upon  making  complaint  to  the  landlord  that  I 
found  no  scraper  at  his  door,  in  less  than  fifteen 
minutes  I  discovered  that  one  had  been  placed  just 
where  it  should  be.  It  is  all  the  distinction  and 
all  the  fame  that  I  ask  in  this  world,  to  have  it 
remembered,  and  to  have  it  repeated  to  rising  ge- 
nerations, that  it  was  a  part  of  my  secular  creed, 
to  scrape  the  dirt  from  my  shoes,  before  entering 
my  own  house  or  the  house  of  another,  whether 
public  or  private  ;  not  a  quarter  of  it,  merely,  but 
half  of  it  ;  not  half  of  it,  but  all  of  it.  And  I  hope 
that  the  first  man,  woman,  or  child  who  violates 
this  salutary  rule,  after  reading  this  hint,  will  ex- 
perience such  compunctions  of  conscience  as  will 
effectually  prevent  a  repetition  of  the  offence. 
Future  generations  may,  however,  in  addition  to 
this,  do  me  the  honor,  if  they  please,  to  say  of  me 
that  it  was  a  remarkable  trait  in  my  character, 
upon  going  into  or  out  of  a  house,  to  shut  the  door 
after  me,  particularly  in  cold  weather.  And  if 
posterity  should  take  it  into  their  heads  to  erect 
a  monument  to  my  memory,  it  is  my  request  that 
a  reference  to  these  facts  should  constitute  the 
entire  inscription.  I  can  forgive  a  thousand  and 
one  offences  of  as  many  different  names  and  de- 
nrees  of  magnitude  ;  but  for  those  who  neglect  to 
profit  by  the  example  for  which  alone  I  claim  any 
distinction  among  men,  there  is,  in  my  whole  trea- 
sury of  benevolence,  no  such  thing  as  pardon. 


130  NARROW    ESCAPE. 


NARROW  ESCAPE  FROM  A  DELUGE. 

Oct.  23. — Rode  from  Portsmouth  to  Dover,  a 
distance  of  twelve  miles.  Between  the  two  pla- 
ces there  is  a  good  deal  of  upland,  high  and  dry  ; 
and  I  was  glad  of  it,  for  h  was  a  fogjjy  time,  suf- 
ficiently so  to  saturate  one's  clothes  and  lungs,  too. 
To  make  bad,  worse,  we  had  one  passenger  in  the 
coach  who  was  the  most  juicy  fellow  and  the  great- 
est spitter  that  ever  I  met  with.  To  spit  out  of  the 
coach,  would  not  do  at  all ;  but  he  must  spit  in  the 
coach,  although  the  curtains  were  all  up.  So  be- 
tween the  fog  and  the  spittle,  I  had  a  damp  time 
of  it  in  good  earnest.  When  I  was  in  Philadel- 
phia, I  visited  the  celebrated  water-works  at  Fair 
Mount,  and  came  away  again  without  receiving 
on  my  mind  what  might  be  called  an  indelible  im- 
pression ;  but  of  this  specimen  of  portable  water- 
works, this  manufacturer  and  vender  of  freshets, 
this  travelling  fountain  of  spittle,  I  am  sure  to  be 
reminded  by  every  stream  that  flows,  and  every 
pail  of  impure  rinsings  that  pollute  the  gutters  of 
a  street. 


NEW    USE    OF    AN    OLD    TOOL.  131 


NEW  USE  OF  AN  OLD  TOOL. 

Oct,  25, — Took  lodgings,  for  a  few  days,  at  a 
public  house  between  Boston  and  Hartford.  Un- 
alloyed perfection  in  any  thing  beneath  the  sun,  is 
not  to  be  looked  for.  There  were  many  things 
connected  with  my  accommodations  at  the  house 
where  I  stopped,  that  I  put  down  as  tokens  of  good 
sense  ;  but  I  had  occasion  to  regret  the  partial 
distribution  or  unequal  application  of  it.  The 
cause  of  complaint  here  was,  that  the  looking-glass 
was  hung  so  low  down  that  I  could  not  see  to 
shave  myself  by  it,  although  it  was  a  good,  large 
glass,  and  was  liberally  enriched  with  gold-leaf. 
With  all  this  in  its  favor — but  for  this  exception, 
that  it  showed,  as  I  stood  before  it,  whether  my 
pantaloons  were  properly  buttoned  up,  and  that  it 
served  as  a  customary  ornament  to  the  room — it 
might  as  well  have  been  under  the  bed  as  on  the 
wall.  I  could  not  reprove  the  thought,  as  I  tied 
my  silk  handkerchief  around  the  frame,  and  raised 
it  to  a  convenient  altitude,  How  strange  it  is  that 
asses  and  mules  should  command  so  great  a  price, 
when  they  are  so  plenty  !  for  surely  it  was  instinct 
that  could  commit  so  great  a  blunder,  and  not 
know  it. 


132  COVETING    A    HORSE3S    TAIL* 


COVETING  A  HORSE'S  TAIL, 

Nov.  1. — Arrived  in  New  Haven,  the  place  of 
literature,  morals,  steady  habits,  and  common  sense. 
Here  fops  are  a  rare  show  ;  nevertheless,  next 
morning  after  my  arrival,  when  on  my  way  to  the 
post-office,  I  met  a  sample  of  ihe  fraternity,  label- 
led with  the  first  growth  of  a  thrifty  pair  of  mus- 
taches. It  would  be  wanton  provocation  to  the 
most  disgusting  thing  that  crawls,  to  say  that  it 
resembles  a  young  man  whose  mouth  is  decorated 
with  a  horse's  tail.  A  wig  upon  a  cabbage-head 
would  be  far  more  appropriate  and  far  more  at- 
tractive. If  it  be  true  that  young  roosters  crow 
and  young  turkeys  gabble  to  show  that  they  have 
gained  a  mature  growth,  and  to  excite  the  admi- 
ration of  the  young  hens,  it  may,  too,  for  aught  I 
know,  be  the  motive  with  those  who  cultivate 
those  distinguishing  tokens  of  their  sex,  called 
whiskers  and  mustaches,  to  make  themselves  in- 
teresting in  the  sight  of  the  young  ladies.  But  if 
the  ladies  can  admire  such  a  spectacle,  I  trust  they 
will  excuse,  at  least,  the  very  worst  of  what  I 
write,  however  destitute  of  merit  it  may  be. 

As  a  nuisance,  mustaches  stand  the  first  and 
best  chance  for  the  premium  ;  and  he  who  wears 
them,  (in  this  country,)  the  best  chance  to  be  ridi- 


culed  and  sneered  at.  Whiskers  that  circumnavi- 
gate  the  face  from  ear  to  ear,  are  fully  entitled  to 
the  second  premium,  as  constituting  the  second 
best  scare-crow  that  has  as  yet  been  discovered. 
If  Cupid  can  contrive  no  better  way  to  coax  his 
pupils,  than  by  an  extravagant  display  of  bristles, 
wool,  or  feathers,  it  is  time  that  his  commission 
were  taken  from  him,  and  that  he  be  turned  over 
as  a  love-broker,  to  the  service  of  swine,  goats, 
and  turkey-buzzards.  Judging  from  the  circum- 
ference and  bulk  of  the  whiskers  in  which  some 
men  disguise  themselves,  I  am  led  to  the  belief  that 
they  are  valued  by  their  owners  as  the  chief  bull- 
wark  of  their  faith,  the  ?\m-part  of  a  military  am- 
bition ;  and  should  any  one  of  this  class  feel  in- 
clined to  compare  his  quadruped  diploma  of  merit 
upon  a  wager,  I  would  turn  out  old  Mount,  the 
mulatto  man,  the  town-scavenger,  as  a  suitable 
competitor  for  the  honor  which  superior  deformity 
shall  confer.  Old  Mount  is  the  favorite  chimney- 
sweep of  the  place  ;  for  such  is  the  superior  effi- 
ciency of  his  huge  whiskers,  that  he  has  only  to 
pass  up  or  down  the  chimney  a  single  time,  and 
his  work  is  done. 

Moral.  Young  men  who  would  secure  the  es- 
teem of  all  classes,  inferiors,  equals,  and  superiors, 
would  do  well  to  avoid  all  eccentricity,  and  all  ex= 
tremes  in  dress  and  in  deportment. 
12 


THE  GENTLEMAN. 


I  have  often  heard  it' said  of  individuals,  that 
they  were  'perfect  gentlemen  ;  but  I  never  yet  saw 
the  man  whom  I  thought  unexceptionably  entitled 
to  that  appellation.  As  soon  could  I  imagine  the 
character  of  a  man  to  be  perfectly  holy.  It  is  true, 
I  often  meet  with  those  from  whom  [  deem  it  a 
privilege  to  receive  instruction,  and  whose  man- 
ners I  regard,  in  many  respects,  as  worthy  of  imi- 
tation. 

There  are  those  who  are  polite  toward  their 
equals,  and  who  behave  themselves  very  respect- 
fully in  presence  of  their  superiors,  at  the  same 
time  thinking  it  nothing  derogatory  to  the  charac- 
ter they  would  maintain,  to  trifle  with  the  feelings 
of  their  inferiors.  Such  are  gentlemen  where  they 
dare  not  be  otherwise.  A  man  cannot  be  a  perfect 
gentleman,  who,  ignorantly,  wilfully,  or  negligently 
does  or  says  any  thing  wrong,  and  which,  in  its 
tendency,  is  calculated  needlessly  to  wound  the 
sensibility  or  even  to  rebuke  the  honestly  concei- 
ved prejudices  of  others.  A  man  may  be  genteel 
sometimes,  in  some  things,  and  yet  be  most  shock- 


THE    GENTLEMAN.  135 

ingly  offensive  in  many  other  respects.  One  may 
sit  at  the  head  of  the  table,  and  carve  a  pig  or  a 
turkey  in  a  style  satisfactory  to  the  guests  and 
creditable  to  himself;  but  if  his  finger-nails  are 
filled  with  black  dirt,  it  is  a  sad  blemish  upon  the 
map  of  his  accomplishments  ;  and  were  he  subject 
to  my  will,  he  should  not  make  a  second  attempt 
without  gloves  on.  I  have  often  seen  individuals 
having  their  fingers  amply  furnished  with  gold 
rings,  and  at  the  same  time  still  more  extravagantly 
decorated  with  ten  heavy  dirt-rings  under  their 
finger-nails.  As  emblems  of  latitude  and  longi- 
tude, they  might  be  appropriate  for  the  profession 
of  a  sailor;  but  with  gentlemen  in  the  ordinary 
pursuits  of  lifc,  these  black  meridians  had  better 
be  dispensed  with. 

On  a  certain  time  in  the  course  of  my  travels  in 
New  Jersey,  my  attention  was  directed  toward  an 
individual  who  was  engaged  in  conversation  with 
others  at  the  farther  end  of  a  public  hall.  By  the 
attractive  melody  of  his  voice,  the  orderly  keeping 
of  his  dress,  and  the  winning  signification  of  his 
general  air,  and  by  the  circumstance,  too,  that 
others  were  gathered  around  him  silently  listening 
to  his  story,  I  felt  myself  invited  to  approach.  I 
did  approach,  and  should  hav£  been  delighted  with 
the  many  agreeable  qualifications  that  seemed  so 
happily  to  unite  in  the  speaker  ;  but,  alas  !  he  had 


136  THE    GENTLEMAN, 

his  fault — a  fault,  not  that  he  had  forgotten  to  ply 
the  razor  to  his  beard  ;  not  that  an  eye,  in  some 
unlucky  battle  fought,  had  been  wrested  from  its 
place  ;  not  that  an  angry  cancer  had  marred  the 
fair  and  healthy  form  of  either  cheek  ;  not  that 
one  of  all  his  teeth  was  missing  ;  but  worse,  much 
worse  than  these.  He  evidently  had  not  used  a 
tooth-brush  from  his  infancy  up,  and  his  teeth  were 
thickly  coated  with  a  filth  that  defies  description. 
I  turned  away  in  disgust  from  the  horrid  specta- 
cle ;  and  the  thought  stole  upon  my  mind,  that, 
should  he  ever  be  cast  overboard  at  sea,  dead  or 
alive,  and  a  whale  should  swallow  him,  he  would 
not  be  permitted  to  remain  three,  days  and  three 
nights,  as  was  Jonah  ;  but  that  he  would  be  de- 
livered on  dry  land  in  less  than  three  hours.  The 
partial  or  entire  loss  of  teeth  is  not  a  fault,  but  a 
misfortune  ;  but  the  neglect  of  those  we  have, 
until  they  bscome  so  foul  as  to  be  unfit  to  be  seen, 
is  a  gross  fault,  an  abominable  offence ;  and  no 
man  is  a  perfect  gentleman,  whatever  other  re- 
deeming qualities  he  may  possess,  who  does  not 
take  some  pains  to  keep  his  finger-nails  and  teeth 
clean.  The  importance  of  music  and  drawing,  as 
accomplishments,  is  not  to  be  named  in  compari- 
son with  that  of  cleati  finger  nails  and  clean  teeth. 
To  be  honest,  clever,  intelligent,  and  amiable,  is 
to  be  respectable  :  not  to  be  so,  is  to  be  ultimately 


THE    GENTLEMAN.  137 

distrusted  and  forsaken.  But  a  man  may  be  hon- 
est, clever,  amiable,  and  to  a  certain  degree  intel- 
ligent, and  at  the  same  time  not  be  genteel.  I  can 
recall  to  mind  many  instances  where  persons  whom 
I  knew  to  be  in  many  respects  worthy,  and  who 
were  proverbially  well  disposed,  have  come  into 
the  dining-room  at  dinner-hour,  for  the  purpose  of 
speaking  to  some  one  sitting  at  the  table,  forget- 
ting to  take  off  their  hats  ;  and  I  also  recollect  di- 
ning, with  other  travellers,  at  a  public  house  be- 
tween Baltimore  and  Washington,  some  years 
since,  where  the  landlord  assisted  in  waiting  upon 
the  table,  with  due  care  to  keep  his  weather-beaten 
hat  on  his  head,  from  the  time  we  sat  down  till  we 
arose  from  the  board.  Grammatically  speaking, 
this  man  was  not  a  gentleman  of  the  superlative 
degree — nothing  more,  at  best,  than  of  the  com- 
parative degree,  like  the  poorer  quality  of  mack- 
erel, No.  2. 

I  once  knew  a  man  whose  feelings  were  so  sen- 
sibly wrought  upon  by  what  he  called  the  hickory 
manners  and  careless  appearance  of  a  certain  cler- 
gyman, that  he  could  not  be  prevailed  upon  to  hear 
him  a  second  time,  although  there  were  strong  in- 
ducements, in  other  respects  for  him  to  do  so.  A 
certain  professional  gentleman  within  the  circle 
of  my  acquaintance,  who,  from  his  skill  in  carving 
and  from  his  claim  to  the  distinction  by  virtue  of 
12* 


138  THE    GENTLEMAN. 

other  accomplishments,  had  been  duly  commission- 
ed to  perform  the  honor  of  the  table,  one  day  at 
dinner,  (the  principal  dish  being  a  handsome  piece 
of  roasted  beef,)  asked  me  if  I  would  be  helped  to 
a  slice  of"  Old  Golden."  I  accepted  his  offer;  but 
had  he  been  a  perfect  gentleman,  he  would  have 
offered  me  a  choice  piece  of  roasted  beef,  instead 
of  a  piece  of  Old  Golden.  Any  allusion  at  the  ta- 
ble, which  transfers  living  cattle,  swine,  the  barn- 
yard, and  the  stye,  to  the  dining-room,  is  certainly 
not  genteel.  I  prefer  for  dinner,  a  piece  of  mutton 
rather  than  a  piece  of  sheep,  or  a  piece  of  pork 
rather  than  a  piece  of  hog.  As  for  Old  Mike,  Tib, 
Dick,  or  Major,  I  have  no  relish  for  either,  not- 
withstanding they  may  have  fed  at  the  same  rack 
and  toiled  in  the  same  field  with  "  Old  Golden." 

No  perfect  gentleman  will  yawn  in  church,  if  he 
can  avoid  it  ;  and  if  he  must  yawn,  whether  in 
church  or  elsewhere,  he  will  be  very  shy  about  it. 
Neither  will  a  perfect  gentleman  pick  his  teeth  at 
the  table.  At  the  public  house  where  I  spent  a 
few  days  at  Montpelier,  in  the  State  of  Vermont, 
a  young  man  at  the  dinner- table,  took  from  his 
pocket  a  quantity  of  wooden  tooth-picks  which  he 
was  so  polite  as  to  offer  to  all  those  whom  he 
thought  might  have  occasion  to  use  one.  This 
act  of  civility  was  certainly  one  notch  above  the 
vulgar ;  for  although  it  is  common  enough  to  see 


THE    GENTLEMAN.  139 

men  sufficiently  coarse  to  pick  their  own  teeth  at 
the  table,  yet  never  before  did  I  see  any  one  pick 
the  teeth  of  his  neighbor.  Whether  he  was  a  den- 
tist, and  wished  to  introduce  an  improved  pick  of 
his  own  invention,  I  did  not  inquire  ;  nor  did  I  ask 
whether  he  had  in  his  possession  any  nose-picks, 
for  the  accommodation  of  {hose  whose  noses  re- 
quired cleaning.  In  one  thing,  however,  he  was 
right ;  for  if  a  new  fashion  is  to  be  introduced,  it 
should  be  first  issued  at  the  metropolis  ;  and  as 
Montpelier  is  the  seat  of  government,  it  was  well 
for  him  to  try  the  favor  of  his  tooth-picks  there. 

No  'perfect  gentleman  will  make  use  of  his  nose 
as  if  playing  second  to  a  bugle.  Of  all  the  ora- 
tory that  ever  I  listened  to,  that  of  nasal  eloquence 
is  the  cap-sheaf.  Nose-music  was  never  designed 
for  public  entertainment.  It  may  do  for  the  amuse- 
ment of  a  private  circle,  provided  that  the  circle 
be  made  up  of  cloven  feet  and  locomotive  spare 
ribs.  A  decent  man  may  chew  tobacco  ;  but  the 
unfortunate  habit  constitutes  no  part  of  his  accom- 
plishments. A  well-informed  man  may  use  profane 
language  ;  but  the  degrading  indulgence  forms  no 
part  of  his  respectability. 

No  perfect  gentleman  will  conduct  himself  to- 
wards his  inferiors  in  a  jeering,  sarcastic  manner  ; 
nor  will  he,  in  giving  the  orders  and  the  instruc- 
tions which  the  relations  of  principal  and  agent 


140  THE    GENTLEMAN. 

employer  and  employed,  master  and  servant,  per- 
mit and  require,  express  himself  in  manner,  tone, 
or  language,  which  shall  indicate  a  wanton  love  of 
power,  and  which,  though  it  may  receive  the  obe- 
dience of  the  hands,  cannot  command  a  compliance 
of  the  heart.  Depend  upon  it,  that  the  man  of 
commanding  station  who  is  not  revered,  (which 
signifies  to  be  "  regarded  with  fear  mingled  with 
respect  and  affection,")  is  deficient  in  some  of  the 
essential  qualities  which  constitute  the  perfect 
gentleman. 


A  SHORT  STORY  OF  A  LONG 
JOURNEY. 


There  is  not  a  man  among  men,  whose  mind 
is  not  impressed  with  lasting  recollections  of  par- 
ticular events  which  served  as  temporary  acquisi- 
tions of  happiness,  or  as  verifications  of  the  truth 
that  pleasure  and  pain  are  busy  rivals  in  the  exer- 
cise of  their  superintending  agency,  dealing  out 
unmeasured  and  unequal  shares  of  favors  and  of 
frowns. 

There  is  a  charm  in  variety  ;  and  under  some 
circumstances  it  is  a  privilege  to  leave  for  a  season 
the  friends,  the  endearments,  and  all  the  attrac- 
tions of  one  place,  for  the  purpose  of  participating 
in  the  freedom  and  of  enjoying  the  cordial  greet- 
ings that  await  us  in  another.  But  there  is  a  dif- 
ference, not  hard  to  be  understood,  between  the 
fact  of  being  pressed  into  the  performance  of  any 
service,  and  that  of  a  voluntary  submission  to  tem- 
porary sacrifice  and  toil,  when  future  gain  is  the 
motive  and  its  acquisition  the  reward.  With  one 
who,  from  youth  to  manhood,  has  resided  in  his 
native  town,  there  is  not  a  rock,  a  tree,  or  a  post 


142  A    LONG   JOURNEY. 

that  does  not  command  a  share  of  his  favorable 
regard  ;  the  first  and  perhaps  final  adieu  to  which, 
when  about  to  separate  himself  from  friends  and 
all  that  he  has  been  accustomed  to  associate  with 
home,  calls  forth  the  sigh  and  the  tear  which  speak 
the  emotions  of  the  soul,  not  within  the  power  of 
feeble  words  to  tell. 

For  many  years,  the  town  of  Utica,  in  the  State 
of  New  York,  was  the  place  of  my  residence,  ha- 
ving been  conveyed  there  at  the  early  age  of  six- 
teen. I  say,  having  been  conveyed  1here  ;  for,  like 
all  other  important  events  in  my  life,  this  migra- 
tion was  more  the  effect  of  accident  than  the  re- 
sult of  design  or  of  calculation  on  my  part.  It  is 
not,  however,  a  matter  of  essential  consequence, 
whether  I  sought  and  found  employment  in  Utica, 
or  whether  employment  sought  and  found  me. 
Either  way  it  is  alike  true  that  I  lived  there — true 
that  I  formed  an  extensive  acquaintance  there — 
true,  also,  that  I  contracted  a  few  intimacies,  not 
to  mention  attachments,  such  as  with  young  per- 
sons are  generally  more  distinguished  by  strength 
than  by  wisdom.  Under  such  circumstances,  fa- 
vored by  the  confidence,  good  will,  and  best  wishes 
of  the  whole  village,  (now  a  city,)  I  formed  a  re- 
solution which  was  then  as  surprising  to  others  as 
it  has  since  ever  been  unaccountable  to  myself,  to 
seek  my  fortune  among  strangers-—!  knew  not 
whom  nor  where. 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  143 

I  had  heard  much  of  Ohio  ;  although  if  there 
were  believers  in  the  story  that  the  country  a- 
bounded  in  baked  pigs  and  roasted  turkies  ready 
stationed  by  the  way-side  for  the  accommodation 
of  travellers,  free  of  charge,  I  was  not  among  the 
credulous  number.  On  the  contrary,  so  far  from 
anticipating  these  spontaneous  supplies  ready  dres- 
sed and  cooked,  I  would  readily  have  stipulated  an 
acceptance  of  such  bounties  in  a  living  state,  with 
the  hair  and  feathers  all  on.  Be  all  this  as  it  may, 
I  had  resolved  upon  an  adventure  abroad,  and  Ohio 
was  to  be  the  scene  of  my  travels. 

Every  thing  having  been  put  in  a  state  of  readi- 
ness, I  took  my  leave  of  home  and  of  friends — I 
say  every  thing,  which  sometimes  means  much  and 
sometimes  but  little- — I  say  friends,  which,  being 
interpreted,  signifies  those  who  would  sooner  smile 
upon  our  prosperity  than  be  called  upon  to  aid  us 
in  time  of  adversity. 

At  the  time  to  which  I  allude,  steam-boats,  ca- 
nals, and  rail-roads  were  not  as  numerous  as  they 
are  now  ;  consequently,  my  journey  from  Utica  to 
Buffalo  village  (now  a  city)  was  as  slow  and  as 
gloomy  as  heart-rending  certainties  and  hope  de- 
stroying uncertainties  could  make  it. 

Nevertheless,  as  good  luck  would  have  it,  upon 
my  arrival  at  Buffalo,  I  noticed  an  advertisement, 
stating  that  a  boat  would  sail  on  the  next  day  for 


144 


A    LONG    JOURNEY, 


•the  City  of  Sandusky,  as  it  has  been  called  ever 
since  the  survey  of  the  site  where  it  stands,  was 
first  made.  I  immediately  engaged  a  passage  on 
board  of  the  boat,  such  as  it  was,  and  sailed  on  the 
next  morning  at  the  appointed  hour.  But  my  ap- 
plication for  a  passage  was  not  made  until  every 
sleeping-berth  and  every  thing  eke  that  might  pos- 
sibly have  answered  as  a  substitute  for  such  a  com- 
fort, had  been  taken  up  by  other  more  fortunate 
travellers.  Nevertheless,  I  found  an  abundance 
of  that  consolation  which,  it  is  said,  misery  al- 
ways finds  in  a  corresponding  calamity  to  which 
others  are  subjected  ;  for  more  than  half  of  my 
journeying  companions,  men,  women,  and  children, 
were  in  the  same  sad  predicament  with  myself; 
and  to  make  bad,  worse,  nine  out  of  ten  of  all  on 
board,  were  as  sick  as  the  rolling  surface  of  the 
lake  and  the  rocking  motion  of  the  boat  could  make 
them.  What  a  levelling  influence,  thought  I,  does 
this  old,  wrinkle-faced  somnambulist  exert  upon 
those  who  come  within  the  contagious  touch  of 
her  reeling,  dancing  palsy  !  Of  what  avail  is  rank, 
wealth,  or  science  ?  All,  combined,  would  not  bribe 
the  appetite  to  relish  the  most  beguiling  dish  that 
art  could  invent.  Levelled  in  good  earnest,  I  half 
audibly  exclaimed,  as  I  raised  my  head  from  a  coil 
of  tarred  rigging  upon  which  I  was  reclining  ;  for, 
\ipon  glancing  my  eye  over  the  deck,  I  beheld  young 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  145 

and  old,  fine  clad  and  rough  clad,  the  proud  and 
the  humble,  all  subjected  with  myself  to  one  com- 
mon fate,  excepting  that  my  own  case  was  ren- 
dered somewhat  enviable  by  the  substitute  for  a 
pillow  which  I  found  in  the  coil  of  rigging,  and 
which  was  evidently  coveted  by  others  who  were 
less  fortunately  furnished. 

Fare  so  much,  if  found;  something  less,  if  not 
found.  So  read  the  advertisement,  the  literal 
meaning  of  which  was,  that  at  the  end  of  the  trip 
those  who  were  found  to  be  cdive,  should  pay  the 
highest  price  :  those  who  were  not  found  to  be  alive, 
to  pay  the  smaller  sum.  Upon  arriving  at  the 
City  of  Sandusky,  upon  close  examination,  it  was 
discovered  that  I  should  be  classed  with  those  who 
were  found:  and,  consequently,  I  was  required  to 
pay  the  highest  price.  But  for  the  extra  accom- 
modation, however,  which  I  realized  in  the  coil  of 
rope  as  a  pillow,  my  debt  would,  in  all  probability, 
have  been  cancelled  by  the  smaller  sum — a  degree 
of  courtesy  due  to  those  who  were  among  the  mis- 
sing, and  could  not  be  found. 

The  City  of  Sandusky  at  this  time  was  very 
young,  just  beginning  to  creep — contained  fourteen 
families,  besides  a  cooper  that  had  just  started  his 
shop,  and  a  blacksmith  that  was  expected  to  estab- 
lish himself  there  in  the  course  of  the  summer  fol- 
lowing, Wood,  fifty  cents  per  cord.  Venison  to 
13 


146  A    SHORT    STORY    OF 

be  had  in  great  abundance,  for  the  mere  finding 
and  catching.  Who  would  not  prefer  to  live  in  a 
City  like  this,  rather  than  dwell  in  such  an  old- 
fashioned,  gouty  place  as  New  York,  Philadelphia, 
or  Boston  ? 

After  spending  one  day  in  this  flourishing  city, 
and  having  feasted  upon  the  best  of  bears'  meat, 
wild  turkeys,  venison,  and  such  other  game  as  the 
suburbs  of  the  town  afforded,  I  resolved  to  take 
passage  in  the  first  stage  for  Columbus.  Here, 
again,  good  luck  was  with  me  ;  for  had  I  been  one 
day  later,  it  would  have  been  at  an  expense  of 
seven  days'  detention,  as  the  line  of  public  convey- 
ance went  and  came  but  once  in  a  week.  Indeed, 
such  was  the  badness  of  the  roads,  that  before  we 
reached  Columbus,  it  became  a  matter  of  surprise 
to  me,  that  the  fortitude  and  enterprise  of  any  man 
should  presume  to  perform  the  trip  in  two  weeks  ; 
much  more,  that  it  should  be  attempted  in  one. 

The  first  day  was  a  ride  of  twenty  miles  across 
open  and  miry  prairies  one-half  the  time,  and  over 
corduroy  bridges — the  only  traces  of  civilization 
that  marked  the  deep  forest,  the  other  half.  Spent 
the  first  night  at  a  log-cabin,  perhaps  destined,  at 
some  future  period,  to  be  a  hotel.  Here,  owing  to 
the  scarcity  of  accommodations,  it  became  a  mat- 
ter of  discussion  whether  I  should  sleep  with  the 
driver,  or  he  with  mc.     At  length  it  was  deter- 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  14? 

mined  that  we  should  sleep  together.  On  the  part 
of  the  driver,  the  only  objection  to  this  arrange- 
ment seemed  to  be  in  the  apprehension  that  I  might 
take  some  liberties  with  a  little  package  of  money 
which  had  been  entrusted  to  his  care,  to  deposit 
in  the  bank  at  Columbus.  For  once,  (blessed  be 
nothing,)  I  had  no  occasion  to  sleep  with  my  eyes 
open,  .for  my  pockets  were  above  suspicion  and 
above  temptation.  So  I  slept  like  a  king  ;  that  is 
to  say,  I  slept  with  my  eyes  shut,  with  my  lungs 
and  pulse  in  motion,  with  my  head  one  way  and 
my  feet  the  other.  Like  a  king,  too,  I  was  un- 
conscious of  the  quality  as  well  as  of  the  quantity 
of  surrounding  things ;  for  sleep  had  annihilated 
all  the  distinguishing  features  of  circumstance. 
Sleep  is  another  leveller  that  puts  the  same  price 
upon  the  king  and  the  subject,  the  driver  and  his 
passenger,  the  master  and  the  slave,  the  rich  and 
the  poor. 

After  breakfast,  (I  got  out  of  bed  and  dressed 
myself  before  breakfast,)  we  proceeded  on  our  jour- 
ney. The  roads  growing  worse  instead  of  better, 
it  was  agreed  between  the  driver  and  myself,  that 
when  he  drove,  I  should  go  on  foot ;  and  that  when 
I  should  become  fatigued,  he  would  walk,  and  I 
should  drive.  This  driving  of  four  horses  was  new 
business  to  me  ;  but  in  a  short  time  [  could  steer 
my  course  through  mud-holes  and  wind  my  way 


148  A    SHORT    STORY    OF 

among  the  trees,  logs,  and  bushes,  with  a  skill  thai 
would  have  excited  the  jealousy  of  an  experienced 
pilot. 

The  greatest  sum  of  earthly  happiness  of  which 
life  is  susceptible,  at  least,  the  greatest  share  with 
which  human  beings  can  hope  to  be  blessed,  is  to 
be  derived  from  innocent,  harmless  recreation  and 
from  useful  occupation.  These  are  the  affirmative 
sources.  The  negative  are,  exemption  from  men- 
tal anxiety  and  freedom  from  bodily  pain  ;  and  this 
day's  journey,  so  far  as  I  was  concerned^  furnished 
ample  verification  of  the  doctrine.  The  charms  of 
novelty  and  the  remedial  influence  of  occupation, 
(driving  four  horses  not  over  but  through  the  worst 
road  that  clay  and  water  ever  formed,)  chased 
away  the  thoughts  of  those  oppressive  certainties, 
and  still  more  oppressive  uncertainties,  to  which, 
on  a  former  page,  I  have  made  an  allusion. 

But  unalloyed  happiness  is  not  to  be  overtaken, 
especially  in  those  regions  of  country  where,  to 
travel  twenty  miles  per  day,  is  a  great  exploit.  I 
should  have  been  better  reconciled  to  existing  cir- 
cumstances, had  not  my  sympathies  been  so  se- 
verely taxed  in  behalf  of  the  suffering  horses  ;  for, 
judging  from  all  appearances,  with  the  musquetoes 
and  flies  of  all  sorts  and  sizes,  it  must  have  been 
a  day  of  general  resurrection,  the  countless  swarms 
of  successive  ages  having  congregated  their  armies 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  149 

lo  inflict,  with  renewed  vigor,  their  piratical  tor- 
tures upon  every  defenceless  animal  that  came 
within  their  camp.  If  I  should  say  that  they  liter- 
ally  devoured  one  of  our  horses,  leaving  nothing 
but  his  tail,  not  one  out  of  ten  would  believe  me  ; 
but,  belief  or  no  belief,  on  the  third  day  of  our  jour- 
ney, from  some  cause  or  other,  we  had  but  three 
horses  to  drive,  instead  of  four.  On  the  morning 
of  the  third  day,  one  of  our  passengers  was  also 
missing  ;  and  I  am  as  certain  now  as  I  was  then, 
that  he  too  was  devoured  by  the  flies.  But  it  was 
my  fortune  to  escape  every  besetting  danger,  and 
at  length  to  arrive  in  safety  at  the  seat  of  govern- 
ment of  the  now  populous  State  of  Ohio. 

The  circumstances  attending  my  arrival  and 
short  stay  at  Columbus,  although  not  of  that  mar- 
vellous kind  that  will  justify  a  comparison  with 
the  burning  of  Moscow,  or  with  the  Declaration  of 
Independence,  will,  neverthless,  not  soon  be  obli- 
terated from  my  mind  ;  for  it  was  there  that  my 
pantaloons  were  stolen  from  me.  Not  stolen  off 
from  me — a  spare  copy,  I  mean,  stolen  from  my 
trunk.  The  thief  was  a  young  man,  (as  I  after- 
wards learned,)  and  had  just  commenced  the  busi- 
ness of  stealing  on  his  own  hook.  His  first  attempt 
having  proved  successful,  he  gradually  extended 
his  business  until,  at  length,  he  engaged  in  the 
more  hazardous  enterprise  of  stealing  horses.  This 
13*  * 


150  A    SHORT    STORY   OF 

soon  brought  him  into  public  notice,  and  the  civil 
authorities  paid  him  their  respects  by  sending  him 
to  the  State  seminary  to  receive  seven  years'  tui- 
tion free  of  charge. 

From  Columbus  I  continued  my  journey  to  Chil- 
licothe,  where  I  remained  three  or  four  months — 
long  enough  to  receive  renewed  demonstrations 
that  friendship,  bows,  shaking  of  hands,  smiles,  and 
invitations  to  parties,  are  nowhere  gratuitously  be- 
stowed. These  favors  being  for  sale,  can  be  pur- 
chased any  where,  provided  we  have  a  supply  of 
ready  cash  with  which  to  pay  for  them.  Hospi- 
talities, like  all  other  commodities,  have  their  mar- 
ket price.  The  forms  under  which  they  are  bought 
and  sold,  differ,  it  is  true,  from  those  which  are 
observed  in  the  buying  and  selling  of  sugar,  tea, 
and  tobacco.  The  latter  are  advertized  in  the- 
public  prints,  sold  at  auction,  and  bartered  at  re- 
tail for  hoe-handles,  rakes,  white  beans,  and  scythe 
snaths.  Hospitalities  are  advertised  on  gilt-edged 
paper,  in  the  form  of  billets,  and  on  very  small, 
veiy  smooth,  and  very  elegant  card?.  It  is  under- 
stood, in  offering  this  article  in  the  market,  that 
the  purchasers  will  be  select— that  promiscuous  and 
random  bids  will  not  be  received.  The  only  re- 
maining equality  between  men,  exists  in  the  fact 
that  all  breathe  the  same  air,  and  that  the  poor 
man's  shilling  will  purchase  as  large  a  shad  as  will 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  151 

the  same  amount  of  money  when  offered  by  his 
more  wealthy  neighbor.    - 

Money,  with  men,  is  often  what  superficial 
beauty  is  with  women — more  than  a  substitute  for 
intrinsic  merit.  Money  creates  virtues  where 
they  are  not,  and  annihilates  or  conceals  vices 
where  they  are.  Who  will  set  limits  to  the  influ- 
ence of  wealth  !  It  controls  the  social  sympathies, 
and  even  directs  the  flight  and  consummates  the 
passion  of  love.  The  beggar  in  rags,  pays  it  his 
homage,  and  the  wisdom  of  gray  locks  awards  it 
due  respect  ;  nor  is  it  wholly  forgotten  by  those 
who,  while  they  teach  the  prudence  of  laying  up 
treasures  beyond  the  reach  of  chance,  suffer  no 
good  opportunity  to  pass,  for  surrounding  them- 
selves with  that  earthly  splendor  which  it  is  the 
privilege  of  the  few  to  possess,  and  the  only  privi- 
lege of  the  many  to  look  at,  to  covet,  to  envy,  and 
to — praise. 

After  having  seen  enough  of  Chillicothe,  and 
having  suffered  too  as  much  from  various  sources 
of  discouragement  and  from  sickness  as  the  most 
monopolizing  curiosity  could  have  wished,  or  as 
the  most  unyielding  fortitude  would  have  patiently 
endured,  I  resolved  to  take  my  leave  of  the  place, 
and  to  direct  my  course  for  the  city  of  Cincinnati. 
No  regular  line  of  stages  was,  at  this  time,  estab- 
lished between  the  two  towns ;  consequently,  for 


152  A    SHORT    STORY    GF 

this  and  for  other  good  reasons,  there  was  no  choice 
left  me,  but  first  to  go  to  Portsmouth,  and  there  to 
take  the  first  boat  that  might  be  downward  bound. 
Portsmouth  is  a  town  situated  at  the  junction  of 
the  Scioto  and  Ohio  rivers — a  point  assuming  more 
recent  notoriety  from  its  connexion  with  the  ter- 
mination of  the  great  Ohio  canal. 

Of  my  journey  from  Chillicothe  to  Portsmouth, 
I  have  but  little  to  say,  except  that  I  do  not  wish 
to  pass  over  the  ground  again  in  a  similar  way. 
Indeed,  if  I  were  to  dictate  the  mode  of  punishing 
my  enemies,  I  would  compel  them  to  travel  forty 
miles,  and  suffer  all  the  convenience  and  comfort  that 
were  allotted  me  on  that  occasion.  The  vehicle 
that  conveyed  my  trunk,  was  a  four-horse  wagon 
loaded  icilh  flour  ;  and  it  was  my  privilege  to  walk 
when  I  pleased — to  ride  on  the  top  of  the  load  of 
flour,  when  I  chose — and  by  way  of  change,  I  ob- 
tained permission  from  the  wagoner  to  ride  his  off 
wheel  HORSE,  while  he  rode  the  mate.  I  hope 
the  printer  will  not,  through  mistake,  leave  out  the 
word  horse  ;  for  the  bare  thoughts  of  riding  on  the 
wagon-z^eeZ,  are  excruciating.  The  facts  as  they 
really  existed,  are  bad  enough,  in  all  conscience. 
It  was  the  horse,  not  the  wheel,  that  I  rode.  This 
promotion,  all  things  considered,  was  as  enviable 
as  it  was  novel ;  for  the  road  which  had  been  ac- 
commodated in  its  construction  to  the  uneven  sur- 


A  LONG  JOURNEY.  153 

face  of  the  country  over  which  it  passed,  was 
shaded  by  a  thick  forest  of  oak  ;  the  sun  had  hid 
his  face  behind  the  Western  hills,  and  a  dark  and 
chilling  night  had  issued  its  nocturnal  parole  in 
behalf  of  the  solemn  owl  and  the  hungry,  prowling 
wolf.  The  partridge  and  the  blue  jay  had  taken 
themselves  to  roost  ;  and  the  thick-set  branches  of 
the  hemlock,  adding  density  to  shade,  seemed  to 
be  nodding  in  dreams.  This  was  "  solitude"  with- 
out sweeteniag,  plain  solitude.  My  horse  had  no 
saddle  on  his  back — in  theory  a  good  cause  of  com- 
plaint ;  but  in  practice,  considering  the  coldness 
of  the  night,  it  was  not  so  very  objectionable,  for 
when  two  or  three  are  gathered  together,  there 
will  be  warmth,  even  though  one  of  the  number 
should  be  a  horse.  Be  that  as  it  may,  I  was  com- 
pelled to  choose  between  two  or  three  evils,  and 
that  of  riding  on  the  animal's  bare  back,  was  the 
least  of  the  whole  catalogue.  Besides,  I  was  now 
favored  with  the  company  of  the  wagoner,  whose 
skill  in  managing  his  team  was  to  me  a  pastime, 
saying  the  least  of  it.  The  readiness,  too,  with 
which  the  horses  comprehended  every  word  and 
sign  of  command,  and  the  unerring  precision  with 
which  they  put  them  in  execution,  was  far  from 
being  destitute  of  temporary  entertainment.  And 
I  confess  that,  for  the  first  time,  (although  I  have 
often  been  tortured  into  the  like  doubts  since,)  I 


154  a    SHORT    STORY    OF 

was  led  to  question  which  possessed  the  highest 
grade  of  intellectual  endowment,  the  man  who  is- 
sued the  words  of  command,  or  the  horses  who  so 
readily  understood  and  obeyed  them.  These  were 
the  cheering  airs  after  which  I  marched  from  Chil- 
licothe  to  Portsmouth. 

Upon  arriving  at  Portsmouth,  I  was  informed 
that  such  was  the  condition  of  the  river,  the  steam- 
boats had  discontinued  running,  and  that  no  alter- 
native remained  but  to  take  passage  on  board  of  a 
keel-boat,  a  kind  of  craft  designed  for  the  convey- 
ance of  freight,  having,  at  best,  the  most  indiffer- 
ent accommodations  for  travellers,  My  greatest 
trouble  now  was — not  the  questionable  convenience 
of  apartments,  nor  the  questionable  character  and 
grade  of  travelling  companions  by  which  my  jour- 
ney down  the  river  was  to  be  made  agreeable  or 
disagreeable — but  it  was  the  uncertainty  when 
even  one  of  these  dilatory  floating  vats  would  make 
its  appearance.  I  might  be  detained  in  waiting 
for  one  of  these  slow  and  easy  floats  long  enough 
to  build  one  that  would  serve  as  well,  if  not  better. 
But  fortune,  it  seems,  had  determined  that  I  should 
suffer  continued  good  luck;  for,  in  less  than  an 
hour,  as  I  was  standing  upon  the  margin  of  the 
river,  watching  its  sleepy  current,  unable  to  deter- 
mine, from  the  corresponding  and  no  less  doubtful 
declension  of  its  banks,  whether  its  course  was 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  155 

uphill  or  down,  my  eyes  were  greeted  with  a  sight 
of  the  very  object  for  the  timely  arrival  of  which 
I  would  gladly  have  accepted  terms  of  insurance 
at  a  premium  of  ten  per  cent.  In  a  few  minutes 
more,  two  of  these  transportation  troughs  were  at 
the  wharf.  There  was  no  time  to  be  lost ;  so  I 
quickly  purchased  a  small  basket,  which  I  fdled 
with  bread  and  butter,  a  roasted  chicken,  and  a 
chunk  of  dried  beef,  and  then  went  on  board. 

Men,  boxes,  women,  crates,  dogs,  barrels,  and 
children  constituted  the  principal  part  of  the  cargo. 
This  heterogeneous  collection  of  animal,  vegetable, 
and  mineral  bodies  that  constituted  the  entire 
batch,  was  the  cause  of  my  conversion  to  a  doc- 
trine which  I  had,  till  then,  uniformly  opposed. 
It  was  on  this  occasion  that  my  zeal,  as  an  advo- 
cate for  the  doctrine  of  universal  suffrage  and  of 
equal  dignity  of  rank  and  station,  was  cooled  down 
to  within  a  few  degrees  of  zero.  Indeed,  such 
was  the  impression  made  upon  my  mind,  by  the 
practical  illustration  of  human  weakness,  degrada- 
tion, and  depravity  which  this  unassorted  congre- 
gation afforded,  that  from  thenceforth  I  have  been 
constrained  to  acknowledge  the  propriety  and  the 
validity  of  all  those  claims  to  distinction  in  civil- 
ized society,  which  originate  in  morals,  science, 
ornamental  accomplishments,  occupation,  manners 
and  wealth.     Men  whose  habits  of  life  have  been 


156  A    SHORT    STORY   OF 

quite  dissimilar,  seldom  find  it  altogether  agreea- 
ble to  be  confined  to  each  other's  company.  There 
is  a  sympathy  and  a  congeniality  of  feeling  exist- 
ing between  men  of  corresponding  pursuits,  which 
is  perpetuated,  if  not  strengthened,  by  an  equality 
of  success  ;  but  which,  if  the  favors  of  fortune  are 
capriciously  bestowed,  will  gradually  decline. 
Prosperity  and  adversity  are  irreconcilable  asso- 
ciates. The  political  aspirant  may  address,  it  is 
true,  a  promiscuous  collection  often  thousand  men 
and  boys  in  the  park ;  but  his  drawing  room  would 
furnish  a  seat  for  every  one  of  the  whole  number 
of  this  vast  collection  whom  he  would  own  as  an 
acquaintance  at  a  select  party.  The  reciprocation 
of  ceremonies,  compliments,  and  cards  between  a 
beggar  and  a  bishop,  would  be  as  ludicrous  as  it  is 
unnatural ;  and  the  common  sense  of  every  man, 
high  and  low,  rich  and  poor,  learned  and  unlearned, 
refined  and  unrefined,  recognizes  this  truth.  But 
if  common  sense  were  hesitating  between  envy 
and  conviction,  instinct  itself  would  confirm  the 
fact.  A  man  whose  acquaintance  with  the  world 
is  limited  to  his  shop,  his  store,  or  his  farm,  and 
whose  knowledge  of  himself  is  the  mere  stereotype 
effect  of  one  continued  succession  of  never  varying 
events ;  one  who,  from  his  youth  up,  has  never 
been  out  of  the  town  in  which  he  was  born,  hav- 
ing always  slept  in  the  same  corner  of  the  same 


,ONG    JOURNEY.  15f 


room,  and  who  has  always  eaten  at  the  same  ta-i 
ble,  the  longest  way  North  and  South,  with  the- 
old,  hereditary  cuphoard  on  one  side  and  the  cellar 
door  on  the  other,  may  affect  a  total  disregard  for 
every  thing  that  is  called  fashion,  courtesy,  and 
general  refinement — pretending  to  despise  those 
who  approve,  study,  and  practice  what  he  hates  ; 
but  place  this  man  two  doors  from  his  own  dwel- 
ling, or  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street,  in  com- 
pany with  individuals  whose  intercourse  with  man- 
kind has  been  extensive,  and  whose  manners  have 
been  disciplined  by  the  best  examples  which  the 
best  society  affords,  and  he  will  feel,  if  he  does  not 
confess,  that  there  are  different  classes  and  differ- 
ent grades  of  men  in  the  world.  There  is  not  a 
man  in  existence,  civilized  or  uncivilized,  who  does 
not  feel  humbled  when  in  the  presence  of  others 
better  informed  and  more  accomplished  than  him- 
self. Even  integrity,  unblemished  integrity,  and 
all  the  cardinal  virtues,  may,  to  say  the  least,  re- 
ceive additional  Iu3tre  under  the  correcting  influ- 
ence of  scientific  attainments,  and  of  a  social  in- 
tercourse with  that  society  which  is  elevated  and 
refined. 

But  after  all  this  commendation   of  embellish- 
ments, rank,  and  classification,  the  truth  remains, 
that  a  man  will  live   longer  upon  a  loaf  of  bread 
and  a  roasted  potatoe,  enjoy  life  and  grow  fat  with 
14 


158  A    SHORT    STORY    OF 

thanks  returned  in  bad  grammar,  than  would  a 
dancing-master  upon  his  pigeon-wing  gruel,  made 
nutricious  by  bows,  powdered  hair,  diamond-rings 
by  the  bushel,  together  with  ceremonies  and  com- 
pliments enough  to  satisfy  nobility  itself.  But  be 
all  this  true  or  false,  it  does  not  help  me  along  on 
my  journey  ;  so  now  to  the  sweeps.  Sw.eeps  are 
long  oars  or  paddles  with  which  the  boatmen  pro- 
pel their  boat  down  the  river.  They  are  so  long 
and  so  heavy  that  two  or  three  men  are  required 
to  labor  at  each  one.  Indeed,  some  of  the  sweeps 
to  our  boat  were  long  enough  to  give  employment 
to  a  fourth  hand  ;  so,  for  want  of  pastime  and  ex- 
ercise,  and  I  might  say,  for  want  of  air  and  room 
elsewhere,  I  was  tempted  to  try  my  skill  at  rowing. 
In  a  few  minutes  I  became  a  perfect  master  of  the 
art ;  and  in  a  few  minutes  more,  I  became  tired 
enough  to  sit  down  at  rest.  But  I  was  paid,  fully 
paid,  three  times  paid  for  my  toil.  The  amuse- 
ment that  it  afforded  me,  was  of  itself  a  liberal  re- 
ward. The  appetite  which  was  thereby  acquired, 
and  which  led  me  into  the  agreeable  delusion  that 
my  basket  of  bread  and  cold  chicken  was  the  very 
fountain-head  of  all  luxuries,  was  a  laughing  scorn 
upon  dollars  and  cents,  of  which,  though  one  might 
buy  an  egg,  a  thousand  could  not  make  it  taste 
good. 

I  have  already  shown  that  this  toiling  at  the 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  159 

sweep  was  a  lucrative  business.  But  there  are 
perquisites  still  to  be  added  ;  for  such  was  my 
dexterity  in  the  performance,  that  I  was  duly  ap- 
plauded by  all  the  boatmen  who  witnessed  the  rea- 
diness with  which,  as  a  pupil,  I  recited  the  first 
lessons  in  the  art  of  which  they  were  old  profes- 
sors. Applauded  !  We  need  not  inquire  how 
great  a  fool  a  man  must  be,  who  can  find  gratifi- 
cation for  his  pride  in  that  praise  which  extols  his 
skill  in  shooting  at  a  mark,  blowing  the  bugle,  beat- 
ing the  drum  or  in  rowing  a  boat.  But  wre  may 
well  ask,  how  wise  must  a  man  become  before  the 
praise  of  his  deeds,  let  them  be  what  they  may, 
shall  fail  to  furnish  stimulant  to  his  nerves  and 
music  to  his  ear.  What  conceited,  silly  things 
human  beings  are  ;  and  yet  how  little  do  they 
know  and  how  little  can  they  do  of  which  to  be 
vain !  No  man  can  swim  with  a  skill  that  shall 
equal  that  of  a  frog  ;  nor  can  he  hop  and  jump 
with  the  dexterity  of  a  flea.  An  eagle's  flight  is 
out  of  sight ;  for  man  to  fly,  't  is  vain  to  try.  The 
most  slippery  rogue  among  rogues,  is  not  half  as 
slippery  as  an  eel ;  nor  can  the  most  exquisite 
dandy,  in  whom  to  despise  himself  would  be  a  vir- 
tue, hold  his  nose  under  water  on  a  wager,  with  a 
shoat. 

There  were  a  number  of  passengers  on  board  of 
our  boat,  who  had  embarked,  some  at  one  place 


160 


A    SHORT    STORY    OF 


and  some  at  another  ;  and  the  rule  of  our  ship  be- 
ing like  that  of  a  grist-mill,  first  come  first  serve, 
I  was  left  with  no  very  enviable  choice  of  accom- 
modations for  a  night's  lodging.  At  length,  how- 
ever, after  some  search,  I  found  a  dry  goods'  box, 
upon  which,  with  a  keg  of  nails  for  a  pillow,  I  pas- 
sed the  night — one-half  of  the  time  being  spent  in 
turning  from  the  left  side  to  the  right,  the  other 
half  in  turning  over  back  again.  It  is  a  well  es- 
tablished truth,  that  the  power  of  attraction  loses 
none  of  its  loving  kindness  when  it  finds  a  man 
endeavoring  to  sleep  upon  a  plank  ;  and  had  Sir 
Isaac,  in  his  more  youthful  days,  tried  the  experi- 
ment, the  falling  of  an  apple  from  the  tree  to  the 
ground,  "would  have  been  too  late  a  hint  to  have 
served  in  the  direction  of  his  mind  to  those  impor- 
tant discoveries  for  which  he  became  so  eminently 
distinguished. 

The  second  day  passed  away  unattended  by  an}r 
awful  calamity,  except  that  one  of  the  female  pas- 
sengers, while  leaning  over  the  side  of  the  boat, 
dropped  her  sun-bonnet  into  the  water,  and  that 
in  attempting  to  catch  hold  of  it,  she  also  pitched 
head  first  into  the  river.  But,  as  it  happened,  it 
was  in  a  shoal  place,  not  more  than  three  feet  deep; 
soon  she  was  safely  conducted  into  the  boat  again. 
I  am  glad  she  was  saved  ;  for  she  was  a  healthy, 
smart,  young  woman,  destined  to  help  populate  the 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  161 

far  West ;  and  what  truth  can  be  more  evident 
than  this,  that  all  branches  of  business  at  the  East, 
must  prosper  in  proportion  to  the  increase  of  popu- 
lation at  the  West  1 

I  had  resolved  that,  if  circumstances  favored  the 
design,  I  would  pass  the  second  night  on  shore ; 
and,  much  to  my  gratification,  a  little  after  sun- 
down we  made  a  halt  and  lashed  our  boat  to  a  tree, 
when  I  sallied  forth  in  pursuit  of  something  on 
shore  that  might  be  Called  a  house  ;  and  as  I  reached 
the  summit  of  the  bank,  I  spied  a  log-cabin  appa- 
rently about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  distant,  and  made 
towards  it  like  a  man  in  earnest.  In  a  few  min- 
utes I  was  at  the  threshhold  ;  and  as  there  was  no 
bell  (to  pull)  except  the  one  that  hung  on  the  neck 
of  the  old  cow  that  stood  close  by,  waiting  to  be 
fed  or  to  be  milked,  I  knocked  with  my  knuckles 
against  the  door,  which  signal  was  followed  by  an 
invitation  from  eleven  or  twelve  voices,  bass,  tenor, 
and  treble,  to  «'  walk  in."  Upon  entering  the  en. 
closure,  {for  what  else  is  a  log-hut  with  but  one 
room  in  it?)  after  appropriate  explanations,  my 
first  inquiry  was,  whether  I  could  be  accommoda- 
ted with  a  night's  lodging.  The  reply  was  but 
little  else  than  a  statement  of  the  inconveniences 
that  would  attend  a  compliance  with  my  wishes. 
But  necessity  is  sometimes  prone  to  take  what  it 
cannot  purchase  ;  and  having  stated  the  peculiari- 
14* 


162  A    SHORT   STORY   OF 

ties  of  my  case,  it  will,  perhaps,  not  be  though! 
strange  that  I  persevered  in  my  importunities  for 
entertainment. 

It  was  a  well  assorted  family  that  occupied  this 
cabin  ;  for,  so  far  as  age,  size,  and  sex  were  con- 
cerned, one  would  have  supposed  that  they  had 
been  regularly  surveyed  and  graded  by  an  experi- 
enced engineer,  the  rise  and  fall  being  six  feet  to 
the  dozen— the  youngest  so  young  that  day-light 
had  not  ceased  to  be  a  novelty — the  oldest  just  old 
enough  to  love  their  neighbors  as  themselves — a 
very  common  occurrence  among  young  unmarried 
people,  especially  in  the  newly  settled  country. 
There  is  a  class  of  people  called  squatters,  from  the 
circumstance  that  they  settle  themselves  down 
upon  any  piece  of  land  that  they  like  and  find  un- 
occupied, without  regard  to  the  question  of  own- 
ership. This  family  was  of  that  class,  and  with 
them  the  lack  of  money  had,  as  usual,  been  abun- 
dantly made  up  in  the  increase  of  children  ;  so 
much  so,  that  there  was  no  such  thing  as  a  spare 
bed  in  the  house,  nor  was  there  any  spare  room 
in  the  house,  where  a  spare  bed  might  have  been 
placed,  so  that  the  scarcity  of  beds  was  in  reality 
the  least  of  two  evils. 

Discouragements  multiplied  thicker  and  faster, 
till  hope  became  almost  extinguished ;  for  upon 
proposing  that  I  would  sleep  upon  some  loose  straw 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  168 

in  one  corner  of  the  room,  I  was  told  that  they 
had  no  straw.  Then  I  petitioned  for  a  bundle  of 
corn-stalks  ;  but  they  had  no  stalks,  the  old  cow 
having  eaten  the  last  remnant  of  the  stack,  that 
very  day.  I  was  now  upon  the  point  of  returning 
to  the  boat  to  spend  another  night  on  my  box  and 
keg  of  nails,  when  one  of  my  travelling  compan- 
ions came  blustering  into  the  house  to  solicit  for 
himself  such  accommodations  as  my  own  feeble 
eloquence  could  not  raise.  I  now  joined  my  force 
to  his  in  besieging  these  poor  though  hospitable 
■squatters — my  conscience  in  the  meantime  loudly 
reproving  me  for  the  rude  and  ungenerous  act.  At 
length,  the  mistress  of  the  house,  or  rather  the 
mother  of  this  large  flock  of  children,  consented 
that  we  should  occupy  the  family  trundle-bed, 
which,  as  it  was  hauled  out  into  the  middle  of  the 
floor,  looked  more  like  a  fit  subject  for  quarantine, 
than  any  thing  of  the  kind  I  ever  before  placed  my 
eyes  upon.  The  description  which  my  companion 
gave  of  this  bed  to  his  fellow-travellers,  on  the  next 
day,  was  much  as  follows  :  The  tick,  he  said,  had 
about  two  and  a  half  pounds  of  owls'  feathers  in  it ; 
and  judging  from  general  appearances,  he  thought 
that  it  must  have  been  used  in  the  camp  during  the 
revolutionary  war.  As  a  relic  of  '76,  he  thought 
it  quite  worth  preserving,  and  that  it  was  entitled 
to  a  pension,  not  merely  because  it  was  old,  venera- 


164  A    SHORT    STORY    OF 

ble,  and  covered  with  scars,  but  because,  in  all  pro- 
bability, there  had  been  more  than  twenty  children 
raised  on  it,  black  or  white  ;  probably  some  of 
each.  In  short,  he  pronounced  it  an  old  soldier  or 
an  old  slave — adding  that,  in  consideration  oiextra 
services,  he  hoped  it  might  ere  long  be  sent  to  Li- 
beria, to  enjoy  the  freedom  to  which  all  bed-ticks 
in  that  country  are  entitled.  At  all  events,  it  was 
evident  that  it  had  passed  through  many  severe 
trials,  having  had,  as  my  companion  told  the  story, 
the  pleurisy  three  times,  the  itch  seven  times,  the 
small  pox  once,  and  the  cholera  twice.  Indeed, 
we  concurred  in  opinion  that,  from  indications  not 
to  be  misunderstood,  it  had  taken  so  much  physic 
from  first  to  last,  (during  the  war  and  since,)  as  to 
render  it  no  subject  of  wonder  that  so  few  feath- 
ers remained  in  the  tick. 

I  have  said  that  our  trundle-bed  was  hauled  out 
into  the  middle  of  the  floor.  In  this  situation  we 
were  in  the  centre  of  attractions,  of  which  there 
were  many.  A  large  fire  that  reached  nearly 
across  one  end  of  the  mansion — a  quarter  of  fresh 
beef  within  gnawing  distance,  resting  on  the  top 
of  a  wash-tub — a  barrel  of  new  cider  that  had  con- 
vulsion fits  all  night,  with  a  hissing  noise  that 
threatened  explosion,  standing  within  eighteen 
inches  of  my  pillow- — the  man  of  the  house  with 
his   wife,  crying   infant,  and   one  other  restless 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  165 

child,  within  snoring  report — the  pork-barrel  in 
one  corner  and  the  soap-tub  in  another — the  howl- 
ing of  wolves  not  far  off,  and  the  barking  of  the 
watch-dog  at  the  door,  to  make  them  cautious  how 
they  exposed  themselves  to  the  tender  mercies  of 
the  squatter's  rifle — the  ruminating  cow,  whose 
gingling  bell  was  conscientiously  accurate  in  re- 
peating the  minutes  as  well  as  the  hours  that  suc- 
ceeded each  other — these  were  the  anodynes  that 
sweetened  repose  and  beguiled  the  lingering  retreat 
of  night. 

At  length,  day-light  appeared,  and  those  who 
had  slept,  awoke.  Those  who  had  not  slept,  got 
up  without  waking.  My  companion  of  trundle- 
bed  memory,  in  defiance  of  all  opposing  obstacles, 
had  slept  during  the  whole  night,  as  many  others 
do,  with  his  mouth  wide  open,  like  a  yawning  fly- 
trap. The  rats  and  the  mice  did  not,  however, 
curtail  their  midnight  eambols  on  that  account : 
but  continued,  as  usual,  to  frisk  and  to  dance  co- 
tillons about  the  chamber-floor,  which,  being  full 
of  knot-holes  and  cracks,  showered  down  chaff  and 
broom-corn- seed,  until  his  mouth  was  two-thirds 
full  of  these  heterogeneous  siftings  from  the  leaky 
loft. 

By  the  time  we  were  cleverly  dressed,  which 
signifies  our  hoots  on  without  blacking,  our  coats 
on  without  brushing,  our  chins  on  without  sha- 


166  A    SHORT    STORY    OF 

ving,  our  hands  on  without  washing,  and  our  heads 
on  without  combing,  we  heard  the  boatman's  horn, 
summoning  the  passengers  on  board  for  a  start. 
Upon  asking  our  squatter  how  much  was  to  pay 
for  the  accommodations  of  the  night,  after  some 
deliberation,  as  suited  to  the  importance  of  the 
case,  and  the  admirable  opportunity  for  extortion^ 
we  were  told  that,  for  lodging  and  cider,  consider- 
ing that  his  folks  had  put  themselves  to  some  extra 
trouble  on  our  account,  six  cents  a  piece  would  be 
about  right  ;  which,  having  paid,  we  took  our 
leave  of  the  family  and  went  our  way.  By  a  re- 
ference to  the  memorandum-book  in  which  I  kept 
an  accurate  account  of  daily  expenses,  I  find  it 
written,  "  Paid  at  a  squatter's  cabin  for  lodging, 
two  cents  ;  and  for  as  much  new  cider  as  I  could 
drink,  four  cents  more — in  all,  six  cents." 

My  companion  paid  the  same  price  that  I  did, 
although  he  had,  in  addition  to  lodging  and  cider, 
his  mouth  two-thirds  full  of  broom-corn-seed,  which 
left  no  room  to  doubt  that  the  rats  and  the  mice 
of  this  cabin  were  wont  to  pass  off  upon  strangers 
such  tricks  as  would  be  little  likely  to  induce  one 
to  spend  a  second  night  under  the  squatter's  roof. 
For  these  extra  demonstrations  of  attention  which 
my  travelling  companion  received,  he  would,  at 
the  Astor-House  in  Broadway,  have  been  charged 
fifty  cents,  at  least. 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  167 

Whenever  we  meet  with  any  thing  which  is 
uncommon,  either  in  form  or  in  dimensions,  we  are 
generally  entertained  and  often  much  delighted. 
Hence,  an  ox  with  wings,  or  a  grasshopper  of  the 
size  of  a  dog,  would  constitute  attractions  that 
would  be  sure  to  command  the  most  "  crowded 
houses."  In  some  respects,  the  captain  of  our 
boat  was  a  curiosity  no  less  rare  than  would  be 
such  an  ox  or  such  a  grasshopper.  He  was  short, 
fat,  and  greasy.  His  hair  was  long,  bushy,  and 
snarled,  and  was  as  red  as  it  was  tangled.  No 
prudent  currycomb  would  hazard  an  encounter 
with  such  an  adversary.  Indeed,  it  would  have 
proved  fatal  even  to  an  iron  rake,  to  have  attempt- 
ed the  molestation  of  this  knotted  nest.  Such  is 
the  foolish  vanity  of  the  human  heart,  that  we  of- 
ten see  men  proud  even  of  their  vices,  when  they 
have  nothing  else  of  which  to  boast.  But  when 
the  ruling  propensities  are  of  a  more  peaceable 
order,  combining  something  either  of  fear  or  of 
respect  for  the  laws  of  the  land,  we  see  men  taking 
some  pains  to  show  off  their  personal  deformities. 
This  was  the  ambition  of  our  hero.  Nature  and 
neglect  had  furnished  him  with  a  head  of  hair 
which  secured  to  him  a  matchless  pre-eminence, 
not  to  be  bartered  for  the  glory  of  any  other  crown. 
He  seldom  was  seen  with  any  covering  upon  his 
head,  other  than  that  which  nature  had    placed 


J  68  A    SHORT    STORY   OF 

there.  If  his  own  account  be  true,  he  was  born 
with  a  head  of  hair  that  a  full  grown  spaniel-dog 
might  well  have  coveted  ;  and  his  mother,  taking 
the  hint  which  the  circumstance  suggested,  called 
him  Esau.  His  sirname  was  Savage,  which,  so 
far  as  names  can  go  or  do,  was  a  sufficient  indica- 
tion of  fearless  intrepidity  ;  but  as  his  sirname  did 
not  to  him  seem  to  exert  any  commanding  agency, 
in  directing  to  his  head  of  hair  the  attention  of 
those  who  should  have  occasion  to  address  him, 
every  one  who  wished  to  keep  on  his  right  side  by 
flattering  his  weak  side,  did  not  fail  to  call  him 
Capt.  Esau,  instead  of  Capt.  Savage.  He  was  a 
man  of  powerful  physical  strength,  and  could  lift 
a  hogshead  of  molasses  with  as  little  effort  as  any 
of  his  men  could  move  a  gallon-bottle.  Such  men 
are  generally  marked  by  their  evenness  of  temper, 
good  nature,  and  self-possession.  Conscious  of 
their  own  superior  muscular  powers  and  of  their  * 
consequent  security  from  insult  and  abuse,  they 
are  slow  to  anger,  and  patient  under  reproaches 
from  those  who  have  but  the  will,  without  the 
power  to  do  the  harm  they  would.  Little  Penny 
may,  in  perfect  security,  bark  at  old  Jowler  all  day. 
So  a  dwarf  of  fifty  pounds,  may  safely  threaten 
the  face  and  eyes  of  a  giant,  till  his  excitement 
shall  subside  in  sleep. 

We  were  several  days  on  the  river,  before  we 


A    LONG    JOURNEY,  169 

reached  our  destined  port;  but  during  all  this 
time,  I  am  pleased  to  say  that,  in  no  instance  did 
I  witness  from  our  Captain  the  slightest  demon- 
strations of  excitement.  With  all  his  eccentrici- 
ties of  character,  and  with  all  his  native  rudeness 
of  manners,  unlearned  and  unpolished  as  he  was, 
he  had  the  prudence  and  the  good  sense  which 
thousands,  of  fairer  form,  fairer  face,  and  more 
elevated  opportunities,  might  well  look  up  to  for 
an  example,  to  shux  the  bottle  !  Whatever 
might  have  been  his  manner  of  expressing  his  rule 
of  action,  his  practice  was,  touch  not,  taste  not, 
handle  not.  And  were  Pope  to  revise  his  Essay 
on  Man,  to  the  assertion  that  '*  an  honest  man  is 
the  noblest  work  of  God,"  he  would  add  that  a 
total  abstinence  man  comes  next  in  the  scale  of  no- 
bility. Captain  Esau  was  a  good  pilot,  a  rigidly 
temperate  man,  and  therefore  a  safe  man  ;  and 
1  sooner  would  I  trust  myself  in  descending  the  Ohio 
and  Mississippi  with  such  a  pilot,  even  though  his 
bushy  head  should  occasionally  be  by  others  mis- 
taken for  a  hay-stack,  than  to  risk  my  life  under 
the  gentlemanly  command  of  a  boozy,  gold-chain, 
and  tipsy  cassimer,  crowned  by  an  intoxicated 
beaver,  the  cover  to  a  head  that  might  mistake 
itself  for  a  hogs-head  of  rum. 

At  the  time  of  which  1  speak,  to  be  so  rigidly 
abstemious  as  was  Capt.  Esau,  so  far  was  public 
15 


170  A    SHORT    STORY   OF 

opinion  from  regarding  it  as  an  essential  virtue  or 
as  an  example  which  any  one  could  be  required  to 
follow,  tnat  it  was  esteemed  by  some  (particularly 
in  reference  to  our  hero,)  as  an  act  of  vanity  die- 
tated  by  a  love  of  notoriety ;  for  the  customary 
usages  of  the  times  did  not  demand  of  any  one, 
whether  in  high  rank  or  in  humble  rank,  to  put  in 
practice  any  of  those  self-denying  principles  of 
which  "  Total  Abstinence"  was  then,  and  is  now 
to  many,  so  frightfully  significant.  But  whatever 
might  have  bsen  the  motive  that  actuated  our  cap- 
tain, his  practice  was  commendable  ;  for  it  was  this 
singular  trait  in  his  character,  denied  or  confessed, 
that  secured  to  him  the  confidence  of  his  employ- 
ers, the  authority  connected  with  his  trust,  and  the 
extra  wages  that  crowned  the  conditions  of  his 
indentures  ;  and,  fortunately  for  the  present  and 
the  rising  generation,  they  are  permitted  to  imi- 
tate the  example  which  we  have  introduced,  with- 
out hazarding  the  imputation  that  eccentricity  of 
conduct  may  be  supposed  to  imply. 

I  have  said  that  Capt.  Esau  was  no  less  remarka- 
ble for  his  physical  powers  than  for  his  equanimity 
of  temper — the  latter  being,  as  we  have  contended, 
the  consequent  result  of  the  former.  On  the  third 
day  of  our  journey  down  the  river,  an  occurrence 
took  place,  that  put  our  captain's  energies  in  full 
requisition.     Two  of  the  hands,  after  having,  in 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  171 

spite  of  the  captain's  better  example,  taken  rather 
freely  of  that  of  which  a  little  is  a  great  deal  too 
much,  became  noisy  and  quarrelsome,  until  at 
length  the  two  belligerents  were  upon  the  point  of 
blows.  Our  captain  had  already  spoken  to  these 
men  two  or  three  times  without  effect,  and  he  saw 
the  necessity  of  resorting  to  some  more  efficient 
means  ;  so  he  very  deliberately  walked  up  to  the 
disputants,  and  first  took  one  by  the  collar  of  his 
coat  and  by  the  seat  of  his  pantaloons,  and  pitched 
him  head  first  into  the  river,  with  as  much  ease 
as  he  would  have  tossed  over  board  a  fleece  of 
wool  ;  then  took  the  second  man  in  the  same 
manner,  and  served  him  in  the  same  way.  I  shud- 
dered for  the  consequences  ;  but  the  captain  knew 
the  river  better  than  I  did,  and  I  made  my  best  ef- 
fort to  be  tranquil  in  reliance  upon  his  better  judg- 
ment. It  was  evident,  however,  that  the  captain 
was  himself  a  little  disappointed  in  the  depth  of 
the  water  ;  for  had  it  been  six  inches  deeper,  the 
poor  fellows  would  never  have  had  another  quarrel 
on  this  side  of  that  place  where  they  do  nothing 
but  quarrel.  But,  fortunately,  they  were  not 
drowned  ;  and,  much  to  the  relief  of  my  nerves, 
they  were  soon  on  board  again,  as  cool  as  two 
cucumbers,  as  mild  as  good  weather,  and  as  com- 
pliant as  a  windmill. 

On  the  third  day,  my  morning  meal  exhausted 


172  A    SHORT    STORY    OF 

the  last  remains  of  my  stock  of  provisions  ;  and 
when  dinner-time  came  round,  I  found  myself  in 
that  predicament  in  which  the  importunity  of  a 
good  appetite  never  fails  to  place  one  who  has  no- 
thing to  eat.  I  could  have  begged  or  purchased 
a  dinner  of  my  fellow-sinners  ;  for,  after  all,  they 
were,  in  their  own  way,  a  good  hearted  assembly 
of  quadrupeds,  and,  no  doubt,  upon  application  be- 
ing made,  would  have  ordered  a  contribution  that 
would  have  supplied  my  wants.  But  it  will  be  re- 
collected that  I  had  of  late  become  a  convert  to 
the  doctrines  of  aristocracy,  and  that  I  could  not, 
consistently  with  my  new  profession,  partake  of 
their  bounty,  lest  thereby  I  should  find  imposed 
upon  me  the  necessity  of  reciprocating  their  ci- 
vilities. So  I  made  up  my  mind  that,  of  two  evils, 
to  go  without  dinner  would  bo  the  least.  The  af- 
ternoon soon  passed  away,  and  the  sun  having  fin- 
ished his  day's  work,  we  resolved  to  follow  his 
example  ;  and  as  it  happened,  we  were  at  this 
time  within  a  {e\v  rods  of  a  snug  little  village.  I 
was  among  the  number  that  went  ashore  to  spend 
the  night.  My  supper  cost  me  twenty-five  cents  ; 
but,  having  eaten  no  dinner,  it  cost  the  landlord 
all  of  double  that  amount.  But,  for  this  once,  I 
consulted  appetite,  not  conscience.  Had  he  de- 
manded more,  I  should  have  paid  more  ;  but  as  he 
made  no  complaint,  I  made  no  confession,  although 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  ITS 

I  must  now  acknowledge  that,  during  the  night,  I 
suffered  some  of  the  penalties  which  await  excess. 
One  of  my  fellow-passengers  who  took  supper  with 
me,  proposed  an  apology  to  the  dogs  and  the  cats 
that  surrounded  the  table  in  waiting  for  the  frag- 
ments ;  for  on  this  occasion,  (poor,  starved  crea- 
tures,) they  were  deprived  of  their  customary  al- 
lotment of  crumbs. 

After  supper,  having  noticed  lying  on  the  mantel, 
piece  a  book  of  respectable  dimensions,  I  took  it 
down  with  an  intention  to  amuse  myself  a  while 
with  its  contents.  The  obliging  landlord  furnished 
me  with  an  old-fashioned  iron  candle-stick,  whose 
socket  was  large  enough  to  admit  a  corn-cob,  con-; 
taining  a  tallow-candle  a  trifle  larger  than  a  rat's 
tail. 

The  former  having  been  constructed  upon  liberal 
principles,  and  the  latter  having  been  fashioned 
under  the  superintending  direction  of  a  frugal  if  not 
a  parsimonious  spirit,  the  two  together  did  not  con- 
stitute a  good  looking  and  well  behaved  couple. 
The  consequence  of  this  disproportion  of  things  was, 
that  the  candle  stood  in  a  position  whereby  it  might 
have  been  mistaken  for  a  pocket  well-sweep  point- 
ing from  earth  to  Jupiter,  like  a  gun-barrel  levelled 
at  a  squirrel  dining  on  acorns  in  the  top  of  an  oak. 
Lamp-oil  and  melted  tallow  are  always  faithfully 
obedient  to  the  laws  of  gravity.  Let  them  have 
15* 


174  A    SHORT    STORY    OF 

their  own  way,  and  they  are  sure  to  run  down  hill. 
Standing  as  my  candle  did,  in  such  an  oblique  di- 
rection, in  a  few  minutes,  more  than  two-thirds  of 
it  was  transformed  into  a  puddle  of  hot  tallow,  stand- 
ing on  the  top  of  the  table — affording  a  find  oppor- 
tunity for  the  children  to  amuse  themselves  by  swim- 
ming their  toy-ducks. 

During  this  transformation  of  candle-grease,  I 
had  taken  a  glance  at  the  book  above  alluded  to, 
which  proved  to  be  Lorenzo  Dow's  Journal  (not  of 
"  Commerce,"  but)  of  his  Life  and  Travels.  I  felt 
as  if  I  had  about  as  much  as  I  could  weU  attend  to, 
in  keeping  an  account  of  my  own  affairs  and  in  de- 
vising wa}^s  and  means  wherewith  to  defray  the 
expenses  of  my  own  travels,  without  spending  much 
time  over  Lorenzo  Dow.  Besides,  I  had  seen  the 
book  before  ;  so  I  returned  it  to  the  shelf,  and  asked 
to  ba  shown  to  my  lodging  apartment.  The  obli- 
ging landlord  was  ag  tin  at  my  service,  and  led  the 
way  to  a  bed-room  where  I  was  to  spend  the  night. 
The  room  was  very  small,  and  very  low  between 
joints.  The  bedstead  was  narrow,  and  as  weak  in 
the  joints  as  the  room  was  low  between  them.  The 
cord  to  the  bedstead  had  probably  not  been  tightened 
since  the  birth  of  their  oldest  child,  who  was  now 
about  twelve  years  old.  My  table  and  wash-stand 
were  ancient  and  almost  destitute  of  any  joints  at 
all.     If  the  story  of  Methuselah  furnishes  us  with  a 


A    LONG    JOURNEY.  175 

most  remarkable  instance  of  long  life  ;  so  also  of 
my  table  and  stand,  could  their  history  be  accurately 
traced,  they  would  be  found  to  furnish  a  second  in- 
stance of  extraordinary  longevity.  My  door  had 
but  one  hinge  on  it,  and  that  one  was  loose,  and 
complained  of  being  lonesome.  The  lock  on  my 
door  looked  well  enough  at  a  distance  ;  but,  upon 
close  inspection,  I  found  that  it  had  the  lockjaw, 
and  that  the  only  security  it  afforded,  was  to  be 
found  in  external  signification. 

But,  after  all,  I  slept  sound!}'  enough,  making 
some  allowance  for  the  bad  effect  from  having  eaten 
too  much  supper  ;  and  I  do  not  furnish  this  inven- 
tory of  defects  for  the  purpose  of  reproaching  the 
keeper  of  the  house.  The  accommodations  were  as 
good  as  the  newness  of  the  country,  the  general 
condition  of  things,  and  the  slender  amount  of  pat- 
ronage that  could  reasonably  be  anticipated,  would 
support.  Instead  of  complaint,  I  had  much  reason 
to  be  gratified  that  I  was  so  well  provided  for.  Paid 
my  bill  in  the  morning,  with  due  thanks  and  becom- 
ing acknowledgements  for  the  comfortable  provis- 
ions and  obliging  attentions  with  which  I  was  favored 
during  my  short  stay  at  this  village  hotel.  Went 
on  board  the  boat,  and,  for  the  fourth  and  last  day, 
I  was  numbered  as  a  passenger  among  a  goodly 
group,  not  one  of  whom,  from  that  time  to  this,  has 
it  been  my  good,  ill,  or  indifferent  fortune  to  meet 
and  to  recognize. 


176    A  SHORT  STORY  OF  A  LONG  JOTJRKEY* 

Were  I  to  conjecture  their  destiny,  I  should  say 
that,  in  all  probability,  some  of  them  have  become 
good  and  substantial  farmers,  some  gone  to  the  prac- 
tice of  law,  some  to  preaching,  some  have  been 
drowned,  and  some  massacred  by  the  Indians  ;  and 
while  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  some  of  them  have  turned 
from  their  evil  ways,  it  is  at  the  same  time  to  be 
feared  that  more  have  turned  drunkards,  that  some 
of  them  have  turned  pirates,  some  turned  paupers, 
and  that  others  have  turned  into  Slate-prison.  For 
myself,  as  it  is  now  eleven  o'clock  at  night,  I  shalt 
forthwith  turn  into  bed. 


'"^^ilillliiiSyli^ 


THE   DEER  LICK, 


A  Temperance  Sermon,  said  to  have  been  delivered  to  a  select  congrega- 
tion in  Illinois,  by — somebody. 


My  text  is  selected  from  that  portion  of  the  prai- 
rie called  the  Deer-Lick  ;  and  my  design  is, 
I.  To  explain  the  text. 

II.  To  state  and  illustrate  the  doctrine.     And, 
III.  To  make  a  practical  applcation. 
1.  I  am  to  explain  the  text. 

A  lick  is  a  salt  spring,  so  called  from  the  circum- 
stance that  the  earth  about  it  is  so  impregnated  with 
valine  paricles,  as  to  be  licked  by  the  deer,  the  bi- 


178  THE    DEER   LICK. 

son,  and  other  animals.  These  licks  abound  on  the 
waters  of  the  Kanahwa  in  Virginia,  the  Muskin- 
gum in  Ohio,  near  Shawneetown  in  Illinois,  on  the 
Licking  in  Kentucky,  and  generally  in  the  Western 
States.  Who  that  has  travelled  from  Maysville  to 
Lexington,  and  has  stopped  to  quaff  a  tumbler  of 
the  Blue  Lick  water,  will  ever  forget  its  taste  or  its 
smell  1  Bless  me  !  if  all  the  delicious  things  in  a 
drug-shop,  assafoetida,  castor-oil,  Epsom-salts,  and 
rhubarb,  were  beaten  together  in  a  vast  mortar, 
they  would  make  composition  nothing  like  it. 

A  lick  is  also  any  place  without  salt,  visited  by 
animals  for  the  sake  of  gratifying  their  taste.  Licks 
of  this  description  are  numerous  in  the  West ;  and 
though  they  abhor  water  as  Nature  does  a  vacuum, 
there  are  many  of  them  on  our  principal  water- 
courses. 

They  may  be  known  by  certain  infallible  signs. 

One  is,  that  the  animals  visiting  them,  are  of 
one  kind  only,  and  that  peculiar.  They  have  two 
legs,  and  yet  have  neither  wings  nor  feathers. 

Another  is,  that  these  animals  are  inclined  to  be 
both  noisy  and  filthy — noisy  as  the  moon-eyed  bird 
of  the  forest,  and  filthy  as  the  African  goat. 

Another  is,  that  beaten  paths  usually  lead  to 
them. 

Another,  that  these  licks  usually  have  accommo- 
dations neither  for  man  nor  beast,  both  of  which 
they  are  required  to  keep,  by  law* 


THE    DEER    LICK.  179 

Another  is,  that  those  who  lick  there,  often  get 
licked  themselves. 

2.  I  am  to  state  and  illustrate  the  doctrine. 

The  doctrine  of  the  text  is,  with  a  little  change 
in  the  orthography,  that  the  lick  is  dear. 

It  is  dear,  whether  we  consider  its  cost  or  its  con- 
sequences. 

Look  at  its  cost.  He  who  licks  at  the  rate  of  12 
cents  a  day,  licks  away  43  dollars  and  80  cents  in 
a  year,  which  in  twenty  years,  without  interest, 
amounts  to  the  round  sum  of  876  dollars  !  Enough 
to  build  a  comfortable  house,  buy  a  good  farm,  or 
educate  a  son  at  college. 

He  who  licks  at  the  rate  of  one  pint  a  day,  swal- 
lows 46  gallons  in  a  year ;  and  in  twenty  years, 
920  gallons,  or  28  barrels  and  24  gallons !  And 
this,  at  one  dollar  a  gallon,  would  purchase  786  acres 
of  Congress  land  ! 

To  lick  so  much,  must  cost  time,  at  least  one 
hour  a  day,  365  days  in  a  year — about  one  whole 
year  in  twenty.  And  who  can  afford  to  part  with 
so  much  time,  without  a  compensation  of  some  four 
or  five  hundred  dollars  ? 

But  the  cost  of  licking  is  nothing,  compared  with 
the  consequences. 

It  leads  to  insanity.  I  have  seen  the  animals 
which  lick  there,  raving  mad.  Of  495  patients  in 
one  insane  hospital,  267  were  known  to  have 
brought  on  their  derangement  in  this  way. 


180  THE    iJEEK    LICK. 

It  leads  to  crime.  Almost  all  the  criminal  cases 
which  come  before  our  courts,  are  occasioned  the 
same  way. 

It  leads  to  disease  and  premature  death. 

So  every  intelligent  physician  will  testify,  who 
has  not  been  poisoned  at  the  lick.  This  is  the  tes- 
timony of  75  physicians  in  Boston,  of  45  in  Cincin- 
nati, and  of  the  great  body  of  physicians  throughout 
the  United  States. 

It  leads  to  wretchedness. 

There  is  no  fiction  here.  Look  into  the  family 
whose  head  is  in  the  habit  of  frequenting  the  lick, 
and  if  you  find  wretchedness  any  where  on  earth, 
you  find  it  there — wretchedness  alive,  and  no  mis- 
take. 

It  leads  to  ruin,  temporal  and  eternal. 

What  is  one  of  those  animals  which  staggers  and 
vomits  about  the  lick,  good  for  ?  Neither  for  the 
land  nor  for  the  dunghill — neither  for  this  world 
nor  for  the  next.  He  is  not  fit  even  to  wallow  with 
the  decent  swine.  When  a  mule  has  served  his 
generation  faithfully,  in  pulling  a  dray,  and  can 
stand  on  all  fours  no  longer,  his  hide  is  of  some 
value  ;  but  not  so  with  the  animals  ruined  at  the 
lick,  for,  living  and  dead,  they  are  a  curse  to  them- 
selves and  others. 

Thus,  whether  we  consider  the  cost  or  the  con- 
sequences of  licking,  it  is  extremely  dear. 


THE    DEER   LICK.  181 

B.  The  application. 

I  take  it  for  granted,  that  none  of  my  hearers  are 
in  the  habit  of  frequenting  the  lick  ;  yet  there  are 
those  who  do,  and  to  such  you  have  a  duty  to  per- 
form. 

Tell  the  mechanic  that  if  he  would  save  his  cash, 
his  character,  his  health,  and  his  happiness  ;  if  he 
would  have  a  good  house  to  cover  his  gray  hairs,  a 
good  wife  whose  heart  will  beat  in  unison  with  his 
own,  and  good  children  to  rock  the  cradle  of  his  de- 
clining years,  tell  him  to  keep  away  from  the  lick. 

Tell  the  farmer,  if  he  would  not  earn  wages  to 
put  into  a  bag  with  holes,  if  he  would  not  sow  to  the 
wind  and  reap  to  the  whirlwind,  if  he  would  not  till 
the  mortgaged  farm  of  the  sluggard  and  leave  his 
children  to  inherit  only  the  reputation  which  drunk- 
enness bequeaths — tell  him  to  avoid  the  lick. 

Tell  the  professional  man  to  beware  of  the  lick, 
to  shun  it  as  he  would  the  poisonous  tree  of  Java  or 
the  Sirocco  of  the  desert  ;  that,  instead  of  becom- 
ing more  learned,  wiser,  or  better,  he  will  soon  be 
the  reverse  for  going  there. 

Entreat  the  old  to  take  the  old  road  round,  rather 
than  go  by  the  lick  ;  and,  in  the  words  of  the  wise 
man,  exhort  the  young  :  "  Hearken  unto  me  now, 
therefore,  O  ye  children,  and  attend  to  the  words  of 
my  mouth.  Let  not  thy  heart  decline  to  her  ways, 
go  not  astray  in  her  paths.  For  she  hath  cast  down 
16 


V 


182  THE   DEER   LICK. 

many  wounded,  yea,  many  strong  men  have  been 
slain  by  her.  Her  house  is  the  way  to  hell,  going 
down  to  the  chambers  of  death. " 


BIOGRAPHY  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 


The  publisher  begs  leave  to  introduce  to  the  reader,  the  author  of  this 
work,  as  he  was  in  early  life.  Early  risinsr,  industry,  frugality,  temper- 
ance, and  scrupulous  integrity,  are  the  chief  sources  of  health,  camp^, 
lence,  honor,  and  peate. 


BIOGRAPHY  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 


I  was  born  a  little  boy,  as  I  have  reason  to  sup- 
pose, although  my  early  employments  were  of  a 
mixed  kind — some  in  door  and  some  out.  In  my 
babyhood  days,  I  did  my  share  of  crying  and  rather 
more  than  my  share  of  mischief ;  for,  as  I  have  been 
informed,  when  I  was  not  Crying  myself,  I  would 
steal  the  opportunity  to  scratch  my  little  brothers 
face,  (he  being  only  a  few  short  months  younger 
than  myself,)  in  order  to  set  him  at  it.  Thus,  the 
house  was  furnished  with  music,  such  as  it  was, 
without  intermission,  (and  without  much  expense,) 
excepting  when  (as  good  luck  would  sometimes  per- 
mit) we  were  both  asleep  at  one  time* 

The  place  of  my  nativity  is  distinguished  by  no* 
thing  of  peculiar  interest,  except  it  be  the  difficulty 
of  obtaining  an  honest  living,  even  by  those  who 
labor  early  and  late  for  it.  Chickens  must  be  hatch- 
ed where  the  old  hen  lays  her  eggs,  peradventure, 
sometimes  on  the  hay-mow,  from  which  they  can- 
not descend  without  risk  of  limb  and  life  ;  and  some- 
times in  the  hollow  stump  of  a  tree,  there  to  stay 
and  starve,  unless  relieved  by  the  kindness  of  human 
16* 


180  EiouHAimr, 

agency.  So  with  children, — those  who  are  born  at 
all,  must  be  born  somewhere.  It  is  not  the  fortune 
of  every  child  1o  be  born  in  a  palace  ;  nor  even  in 
a  place  where  a  palace  would  not  form  a  gaudy  con- 
trast to  surrounding  objects,  such  as  seemed  to  have 
been  formed  in  a  hurry  and  of  rough  material* 
There  are  certain  portions  of  this  our  earth, —  fair 
by  equation, — that  might  remind  one  of  the  disor- 
derly compound  of  tables,  chairs,  beds  and  bedding, 
looking-glasses,  books,  wash-tubs,  pots,  kettles,  and 
muslin  dresses,  huddled  into  the  middle  of  the  street, 
to  avoid  the  fate  of  a  burning  house.  About  twelve 
or  fourteen  miles  from  New-Haven,  in  the  town  of 
Cheshire,  in  the  State  of  Connecticut,  there  is  such 
a  place,  and  there  it  is  that  I  was  born.  .  About 
forty  rods  from  the  cottage  in  which  I  was  cradled, 
was  a  wide  spread  swamp,  liberally  productive  of 
poisonous  copper-heads,  alder-bushes,  black-birds, 
sour  grapes,  and  bull-frogs.  Immediately  in  the  rear 
of  this  homestead  of  mud,  is  seen  a  towering  moun- 
tain of  rock,  forming  a  sort  of  huge  eyebrow  dark- 
ened by  jealous  apprehension,  wanting  only  the  pow- 
er of  utterance,  to  say  this  swamp  is  my  swamp  ;  let 
my  vengeance  fall  upon  the  man  who  ventures  to 
meddle  with  my  swamp.  If  we  face  to  the  right  about 
we  behold  a  field,  else  barren,  productive  of  black- 
berry vines  and  briers,  sweet-fern,  pennyroyal 
and  wild  hyssop, — a  favorite  place  for  whippoor- 


BIOGRAPHY.  187 

Wills  to  nestle  and  hatch  their  young.  So  much  for 
the  place  of  my  nativity. 

Of  my  ancestors  I  know  little  or  nothing  in  the 
line  of  genealogy,  farther  back  than  my  parents. 
Of  them  I  know  of  much  good  and  no  harm. 

I  am  perfectly  satisfied,  however,  that  were  the 
course  of  my  descent  thoroughly  investigated,  it 
would  prove  to  be  as  bright,  as  ancient  and  as  hon- 
orable as  that  of  other  more  distinguished  individu- 
als, who  have  thought  the  butcher  and  the  baker 
well  paid,  by  being~"permitted  to  serve  a  customer 
of  noble  birth.  Let  the  low  and  the  vulgar  pay  for 
what  they  eat  and  wear,  but  never  think  of  degra- 
ding a  family  of  high  extraction,  by  requiring  them 
to  earn  that  which  they  consume.  It  would  be  cru- 
elty to  deprive  them  of  a  single  luxury  for  the  pur- 
pose of  remunerating  those  whose  early  rising  and 
unceasing  toil  have  supplied  the  daily  wants  of  a 
noble  customer. 

I  have  no  ambition  to  know  when  nor  where  the 
first  man  by  the  name  of  Preston,  lived,  nor  am  I 
anxious  to  learn  what  business  he  followed  for  a 
living.  I  have  a  right  to  conjecture  that  he  was 
Secretary  of  State,  under  the  administration  of  King 
Solomon.  Possibly  he  was  Colonel  in  the  army 
in  the  service  of  Caesar.  At  the  same  time  I  am 
just  as  well  pleased  to  admit  that  he  was  one  of  the 
first  settlers  on  the  banks  of  Jordan,  and  that  he  fol- 


188  BIOGRAPHY. 

lowed  fishing,  fowling  and  trapping  for  a  support. 
There  are  at  the  present  day,  individuals  by  the 
name  of  Preston,  who  make  no  small  figure  in  the 
world.  It  is  a  name  that  is  associated  with  Clay, 
Webster,  and  Adams,  in  the  high  councils  of  the 
nation.  On  the  other  hand,  I  doubt  not  that  the 
name  is  a  familiar  one  at  Botany  Bay  ;  and  I  claim 
just  as  much  relationship  in  the  one  case,  as  I  admit 
to  exist  in  the  other,  and  no  more. 

I  like  to  read  the  biography  of  General  Washing- 
ton, because  it  is  said  of  him  that  when  a  child,  hav- 
ing been  charged  with  the  fault  of  cutting  down  a 
valuable  cherry-tree  that  stood  in  the  garden,  he 
had  the  honesty  and  the  courage  to  confess  the  act. 
And  I  like  also  to  read  the  biography  of  Benjamin 
Franklin,  because  he  mentions  that  his  father  was  a 
soap-boiler.  But  I  hold  in  proud  contempt,  that 
hereditary  title  to  respect  which  can  be  seen  only 
through  a  telescope  that  reaches  back  to  the  days 
of  an  uncle's  great-grand-father.  I  think  that  I 
have  somewhere  read  of  a  certain  Frenchman  by 
the  name  of  Lewis,  who  had  a  picture  hanging  in 
his  parlor,  in  which  Noah  was  represented  as  going 
into  the  ark,  carrying  under  his  arm  a  small  trunk, 
on  which  was  written  "  Papers  belonging  to  the 
Lewis  Family."  A  certain  Scotchman,  no  less 
vain  of  ancestral  honors,  declared  that  his  forefa- 
thers, long  before  Noah's  time,  had  an  ark  of  their 


BIOGRAPHY.  189 

own  ;  and  he  might  with  equal  truth  have  asserted 
that  this  family  ark  was  furnished  with  stolen  goods. 
There  are  not  a  few,  even  in  this  country,  who 
would  prido  themselves  on  carrying  about  their 
persons  a  perpetual  and  an  incurable  itch,  provided 
they  could  show  a  certificate  that  it  had  been  inher- 
ited as  a  family  badge  of  ancient  and  noble  origin. 
To  recite  the  names  and  occupations  of  a  long  list  of 
ancestors  ;  particularly  if  in  the  retrospective  view, 
one  can  make  himself  out  to  be  the  ninety-ninth 
descendant  of  a  select  breed  of  bipeds,  is  as  delight- 
ful as  it  is  truly  exalting.  Who  would  not  spend 
a  year  or  two  in  the  collection  of  documents  which 
shall  secure  to  him  the  honors,  the  rank  and  the 
privileges,  that  a  little  mixture  of  the  imported  gen- 
uine bug-horn  blood,  is  so  unequivocally  certain  to 
impart?  When  a  few  years  shall  have  rolled  away 
and  the  wonderful  deeds  of  men,  and  the  still  more 
w  onderful  deeds  of  horses  shall  have  become  so  far 
faded,  forgotten  or  confounded,  as  to  render  it  doubt- 
ful by  which  of  the  two  classes  of  animals  the  boast- 
ed exploits  were  performed,  with  what  an  air  of 
proud  satisfaction  will  it  be  affirmed  by  those  cove- 
tous of  ancestral  honors,  that  they  are  the  legitimate 
descendants  of  the  noble  Sir  Henry,  victorious 
Eclipse,  the  gallant  Duroc,  the  heroic  Childers,  or 
of  some  other  quadruped  of  contemporaneous  noto- 
riety 


190  BIOGRAPHY. 

What  a  glorious  age  will  that  be,  when  young 
aspirants  to  fame,  shall  misapprehendingly  appro- 
priate to  themselves  the  birthright  of  colts  1 

Such  reflected  merit,  however,  goes  but  a  little 
way  towards  supporting  a  family  ;  to  depend  upon 
it,  is  to  be  placed  on  short  allowance.  My  grand- 
father, on  one  side$  was  an  honest,  industrious,  and 
pious  farmer  ;  on  the  other  side,  the  trade  of  a  black- 
smith was  pursued.  As  for  my  great-grand-fathers, 
I  know  not  whether  they  were  corporals,  or  cap- 
tains, lawyers,  or  tanners  ;  nor  do  I  care  one  cent 
who  or  what  they  were. 

But  of  myself :  in  process  of  time,  I  became  older 
than  I  was  along  at  first,  and  the  tucks  in  my  frocks 
and  aprons,  which  fitted  very  well  in  the  beginning, 
were  let  out  to  accommodate  my  increased  growth. 
Nor  was  it  long  before  I  could  creep  about  the  house 
almost  with  the  velocity  of  a  spider.  I  became  a 
sort  of  perpetual  motion.  The  contents  of  the  dye- 
tub  were  more  than  once  strewed  about  the  floor, 
and  those  of  the  swill-pail  occasionally  shared  the 
same  fate.  In  short,  my  hands  were  in  every  thirig 
but  the  fire  ;  and  I  have  often  wondered  how  it  hap- 
pened, that  curiosity  had  not  led  me  to  try  that. 
My  next  degree  in  the  march  of  improvement,  was 
to  get  upon  my  feet ;  and  in  a  short  time  I  could 
move  about  in  an  upright  position.  This  use  of  my 
limbs  proved  quite  a  labor-saving  acquisition ;  fo? 


BIOGRAPHY.  191 

now  I  could  perform  more  mischief  in  one  day,  than 
I  could  before  in  two.  The  circle  of  my  operations 
was  now  enlarged.  Every  nook  and  corner  became 
subject  to  my  inspection.  Prohibitions  were  as 
soon  forgotten  as  uttered  ;  and  had  a  good  tingling* 
rod  witnessed  the  chastisement  of  my  offences,  a  de- 
gree of  reformation  might  have  followed  ;  or  had  I 
received  one  cent  reward  for  each  of  my  heedless 
transgressions,  I  should  have  had  money  enough  to 
purchase  a  new  checkered  apron  at  the  close  of 
every  week. 

Time  rolled  along  and  I  rolled  along  with  it,  un- 
til it  was  thought  that  I  was  old  enough  to  go  to 
school,  when  it  was  resolved  that  I  should  make  a 
beginning.  Accordingly,  on  Monday  morning, 
after  having  my  face  washed,  and  hair  combed,  I 
was  rigged  out  for  the  first  time  in  a  suit  of  boy's 
clothes,  suited  to  the  occasion,  and  befitting  my  age. 
This  was  a  happy  transition,  super-atively  grand  ; 
it  was  the  proudest  day  of  my  life  :  and  never  since 
that  moment,  could  I  create  in  imagination,  the  dig- 
nity  and  superiority  of  my  sex,  by  which  I  then  fan- 
cied myself  so  much  exalted.  Let  the  anniversa- 
ry of  that  day  be  passed  in  celebration  ;  for  it  was 
a  day  on  which  for  the  first  time  I  was  habited  in 
boifs  clothes.  There  are  in  one's  life,  from  first  to 
last,  four  occasions  of  peculiar  interest ;  that  of 
our  birth,  that  which  we  have  just  mentioned,  the 


192 


BIOGRAPHY. 


day  of  marriage,  and  that  of  final  exit.  What  may 
well  be  considered  of  additional  importance,  as  a 
connection  of  cause  and  effect,  this  was  the  day  on 
which  I  commenced  a  course  of  education,  without 
which  this  story  would  never  have  been  told.  Well, 
so  it  was,  when  all  things  were  properly  adjusted, 
and  my  dinner-basket  well  furnished  with  bread 
and  butter,  a  piece  of  gingerbread  and  a  roasted  ap- 
ple, I  sat  out,  with  some  reluctance  it  is  true  ;  but 
my  new  clothes  inspired  me  with  courage,  and  I  per- 
severed, till  at  length  I  found  myself  in  the  school- 
room, seated  on  a  bench  with  a  row  of  little  urchins, 
whose  errand  there  was,  like  that  of  my  own,  to 
learn  the  ABC.  Here  commences  the  task  of  years  ; 
and  how  fortunate  it  is,  that  the  thoughtless,  unsus- 
pecting-child knows  nothing  of  the  magnitude  of  the 
work  which  is  placed  before  him  ! — a  labor  equal 
to  the  fortitude  of  mature  strength,  bodily  and  men- 
tal. 

As  ignorant  as  I  was  of  my  letters,  I  was  equally 
deficient  in  the  requisite  skill  for  navigating  in  boy's 
clothes ;  and  but  for  the  precaution  of  the  school- 
dame,  and  the  friendly  aid  of  some  of  the  older  boys, 
I  might  have  regretted  that  I  had  been  rigged  out  in 
a  dress  of  such  complicated  construction.  Indeed  I 
had  enough  to  do  for  the  first  day,  in  learning  the 
peculiarities  of  my  jacket  and  trowsers,  not  to  think 
much  about  my  alphabet.    The  day  however  passsed 


BIOGRAPHY.  193 

away  under  favorable  auspices,  and  nothing  trans- 
pired worthy  of  note,  excepting  when  on  my  way 
home,  after  school,  in  company  with  other  little 
boys,  while  chasing  the  butterflies  from  one  side 
of  the  road  to  the  other,  I  unluckily  made  a  mis- 
step, and  fell  my  whole  length  into  a  mud-puddle, 
which  so  soiled  my  clean  clothes,  that  on  arriving 
at  my  home,  I  was  obliged  to  resume  my  frock  and 
checkered  apron,  till  the  soiled  suit  could  be  wash- 
ed ;  for  as  yet  I  had  not  a  change  of  masculines  fin- 
ished. 

As  it  is  now,  so  it  was  then, — when  one  day 
had  passed  away,  another  followed  after  it ;  and 
just  so  it  was  with  weeks,  and  months,  and  }^ears ; 
and  with  the  exception  of  some  few  circumstances 
connected  with  that  eventful  period  when  first  I 
was  equipped  in  boy's  clothes,  my  memory  fails 
to  relate  any  thing  of  interest  until  I  arrived  at  the 
age  of  eight  or  nine  years,  when  for  the  first  time 
within  my  recollection,  I  felt  the  enchanting  in- 
fluence of  female  charms  taking  gentle  possession 
of  my  youthful  heart.  Susan  was  a  mere  child, 
younger,  even,  than  myself.  Her  eyes  were  two 
bright  and  sparkling  ornaments  of  her  modest  face  ; 
mild  and  placid  was  the  expression  of  her  counte- 
nance. How  durable  are  earthly  impressions ! 
The  harmony  of  her  features,  never  can  they  be 
erased  from  my  mind,  while  memory  retains  the 
17 


194  BIOGRAPHY. 

least  vestige  of  its  wonted  power.  What  would  1 
not  give  to  know  the  history  of  her  subsequent 
life,  if  but  to  know  it  were  a  story  of  health,  pros- 
perity and  happiness  !  but,  alas,  the  fear, — the  fear 
that  disappointment,  sorrow,  poverty,  sickness  and 
pain,  have  been  her  portion  !  It  is  enough  to  con- 
jecture her  fate, — too  much  to  know  it. 

I  have  said  that  Susan  was  the  first  girl  that  I 
loved, — there  were  more  than  a  dozen  that  I  loved 
afterwards  ;  but  not  more  than  two  or  three  out 
of  the  number  cared  one  cent  about  me.  I  was 
always  hesitating,  bashful,  confused  and  agitated, 
when  in  the  company  of  young  ladies,  and  young 
men  of  that  description  are  seldom  favorites  with 
the  lasses.  Common  sense,  superior  sense,  philos- 
ophy and  logic,  are  but  doubtful  passports  to  a 
young  lady's  esteem,  unless  diluted  with  a  great 
share  of  light  wit  and  prattle,  accompanied  with  a 
liberal  stock  of  assurance.  I  knew  a  gentleman 
who,  as  a  lawyer  and  a  statesman,  was  the  pride 
of  his  profession  and  the  boast  of  his  constituents. 
Hi3  intellectual  endowments  were  of  the  highest 
order.  Among  men  he  was  in  high  repute,  he 
was  of  sedate  and  of  dignified  deportment*  Among 
men,  he  was  a  man  indeed  ;  but  among  the  ladies, 
he  was  just  no  body  at  all.  He  knew  not  how  to 
make  an  obeisance,  or  pass  compliments  with  a 
lady,  except  under  the  guidance  of  logical  rules, 


BIOGRAPHY.  195 

and  this  did  not  answer  the  purpose ;  hence,  after 
one  or  two  unsuccessful  attempts  at  gallantry,  he 
abandoned  the  hope  of  matrimonial  bliss,  and  re- 
solved to  spend  his  days  in  single  blessedness, 
which  resolution  he  adhered  to  through  life.  So 
much  for  this  lawyer,  who  was  so  much  respected 
among  men,  and  so  little  esteemed  among  ladies. 

The  first  four  children  with  which  my  parents 
were— blessed,  (I  suppose  I  must  say,)  were  all 
boys ;  and  to  hire  a  girl  to  help  do  the  work  of  the 
house,  cost  money ;  consequently  I  was  often  call- 
ed upon  to  assist  in  sweeping  the  floor,  washing 
the  dishes,  shelling  peas  for  dinner,  and  churning 
the  cream ;  indeed,  I  believe  I  made  some  profi- 
ciency in  knitting,  and  twisting  coverlet  yarn  ;  and 
I  am  not  sure  that  my  present  taste  and  partiality 
for  mechanical  employments,  are  not  to  be  attrib- 
uted in  some  degree  to  the  variety  of  avocations 
in  which  I  was  alternately  exercised  in  my  young- 
er days.  I  would  not  omit  to  mention,  while  I 
think  of  it,  my  skill  in  chopping  meat  for  mince- 
pies,  dipping  candles,  dressing  a  fowl,  frying  dough- 
nuts, and  stuffing  sausages.  The  stuffing  of  sau- 
sages was  a  business  that  came  around  but  once 
in  a  year ;  and  ^o  far  as  periodical  recurrence  is 
concerned,  it  is  similar  to  the  business  of  making 
new  cider  in  the  fall,  and  of  washing  sheep  in  the 
spring.     One  day  in  each  year  is  also  rendered  no- 


106  BIOGRAPHY. 

table  by  the  butchering  of  swine,  the  blowing  up  of 
bladders,  and  by  a  dinner  of  fresh  pork  and  hog's 
liver.  With  farmer  boys,  these  are  all  occasions 
of  interest  and  amusement  ;  and  so  great  was  the 
satisfaction  that  I  always  realized  at  such  times, 
that  even  to  this  day  I  cannot  permit  the  recurring 
seasons  of  them  to  pass,  without  some  ceremony 
that  shall  attach  to  them  the  character  of  anniver- 
saries. Hence,  in  addition  to  new-year  day  and 
the  declaration  of  independence,  I  find  in  my  cat- 
alogue of  holy  days,  the  sausage  anniversary,  the 
new  eider  anniversary,  the  sheep-washing  anniversary 
and  the  bladder -blowing  anniversary ;  not  forgetting 
the  ever  memorable  occasion  when  first  I  was  dress- 
ed in  boy's  clothes. 

I  do  not  wish  it  understood,  that  because  I  was 
so  often  called  upon  to  assist  in  those  matters  of 
in-door  domestic  concerns,  that  I  remained  unac- 
quainted with  the  business  of  riding  horse,  planting 
corn,  weeding  onions,  raking  hay,  chopping  wood, 
digging  potatoes,  yoking  the  geese,  wiring  the 
pigs'  noses,  and  breaking  steers.  The  business  of 
breaking  steers  is  a  glorious  amusement  for  boys  ; 
but  it  is  enjoyment  at  the  cost  of  cruel  and  heedless 
torture,  inflicted  upon  the  poor  ill-fated  animal. 
My  first  essay  at  this  princely  diversion,  resulted 
in  a  disaster  that  frightened  me  out  of  at  least  a 
year's  growth. 


BIOGRAPHY.  197 

To  prevent  my  four-footed  pupils  from  turning 
their  yoke,  (for  total  depravity  extends  even  to 
brutes)  I  had  taken  the  precaution  to  tie  their  tails 
together  with  a  good  strong  cord.  Being  thus 
fastened  together  at  each  end,  they  were  compel- 
led to  move,  if  they  moved  at  all,  in  a  parallel  line 
of  direction,  one  with  the  other.  The  "breaking 
of  steers,"  when  interpreted  by  the  usual  discipline, 
signifies,  first,  to  pound  them  over  one  end  to  make 
them  move,  and  then  to  pound  them  on  the  other 
end  to  make  them  stand  still.  This  monarchical 
method  of  teaching  my  young  candidates  for  yoke 
honors,  their  first  lessons  in  the  "  arts  and  myste- 
ries "  of  civilization,  is  in  strict  accordance  with  the 
dictates  of  common  sense.  But  common  sense  is 
not  always  good  sense  ;  and  if  the  young  novices 
which  I  had  undertaken  to  drill,  were  wholly  re- 
gardless of  the  words  of  command,  it  was  a  worse 
error  on  my  part  to  attribute  their  disobedience  to 
a  spirit  of  wilful  obstinacy.  I  took  it  for  granted 
that  they  understood  enough  of  Walker  and  John- 
son (popular  works  of  the  day)  to  comprehend  at 
least  a  few  short  words  that  imply  right,  and  left, 
and  wheel,  go,  and  stand  still;  and  I  chastised 
them  accordingly.  Nor  is  this  the  only  instance 
that  could  be  related,  in  which  the  poor,  the  weak, 
and  the  ignorant,  are  daily  doomed  to  suffer  the 
two-fold  penalties  of  their  own  errors,  joined  to 
17* 


198  BIOGRAPHY. 

the  worse  faults  of 'their  more  wealthy  and  more 
powerful  neighbors.  It  is  the  love  of  power  that 
invests  the  chase  with  all  its  interest  and  all  its 
delights.  It  is  the  love  of  power  that  exults  alike 
in  the  destruction  of  an  owl,  a  wren,  or  of  an  hum- 
ble-bee. It  is  the  love  of  power  that  finds  ample 
compensation  for  a  hard  day's  work,  (with  the  loss 
of  dinner)  in  the  death  of  a  fox,  or  of  a  timid  de- 
fenceless deer.  Mankind  are  tyrants  by  nature, 
and  as  far  as  opportunity  permits,  tyrants  by  prac- 
tice. But  there  is  in  all  things  which  engage  the 
attention  of  men,  a  point  at  which  enjoyment  of 
pursuit,  and  fatigue  in  pursuing  ;  desire  and  sati- 
ety ;  are  co-extensive. 

Well,  after  tyrannizing  over  my  young  freshmen 
till  I  was  weary  of  glory,  I  returned  with  my  charge 
to  the  barn,  took  the  yoke  from  their  necks,  but 
forgot  first  to  untie  their  tails,  as  I  should  have 
done  ;  and,  as  was  very  natural,  one  pulled  one 
way  while  the  other  pulled  in  the  opposite  direc- 
tion. The  more  they  pulled,  the  more  their  tails 
would  not  get  loose  ;  that  is,  they  would  not  get 
loose  in  the  right  spot,  but,  judging  from  the  crack- 
ing of  joints,  they  did  get  loose  where  nature  de- 
signed they  should  stay  tight.  I  did  the  best  that 
I  could  do,  which  was,  to  stand  and  look  on,  and 
see  them  pull,  and  hear  the  joints  of  their  tails 
snap,  while  I  called  for  help. 


BIOGRAPHY,  199 

There  lived  in  the  neighborhood  an  old,  colored 
man,  commonly  called  Uncle  Ishmael,  the  only  col- 
ored person  that  I  had  ever  seen  ;  and  who,  as  far 
as  I  knew  or  even  conjectured,  was  the  only  man 
of  sable  skin  that  ever  lived  upon  the  face  of  the 
earth.  Well  might  he  be  called  Uncle,  for  his  black, 
curly  hair  was  as  white  as  wool ;  and  when  he 
walked  over  the  ground,  his  main-top  was  so  much 
bent  over,  that,  to  all  appearance,  he  was  looking 
out  for  a  good  place  in  which  to  lay  his  bones.  In 
this  hour  of  peril,  who  should  make  his  appearance 
but  Uncle  Ishmael,  who,  aside  from  his  color,  would 
have  made  a  good  ghost.  But  no  matter — he  ren- 
dered the  assistance  that  I  required  ;  and,  notwith- 
standing he  has  been  dead  for  more  than  twenty 
yearSj  I  cannot  do  less  than  record  his  name  and 
his  kindness,  with  a  promise  that,  should  any  of 
his  posterity  be  an  hungered  and  I  have  any  bread 
to  spare,  they  shall  have  a  slice  with  butter  on  it, 

Had  I  continued  in  sphere  and  in  employment 
till  now,  as  I  commenced  in  early  life,  the  time 
that  I  have  spent  in  writing  this  account  of  my- 
self, might  have  been  occupied  in  a  way  more  con- 
ducive to  my  own  interest  and  the  benefit  of  man- 
kind at  large.  It  is  a  question,  however,  of  some 
doubt  in  my  own  mind,  after  all,  whether  it  wa3 
ever  designed  that  I  should  prove  a  very  conspicu- 
ous item  of  clear  net  profit  to  the  world,  at  best- 


200  BIOGRAPHY. 

How  could  such  a  thing  be  ?  What  circumstances 
have  there  been  shown,  connected  with  my  gene- 
alogy, nativity,  early  employments,  and  scanty  op- 
portunities for  gaining  knowledge,  that  would  jus- 
tify such  an  expectation  ?  The  great  subject  of 
wonder  is,  that  I  have  accomplished  the  little  for 
which  I  have  received  such  ample  and  generous 
testimonials  of  approbation,  rather  than  that  I  have 
not  done  more. 

Thirty-five  years  ago,  schools  were  not  conduct- 
ed as  they  are  now.  The  mode  of  communicating 
instruction  was  inefficient — comparatively  a  waste 
of  time.  My  geographical  knowledge  was  gained 
from  reading  Morse's  Geography  ;  not  from  under- 
standing so  much  as  one  word  of  it.  The  words 
latitude,  longitude,  and  bounded,  were  sounds  with- 
out meaning ;  and  whether  the  places  described 
were  East,  West,  North,  or  South,  or  in  a  perpen- 
dicular direction  from  the  place  where  I  then  stood, 
I  knew  not,  thought  not.  My  knowledge  of  gram- 
mar was  gained  from  hearing  older  boys  repeat 
Murray's  Rule  I.,  which  says  "a  verb  must  agree 
with  its  nominative  case,  in  number  and  person," 
until  I  could  recite  the  rule  with  the  utmost  accu- 
racy ;  but  signification  was  out  of  the  question. 
Design,  application,  and  use  never  entered  my 
thoughts.  In  reading  Morse's  Geography,  it  is 
true,  I  realized  some  benefit,  for  I  learned  to  pro* 


BIOGRAPHY,  201 

nounce  words  with  facility ;  but,  aside  from  that 
advantage,  I  might  as  well  have  read  a  modern 
sized  newspaper  from  one  side  to  the  other,  cross- 
wise, embracing  in  one  line,  fires,  gales,  prices 
current,  auction  sales,  breaches  of  promise,  ship- 
wrecks, marriages,  rail-roads,  patent  rights,  bal- 
loons, turtle-soup,  theatres,  and  nullifications  ;  or 
instead  of  Morse's  Geography,  I  might  as  well  have 
read  Moses9  Geography  of  the  country  from  Egypt 
to  Canaan. 

I  learned  the  multiplication-table  in  the  same 
manner  and  with  the  same  profit  that  I  learned  to 
read  Morse's  Geography.  I  could  repeat,  "  three 
times  three  are  nine,  three  times  four  are  twelve," 
with  as  much  rapidity  as  any  of  the  boys ;  but 
whether  three  times  three  were  nine  apples,  or 
three  times  three  sleepies  were  nine  sleepies,  or 
whether  three  times  four  hungries  were  twelve 
hungries,  my  teacher  did  not  inform  me,  nor  did  I 
stop  to  inquire. 

If  I  mistake  not,  it  was  in  Webster's  Spelling 
Book  that  we  used  to  read  these  lines  :  "  The 
wicked  flee  when  no  man  pursue th,  but  the  right- 
eous ar°  4a  bold  as  a  lion."  To  me,  this  sentence 
was iffi  tremely  ambiguous.  It  might  as  well  have 
read :  The  wicked  mosqueto  when  no  man  pursueth, 
but  the  righteous  are  as  bold  as  a  lion. 

The  doctrine  of  the  text,  as  I  understood  it,  was, 


202  BIOGRAPHY. 

that  there  were  some  good  fleas  as  well  as  some 
wicked  fleas;  for  I  thought  that  the  idea,  when 
fully  carried  out,  required  to  be  expressed  in  these 
words  :  The  wicked  flea  when  no  man  pursueth, 
but  the  righteous  fleas  are  as  bold  as  a  lion. 

Had  my  instructor  explained  to  me  the  signifi- 
cation of  the  word  flea,  as  it  appeared  in  the  spell- 
ing book,  the  error  which  I  had  imbibed  would  have 
been  corrected.  But  this  was  not  done  ;  and  the 
result  of  this  neglect  on  the  part  of  my  teacher, 
was,  to  leave  upon  my  mind  a  lasting  prejudice 
against  the  disposition  and  moral  character  of  fleas. 
Even  to  this  day,  (so  durable  are  early  impres- 
sions,) I  fancy  them  to  be  a  race  of  incorrigible 
sinners. 

I  mention  these  circumstances  as  an  illustration 
of  the  old-fashioned  method  of  instructing  children 
at  school,  not  to  show  myself  on  the  wrong  side 
of  a  comparison  with  my  schoolmates.  On  the 
contrary,  there  were  but  very  few  of  the  number 
that  could  read  Morse's  Geography  or  recite  the 
multiplication-table  as  fast  as  I  could.  Hence, 
with  all  the  disadvantages  connected  with  my  early 
opportunities  for  gaining  instruction,  I  maintained 
a  superiority  over  the  majority  of  my  schoolmates, 
which  might  have  excited  their  jealousy,  and  crea- 
ted in  my  own  mind  a  degree  of  vanity,  but  for  the 
neutralizing  or  equalizing  effect  produced  by  a  still 


BIOGRAPHY.  203 

more  engrossing  ambition,  mutually  indulged,  to 
excel  in  snow-balling,  playing  tag,  and  sliding 
down  hill. 

The  sons  of  farmers  who  own  one  hundred  acres 
of  land,  two  yoke  of  oxen,  a  span  of  horses,  have 
ten  fat  hogs  in  the  pen,  milk  six  cows,  and  live  in 
a  painted  house,  seldom  manifest  a  consciousness, 
at  the  early  time  of  life  I  am  speaking  of,  that 
their  present  condition  or  their  future  prospects  in 
the  world  should  constitute  any  just  cause  of  dis- 
tinction between  themselves  and  the  sons  of  neigh- 
boring farmers  who  own  less  land,  fewer  cattle, 
and  have  but  three  fat  hogs  in  the  pen,  and  live  in 
an  unpainted  house.  It  is  not  strange,  then,  that 
the  mixed  group  of  boys  and  girls  at  a  country- 
school^  should  be  content  to  sit  upon  one  bench, 
and  promiscuously  join  in  their  sports,  even  though 
some  be  furnished  with  a  new  suit  in  each  year, 
while  others  are  afforded  but  one  suit  for  every 
other  year. 

As  a  general  rule,  it  may  be  said  of  farmer's 
sons,  that  as  soon  as  they  become  old  enough  and 
strong  enough  to  render  any  assistance  in  cultiva- 
ting the  land,  they  are  thus  employed  in  the  sum- 
mer season,  and  in  the  winter  permitted  to  go  to 
school.  This  was  just  my  case  from  the  time  I 
was  about  ten  years  old  till  I  was  sixteen.  My 
first  lessons  in  the  business  of  hoeing  corn,  were 


204  BIOGRAPHY* 

taken  at  so  early  a  period  of  life,  that  to  hoe  three 
and  skip  three,  and  keep  up — -like  paying  ten  shil- 
lings on  the  pound- — was  considered  a  satisfactory 
performance.  I  do  not  suppose  that  all  my  read- 
ers are  sufficiently  learned  to  understand  what  is 
meant  by  hoeing  three  and  skipping  three,  although 
they  may  sooner  or  later  be  taught,  experiment- 
ally, the  signification  of  paying  or  receiving  ten 
shillings  on  the  pound.  But  I  must  tell  my  story 
in  appropriate  terms,  whether  I  am  understood  or 
not.  Thus  was  I  raised  among  a  class  of  people 
who  labored  for  a  livelihood — who  procured  vict- 
uals, clothes,  and  a  shelter  by  hard  work  ;  and 
amongst  whom  I  had  my  share  both  of  the  toil  and 
its  compensation  :  nor  did  I  feel  any  conscientious 
scruples  in  being  thus  employed.  Indeed,  it  was 
many  years  after  I  left  home,  before  I  ever  sus- 
pected that  it  was  ungenteel  to  work ;  and  so  irre- 
sistable  is  the  influence  of  early  habits,  that,  even 
to  this  day,  in  defiance  of  all  refined  principles  by 
which  others  may  be  kept  in  awe,  when  I  have 
occasion  to  purchase  a  ball  of  thread  or  a  skein  of 
silk,  I  seldom  avail  myself  of  the  kind  offer  of  the 
merchant  to  send  it  to  my  house  ;  but  carry  it 
home  myself,  let  whoever  will,  see  me  do  it.  In- 
deed, I  feel  myself  quite  disfranchised  when,  by 
the  customs  of  city  society,  I  am  required  to  pay 
a  man  for  rolling  my  wheel-barrow,  instead  of  per- 


BIOGRAPHIC  205 

forming  the  agreeable  task  myself.  It  is  said  that 
an  honest  man  is  the  noblest  work  of  God  ;  but 
they  forgot  to  put  in  the  saving  clause— provided 
he  does  not  labor  for  a  support, 

I  have  said  that  the  time  was,  when  I  did  not 
suspect  that  it  was  ungenteel  to  work  ;  but  I  now 
understand  why  it  is  that  Miss  Eliza,  the  respecta. 
ble  daughter  of  a  respectable  lady  who  keeps  are- 
spectable  boarding  house,  takes  her  seat  at  the  head 
of  the  table  and  turns  out  tea  and  coffee  ;  while 
Lydia,  the  table-waiter,  in  the  absence  of  Miss 
Eliza,  is  required,  when  performing  the  same  du- 
ties, to  stand  up  as  erect  and  as  conspicuous  as  a 
country  tavern-keeper's  sign  post. 

I  now  understand  the  difference  between  going 
to  the  grocer's  to  get  a  jug  of  molasses,  as  does 
Robert,  the  colored  boy,  and  of  going  to  the  bank 
in  Wall-street  with  a  check  of  a  thousand  dollars, 
as  does  young  Mr.  Hobbs  for  his  very  respectful 
employer,  a  Pearl-street  jobber.  It  is  now  no  mys- 
tery to  me,  why  the  conspicuous  station  of  the 
man  who  rides  every  morning  (he  never  walks) 
from  street  to  street,  crying  "  Charcoal"  is  so 
little  coveted,  even  by  those  who  think  it  a  great 
treat  to  ride  once  in  six  months.  I  now  perceive 
the  infinite,  insurmountable,  and  awful  distinction 
between  carrying  quills,  wafers,  and  sealing-wax 
from  counting-room  to  counting-room,  in  pursuit 
18 


206  BIOGRAPHY. 

of  purchasers,  and  of  figuring  in  the  right  honora- 
ble capacity  of  importer  and  wholesale  vender  of 
the  selfsame  kinds  of  goods. 

The  comparative  dignity  of  vending  marbles, 
dolls,  and  glass-beads  by  the  bushel,  and  snuff-boxes 
by  the  cart-load,  as  does  Mr.  *****  of  Maiden-lane; 
and  of  hawking  penny-papers,  "Sun,"  "Transcript," 
and  "  Herald"  as  do  the  little,  bare  headed,  Irish 
boys  at  the  corner  of  Nassau  and  Fulton,  is  no 
longer  hard  for  me  to  comprehend,  to  analyze,  and 
to  expound.  The  sculptor's  chisel  will,  in  due 
time,  record  on  monumental  marble,  the  marvellous 
virtues  of  the  one  ;  while  of  the  other,  it  can  only 
be  said  that,  as  they  were* never  remembered,  there- 
fore they  never  can  be  forgotten. 

We  need  not  go  to  the  tented  field  nor  on  board 
a  man-of-war  to  learn  the  comparative  degrees  in 
which  respectability  attaches  itself  to  men  of  high, 
low,  or  middle  station.  We  have  our  thermometers, 
barometers,  gasometers,  and  hydrometers,  each  of 
which  performs  its  office  with  admirable  precision  ; 
but  they  are  fully  equalled,  if  not  surpassed,  by  the 
infallible  accuracy  of  the  native,  universal,  and  in- 
destructible gradometer,  a  little,  snug,  well  made 
piece  of  furniture  that  hangs  suspended  in  one 
corner  of  every  man's  intellectual  chest  of  tools. 
On  all  ordinary  occasions  we  can  arrive  at  satis- 
factory conclusions  without  a  very  close,  scrutini- 
zing application  of  this  unerring  test. 


Biography.  207 

We  cannot  well  mistake  the  ascending  grades 
of  respectability,  as  we  turn  from  the  man  of  mor- 
tar-making destiny,  to  Professor  Hod,  whose  lad- 
der-climbing dexterity  soon  transfers  him  to  the 
imposing  presence  of  a  brick-laying  apprentice,  that 
is,  taking  instructions  under  the  fearful  authority 
of a  journeyman  mason,  whose  high  prerogative  it 
is  to  be  the  medium  of  command  that  originates  in 
the  still  more  august  personage  of  the  master-buil- 
der. Indeed,  the  most  superficial  observer  need 
not  err  in  determining  the  degree  of  rank  and  of 
respectability  that  is  to  be  awarded  to  the  lean, 
wrinkled,  and  sun-burned  remnant  of  a  woman 
whose  beggarly  condition  suggests  the  idea  that 
she  has  been  permitted,  on  parole  obtained  from 
the  crows,  to  sell  chestnuts,  Spitzenbergs,  Rhode- 
Island  greenings,  and  candy,  on  the  corner  of  Wall 
and  William — it  requires,  I  say,  but  the  slightest 
effort  of  mind  to  determine  between  the  compara- 
tive degree  of  credit,  responsibility,  and  respecta- 
bility that  is  conceded  to  this  hopeless,  helpless 
wreck,  and  that  which  the  healthy,  cheerful,  well 
fed,  and  well  clad  female  who  occupies  a  stand  in 
Fulton-market,  and  deals  out  cherries  by  the  full 
quart  and  whortleberries  by  the  ivhole  peck,  is  per- 
mitted to  enjoy. 

The  lights  and  shades  of  precedence,  although 
perhaps  not  quite  so  obvious  nor  quite  so  palpable 


208 


BIOGRAPHY. 


as  the  two  extremes  of  Bowling  Green  and  the 
Five  Points  might  supply,  are,  nevertheless,  to  be 
seen  even  in  the  poor  house.  Paupers  themselves, 
however  much  they  may  abhor  the  arrogance  of 
those  upon  whose  bounty  they  subsist,  are,  in  their 
intercourse  with  one  another,  an  unequivocal  illus- 
tration of  the  fact,  that  the  inextinguishable  spirit 
of  rivalry,  scorn,  and  disdain,  pervades  the  whole 
earth.  Vice,  too,  whose  only  modesty  and  whose 
only  token  of  self-respect  is  shown  in  the  choice 
of  darkness  rather  than  light  for  the  performance 
of  its  sensual  and  unlawful  deeds,  has  its  select  cir- 
cles of  companionship,  Indeed,  the  spirit  of  aris- 
tocracy is  nowhere  more  prevalent  in  its  influence, 
than  among  pickpockets,  counterfeiters,  pirates, 
and  gamblers  ;  unless,  in  fact,  it  be  among  females 
of  the  most  abandoned  character.  Among  this 
latter  class  of  unfortunate  victims  whose  highest 
hopes  are  crowned  with  despair  and  whose  bright- 
est prospects  are  premature  death,  there  are,  from 
proud,  scornful  distress  in  silken  garb,  down  to 
hungry,  ragged,  rabid  woe,  as  many  grades  as 
there  are  ascending  degrees  from  bitter  drug  to 
drug  most  bitter  of  all  that  bitter  is. 

But  the  time  will  come,  when,  so  far  as  all  tem- 
poral interests  are  concerned,  the  man  who  now 
edits  a  daily  penny-chronicle,  and  the  little,  dirty 
boys  who  hawk  it  about  the  street — when  the  man 


BIOGRAPHY.  209 

who  now  deals  in  oranges  by  the  ship-load,  and 
the  women  who  dispense  them  to  steam-boat  pas- 
sengers, "  four  for  a  shilling" — when  the  man  who 
now  walks  about  the  streets  of  a  city,  bending  un- 
der the  weight  of  a  lathe  and  grindstone  upon  his 
back,  gingling,  as  he  goes,  a  little  hand-bell,  which 
signifies  "  Any  scissors  or  razors  to  grind,''  and 
the  man  who,  with  clean  hands,  clean  clothes,  and 
clean  conscience,  keeps  an  office  and  a  mill  for 
"grinding  the  faces  of  the  poor" — will  all  become 
joint  tenants  of  one  house  and  equal  partners  in 
one  common  destiny,  under  stipulations  that  shall 
have  no  reference  to  rank,  privileges,  profit,  or  loss. 
Indeed,  the  time  may  come,  when  the  man  who 
now,  with  his  hands  and  face  as  black  as  the  arti- 
cle in  which  he  traffics,  performs  his  daily  rounds, 
'perpetrating  the  same  monotonous,  never  ending 
song  of  "  charcoal  ,•"  and  the  man  whose  carpeted 
counting-room,  with  polished  mahogany-desk,  re- 
cords negotiation  in  Lehigh  and  Schuylkill  to  the 
amount  of  millions — when  the  palzied  debauchee, 
the  idle,  worthless  loafer,  and  the  still  more  worth- 
less dandy  whose  laudable  employment  it  is  to  walk 
the  battery  and  the  park,  labelled  with  a  straw- 
rattan  in  his  right,  a  spare  white  kid  glove  in  his 
left,  with  the  mane  of  an  ass  upon  his  upper  lip, 
to  keep  his  fellow-fools  in  countenance,  and,  withal, 
to  insure  himself  a  soft  reception  into  the  soft  so> 
18* 


210  Biography. 

ciety  of  soft  females — will  meet  in  company  with 
chimney-sweeps,  to  sit  at  the  same  table  and  lodge 
in  the  same  berth,  where  fuel  and  fire  are  alike 
spontaneous,  inexhaustible,  and  unquenchable. 

But  I  am  getting  away  from  my  story,  and  I 
must  go  back  and  begin  where  I  left  off. 

From  my  earliest  recollection,  I  had  a  desire  to 
be  employed  as  a  clerk  in  a  store  ;  although  I  do 
not  remember  any  other  motive  for  cherishing  this 
desire,  than  that  of  being  relieved  from  toiling  in 
the  field,  exposed  to  the  scorching  rays  of  the  sun, 
on  the  one  hand,  and  of  my  childish  fondness  for 
sugar  and  raisins,  on  the  other.  But  when,  where, 
and  how  were  my  wishes  to  be  gratified?  Such 
an  event,  to  all  appearance,  was  altogether  beyond 
the  reach  of  probability.  But  how  little  do  we 
know,  to-day,  of  what  may  transpire  to-morrow  ! 
The  long  wished  for  but  unexpected  opportunity 
did  at  length  present  itself;  and,  with  the  advice 
and  consent  of  my  parents,  I  gladly  embraced  it. 
I  regarded  my  new  employment  as  a  kind  of  pro- 
motion ;  and  I  will  venture  to  say,  that  seldom  did 
a  private  soldier  feel  more  elated,  when  advanced 
from  his  lowest  capacity  in  the  ranks,  to  the  cor- 
poral's next  higher  peg,  than  I  did  at  this  time. 
What  orator  who  does  not  remember  the  embar- 
rassment that  he  felt  when  first  he  addressed  a 
public  audience  ?     What  young  divine  who  cannot 


BIOGRAPHY.  211 

lefl  of  disconcerted  palpitations,  when  first  he  as- 
cended the  pulpit-stairs  ?  My  case  was  not  a  par- 
allel one,  exactly,  it  is  true  ;  but  I  had  been  accus- 
tomed to  regard  the  inside  of  a  merchant's  counter 
as  consecrated  to  the  occupation  of  a  sort  of  pri- 
vileged class.  It  was  a  new  sphere  to  me,  and  I 
hardly  knew  how  to  act  in  it.  I  felt  a  little  as  I 
had  done  on  former  occasions,  when  I  had  slily 
crept  over  the  fence  into  the  meadow  of  a  neighs 
boring  farmer,  to  gather  strawberries.  Perhaps  I 
shall  be  better  understood,  if  I  say  that  I  felt  a 
little  as  every  silly  youth  feels,  when,  On  Sunday 
morning,  he  lays  aside  his  old,  threadbare  coat,  and 
puts  on  his  new  one  in  its  stead*  I  am  not  sure 
that  I  did  not  feel,  in  some  respects,  like  a  young 
couple  when  first  they  appear  at  church,  after 
having  been  pronounced  husband  and  wife*  Ah 
though  1  was  a  little  disconcerted,  still  I  was  plea* 
sed.  I  did  not,  however,  realize  it  as  an  event  of 
that  all-absorbing  interest  which,  in  my  childish 
days,  I  fancied  to  be  connected  with  my  first  suit 
of  boy's  clothes.  Nevertheless,  in  truth,  it  was 
an  event  that  in  its  train  of  consequences  ha3  pro- 
ved the  sum  of  my  joys  and  the  measure  of  my 
grief.  And  here,  with  veneration,  let  it  be  said 
that,  unto  God  alone  is  known  how  much  our  char- 
acter and  condition,  through  a  life  of  perhaps  three 
score  years  and  ten,  depend  upon  what  in  the  out- 


210  BIOGRAPHY, 

set  we  may  regard  as  of  the  most  trivial  impor- 
tance. 

Who  that  has  arrived  to  the  ripe  age  of  forty? 
can  look  back  upon  his  past  life,  deliberately  re- 
viewing some  of  those  critical  moments  when  as- 
sailed by  temptations  and  threatened  by  impend- 
ing dangers,  to  which  may  be  added  the  honest 
though  mortifying  errors  of  an  inexperienced  judg- 
ment ;  and,  while  he  trembles  in  the  recollection 
of  the  many  narrow  escapes  with  life,  limb,  and 
unsullied  reputation, — not  be  constrained  to  render 
acknowledgments  and  thanksgivings  to  that  divine 
and  ever  watchful  guardianship  to  which  he  is  in- 
debted for  his  protection? 

Should  my  story  run  from  one  extreme  to  another7 
it  will  not  be  altogether  my  fault ;  for  my  whole 
life,  from  the  cradle,  till  I  was  thirty  years  old, 
has  been  distinguished  by  nothing  more  than  by 
the  irregularities  of  my  employments,  the  alter- 
nate hopes  and  fears  that  were  excited  by  the 
diversity  of  passing  realities,  and  the  doubtful 
complexion  of  every  thing  that  sober  sense  could 
anticipate  in  prospect. 

I  have  already  said  something  about  a  certain 
kind  of  sympathy,  a  peculiar  principle,  the  exer- 
cise of  which  is  called  love.  Nature  implanted  in 
my  soul  a  liberal  share  of  this  blessed  passion. 
Perhaps,  however,  I  am  wrong  in  naming  the  soul 


BIOGRAPHY, 


213 


as  the  location  of  this  heavenly  inspiration ;  as, 
for  aught  I  know,  its  birthplace  may  be  in  the  brain 
or  heart ;  and  then  again,  ten  chances  to  one  that 
it  circulates  in  the  blood,  from  the  toes  to*  the 
finger's  end,  distributing  its  irresistible  influence 
into  every  part  of  the  whole  system.  One  thing 
is  certain, — whether  called  sympathy,  affection, 
sentiment  or  love,  or  whether  it  is  located  in  one 
place  or  another, — it  is  an  active  and  powerful 
agent,  urging  all  to  partake  of  the  blessings  it 
was  designed  to  impart.  There  is  no  philosophy 
in  love,  it  is  true ;  nor  is  it  philosophy  to  deny  its 
power  or  to  resist  its  claims.  It  is  one  of  those 
cases  where  submission  is  the  "  better  part  of 
valor."  Was  I  taught  then,  by  such  views,  to 
pass  away  thirty  long,  lonely,  desponding  years 
in  single  wretchedness?  or,  was  it  because,  like  the 
lawyer  I  have  spoken  of,  I  was  so  unskilful  in 
making  love  to  the  fair  sex,  that  success  never 
crowned  my  efforts  1  Not  so ;  at  least  not  wholly 
so.  Examples  are  not  wanting  to  show,  that  a 
man  without  house  or  home,  without  education 
or  manners,  (an  instance  now  occurring  to  my 
mind  in  support  of  the  assertion,)  and  even  with- 
out hands  or  feet,  can,  within  the  ordinary  time  of 
business  credit,  (say  90  days  after  sight,  and 
grace  added,)  prevail  upon  somebody  to  accept 
him  for  a  husband,  and  that  too  without  an  in- 


214  BIOGRAPHY, 

dorser ;  but  how  long  both,  or  either  of  the  parties 
will  rejoice  in  the  benefits  resulting  from  the  con- 
tract, is  more  than  I  know. 

To  obtain  a  wife  was  one  thing,  to  support  her 
is  another  part  of  the  experiment ;  besides,  it 
might  be  prudent  to  foresee  wherewithal  strangers 
[should  they  in  process  of  time  chance  to  make  a 
complimentary  call,)  might  be  comfortably  accom- 
modated. 

The  truth  is,  I  thought  at  the  age  of  twenty- 
five,  that  I  possessed  an  ambition  and  a  discrimi- 
nation in  relation  to  many  things,  the  expense 
attending  which,  by  far  exceeded  my  means  and 
my  prospects ;  and  so  far  as  this  disproportion 
between  my  will  and  my  power  was  concerned, 
my  own  case  furnishes  a  picture,  of  which  the 
condition  of  thousands  supplies  an  exact  likeness. 

It  usually  happens,  I  might  safely  say  it  always 
happens,  that  when  various  laws  or  principles, 
tending  to  opposite  effects,  are  put  in  operation 
and  come  in  contact  with  each  other,  some  dis- 
turbance or  commotion,  if  not  a  careful  explosion, 
takes  place  ;  and  tranquility  cannot  be  restored, 
until  the  adverse  qualities  of  each  shall  have  be- 
come neutralized  by  the  very  effort  that  has  been 
made  for  an  ascendency,  or  until  the  agent  of 
preponderating  might  shall  have  subued  the  weak- 
er powers,  and  assumed  a  governing  control  over 


BIOGRAPHY.  215 

the  whole.  I  take  this  position  to  illustrate  my 
case.  When  I  was  old  enough  to  attract  the  at- 
attention  of  the  girls, — yes,  that  will  do, — I 
did  not  fail  in  return  to  be  by  them  enthralled 
two  for  one,  to  pay  for  it.  I  then  regarded  con- 
nubial bliss  as  the  highest  grade  of  human  hap- 
piness ;  so  I  do  now.  But  I  then  viewed  the 
matrimonial  union  as  a  sort  of  deed,  or  rather  a 
kind  of  bond  and  mortgage,  by  which  permanent, 
perpetual,  and  perfect  happiness  was  secured;  nor 
was  I  more  foolish  in  this  delusive  dream,  than 
thousands  of  others,  who  upon  trial  have  found 
their  error.  Was  it  strange  that  [  should  sigh  to 
gain  possession  of  such  inestimable  treasures? 
and  is  it  a  subject  of  wonder,  that  intervening  ob- 
stacles which  render  such  an  attainment  impracti- 
cable, should  cast  a  gloom  over  jny  mind  1  Be- 
sides, independently  of  the  causes  of  which  I  have 
been  speaking,  I  was  habitually  thoughtful,  distrust- 
ful of  my  own  capacity,  and  inclined  to  the  belief 
that  fortune  had  no  favors  for  me  in  store  In  my 
general  deportment,  however,  I  was  an  example  of 
morality,  industry,  and  temperance.  I  never  in- 
dulged in  any  of  those  excesses  which  prove  the 
final  ruin  of  so  many  young  men.  Indeed,  I  sel. 
dom  took  part  even  in  those  amusements  which 
are  of  a  harmless  character.  I  had  neither  incli- 
nation nor  opportunity  for  dancing,  nor  did  I  fre- 


216  BIOGRAPHY 

quent  evening  parties.  To  be  minute  on  this  point, 
I  never  danced  a  step  in  my  life,  and  never  shall, 
although  I  think  it  an  innocent  amusement.  I 
never  attended  a  theatre  but  once,  and  never  at- 
tended an  evening  party  in  my  life.  Neither  did 
I  ever  attend  but  one  wedding,  and  that  was  when 
I  deserted  the  ranks  of  celebacy  myself;  and  I  am 
not  certain  that  I  ever  shall  attend  another,  unless 
(which  I  hope  may  not  be  the  case,)  I  should  be- 
come a  widower ;  in  which  event  I  am  resolved, 
in  honor  to  myself,  and  in  testimony  of  my  estima- 
tion of  female  character  and  female  influence,  to 
be  present  on  another  similar  occasion,  as  soon  as 
a  proper  respect  for  the  customs  of  society  will 
permit. 

As  a  general  rule,  the  man  who  has  arrived  at 
a  suitable  age,  having  the  means  to  support  a  fam- 
ily, and  can  marry,  but  does  not,  cheats  himself 
most  prodigiously. 

It  is  true,  that  in  negociating  a  marriage  con- 
tract, a  man  may  be  cheated  in  a  still  higher  de- 
gree ;  for  there  is,  as  I  have  before  said,  no  pJiilos. 
ophy  in  matters  of  love,  and  I  might  add,  but  little 
discretion  ;  but  in  three  cases  out  of  four,  where 
there  is  cause  to  regret  the  indissoluble  union,  it 
is  the  fault  of  the  husband,  as  I  am  inclined  to  be- 
lieve, and  not  that  of  the  wife. 

With  country  boys,  there  is  a  formality  connect- 


BIOGRAPHY.  217 

ed  with  the  business  of  courting,  that  would  exceed 
the  fortitude  of  an  experienced  champion  in  gal- 
lantry, taken  from  the  higher  and  more  fashionable 
circles  of  life.  It  is  a  ceremony,  too,  that  must 
often  be  conducted  under  circumstances  the  most 
awfully  appalling.  Let  the  reader  suppose  himself 
a  candidate  for  an  adventure  of  this  sort.  Here, 
then,  are  your  instructions,  suited  to  the  condition 
in  which  the  inhabitants  of  a  new  country  are  to 
be  found.  It  is  proper  that  I  should  mention,  that 
when  I  was  ten  years  old,  my  father  moved  into 
the  State  of  New  York,  and  located  himself  and 
family  in  a  region  which  was  then  comparatively 
new.  After  having  toiled  six  days  of  the  week, 
presuming  the  lass  for  whom  you  design  to  culti- 
vate a  friendship  to  have  been  as  industrious  as 
yourself,  and  having  passed  the  major  part  of  the 
seventh  day  in  rest ;  having  too,  perhaps,  taken 
two  or  three  hours  sleep,  just  by  way  of  fortifica- 
tion, you  will  commence  your  walk,  say  three 
miles,  across  lots,  (being  careful  not  to  tear  your 
Sunday  pantaloons  in  climbing  over  the  fences,) 
or  if  you  choose,  four  miles  round  by  the  road,  to 
the  place  you  have  in  view.  Upon  arriving  at  the 
house,  you  will  knock  with  your  knuckles  against 
the  door,  when  you  will  hear  a  grum  voice  bid  you 
"come  in."  By  this  signal  the  dog  will  be  roused 
from  his  slumbers,  and  proceed,  growling  and  bark-. 
19 


21S  BIOGRAPHY, 

ing,  to  meet  you  as  you  enter  the  house.  Every 
voice  will  be  raised  to  silence  that  of  the  saucy 
dog,  who  after  receiving  two  or  three  good  hearty 
kicks,  and  a  well  directed  blow  from  the  broom, 
handle  or  tongs,  will  be  driven  under  the  bed  out 
of  the  way.  Compliments,  like  certain  kinds  of 
fish,  vegetables,  and  fruits,  are  good  only  in  the 
season  of  them  ;  and  hence  the  words  come  in  meant 
for  you,  and  get  out  meant  for  the  dog  ;  how  do 
you  do, — take  a  chair, — and  begone  you  cur, — will 
be  uttered  in  almost  cne  unbroken  sentence  with- 
out  punctuation.  There  will  be  no  room,  howev- 
er, for  mistake  in  construction,  for  the  blow  which 
the  dog  receives  from  the  broom-handle  will  inter- 
pret  the  jargon  to  a  demonstration ;  so  that  you 
may  consider  yourself  respectfully  received,  not- 
withstanding the  words  come  in  and  get  out  are 
uttered  in  such  close  and  rapid  connection. 

By  the  time  you  are  cleverly  seated,  you  will  be 
asked  if  there  is  any  news  stirring  in  your  neigh- 
borhood :  to  which  interrogation  circumstances 
will  determine  the  snswer.  Then  your  opinion  of 
the  weather  will  be  solicited,  which  of  course  you 
will  give,  alluding  to  such  indications  as  seem  to 
favor  the  judgment  you  have  formed.  You  will 
understand  that  the  subject  is  introduced  for  talk's 
sake  solely  ;  and  therefore  the  more  you  enlarge 
upon  it,  the  better.     Whether  your   conjectures 


BIOGRAPHY.  219 

should  correspond  with  the  event  or  not,  is  a  mat- 
ter of  no  importance  at  all ;  for  every  word  that 
you  say  will  be  forgotten  long  before  the  rising  of 
the  next  sun.  In  the  mean  time,  Miss  ******  will 
begin  to  suspect  your  errand.  Indeed,  the  pre- 
sumption  is,  that,  by  this  time,  she  has  made  up 
her  mind  whether  she  will  permit  you  to  stay  with 
her,  or  not ;  and  you  have  only  to  ask  the  question, 
to  ascertain  your  fate. 

To  be  thoroughly,  respectfully,  scientifically  and 
affectionately  stayed  with,  is  to  be  kept  up  all  night* 
even  until  dawn  of  day.  A  visit  from  seven  o'clock 
to  twelve,  would  be  considered  an  odd  and  doubtful 
courtship — a  half-way,  inefficient  style — -a  radical 
error — a  total  lack  of  gallantry.  By-the-by,  the 
house  where  you  will  visit,  will  be,  by  another 
name,  a  log-cabin  with  but  one  room  in  it ;  and  it 
will  bs  in  this  room  that  the  other  members  of  the 
family  will  sleep  ;  and  when  their  hour  of  bed-time 
arrives,  you  will  turn  your  face  one  way  and  your 
back  the  other,  as  it  is  proper  you  should  do,  until 
those  who  are  too  old  or  too  young  to  be  stayed 
with,  shall  have  stowed  themselves  away  for  the 
night. 

At  the  age  of  sixteen,  or  thereabouts,  my  first 
essay  at  courting,  was  connected  with  facilities 
such  as  the  country  afforded  ;  and  which,  if  not 
in  exact  accordance  with  the  peculiarities  that  I 


220  BIOGRAPHY. 

have  named,  might  have  claimed  the  relationship 
of  second  cousin  to  them  at  least.  There  is  no 
other  incident  connected  with  my  whole  life,  that 
furnishes  to  my  mind  a  more  decisive  proof  that 
young  persons  are  often  governed  in  their  actions 
solely  by  motives  of  imitation,  by  a  desire  to  do  as 
others  do ;  and  there  is  not  a  trace  of  feeling  now 
left  on  my  recollection,  which  enables  me  to  ac- 
count for  this  gallant  enterprise,  upon  any  other 
principle.  Hence,  I  do  not  hesitate  to  say  that 
my  first  attempt  at  courting  and  chewing  tobacco, 
originated  in  the  same  veritable  cause.  It  now 
affords  me  great  pleasure  to  state,  that  I  was  alike 
unsuccessful  in  both ;  although  by  the  event,  at 
the  time,  my  pride  was  a  little  mortified  on  the  one 
hand,  and  my  stomach  made  indescribably  sick  on 
the  other.  My  failure,  however,  was  not  one  of 
those  desparate  cases  where  no  dividend  remains 
to  silence  the  tongue  of  slander  and  reproach  ;  for 
as  Miss  ******  intimated  at  the  time,  and  as  I  sub- 
sequently  learned  to  be  the  fact,  her  ladyship  had 
antecedently  bestowed  her  pledge  of  preference 
upon  another  youth  in  that  vicinity,  who,  as  good 
luck  on  my  side  would  have  it,  did  not  happen  to 
make  his  appearance  during  my  stay. 

It  is  often  said,  that  one-half  the  world  are  ig- 
norant of  the  manner  in  which  the  other  half  live  ; 
and  nothing  can  be  more  true.    And  I  mention 


BIOGEAPHY.  '  221 

this  incident  of  my  life,  partly  to  remind  those  who 
live  in  splendor,  having  every  facility  at  command, 
and  possessing  all  the  means  that  convenience  or 
even  a  polished  refinement  can  require,  how  many 
impediments,  disadvantages,  and  obstables  of  every 
sort,  are  to  be  encountered  by  the  first  settlers  of 
a  new  country — that  to  which  I  have  made  par- 
ticular allusion,  being  one  among  many.  And  yet, 
after  all,  you  might  make  diligent  search  for  a 
month,  and  not  meet  with  an  individual,  male  or 
female,  who  had  arrived  at  the  age  of  twenty-one, 
that  was  not  either  married  or  engaged  to  be  so. 

Who  can  but  be  impressed  with  wonder  and  ad- 
miration,  in  view  of  the  readiness  with  wiiich  the 
human  mind  accommodates  itself  to  surrounding 
circumstances  !  While  the  townsman  may  look 
upon  a  country-life  as  a  sort  of  banishment  from 
those  embellishments  that  impart  a  grace  to  social 
intercourse  :  on  the  other  hand,  the  plain,  unpol- 
ished countryman  could  not  be  hired  to  endure  the 
tortures  which  city  fashions  inflict,  nor  the  cere- 
mhnies  which  high  life  imposes,  for  all  the  wealth 
the  world  could  produce. 

A  single  page  remains  to  receive  the  few  words 
that  will  close,  for  the  present,  the  short  account 
I  have  been  giving  of  myself.  It  is  now  eight 
years  since  I  first  appeared  before  the  public,  as 
author  of  a  work  which,  I  am  thankful  in  saying. 
19* 


222  BIOGRAPHY. 

has  met  with  a  reception  as  favorable  as  its  circu- 
lation has  been  extensive.  I  allude  to  "  Preston's 
Treatise  on  Book-Keeping"  certified  to  be  a  plain, 
practical,  common  sense  production.  Since  that 
work  was  first  published,  I  have  travelled  through 
twenty-two  States,  and  visited  nearly  all  of  the 
principal  towns  in  the  Union  ;  and  were  I  to  re- 
count all  the  civilities  that  have  been  extended  to 
me,  and  the  liberality  with  which  the  humble  pro- 
ductions of  my  pen  have  been  patronized— these 
manifestations  of  kindness  from  strangers  too,  an 
entire  volume  might  be  required  to  contain  the 
narration.  There  is,  nevertheless,  nothing  con- 
nected with  my  avocation,  when  all  its  sides  and 
angles  are  justly  estimated,  that  should  excite  an 
envious  thought  or  feeling  in  the  mind  of  any  one. 
My  calling  is  not  the  result  of  choice,  but  of  ac- 
cident. Continuing,  however,  to  regard  myself 
as  an  atom  floating  upon  the  atmosphere  of  public 
patronage,  it  shall  be  my  earnest  endeavor  to  merit 
a  .  repetition  of  favors  from  the  hands  of  those 
whose  past  acts  of  generosity  and  politeness  have 
contributed  so  essentially  to  promote  my  pecuniary 
success ;  and  which,  with  reference  to  personal 
feelings,  constitute  so  much  of  my  happiness  at 
home  and  tranquillity  abroad, 


PUBLISHED  BY 

WILLIAM    A L LING. 


Fifty- third  edition,  enlarged  and  improved  of 

XPtftSLAJB*S  ©^AMlf  A3E, 

IN 

ffiamUiav  ^Lectures, 

DESIGNED    FOB 

SCHOOLS  AND  PRIVATE  LEARNERS, 


"  The  immense  and  frequent  edi- 
tions of  this  valuable  worfc,  which 
have  been  necessary  to  meet  the 
increasing  demands  of  the  public, 
furnish  the  most  decisive  evidence 
of  its  superior  worth.    More  than 


six  hundred  written  testimonials 
from  the  most  distinguished  literati 
have  been  received  by  its  author, 
in  commendation  of  its  simplicity, 
and  its  adaptation  to  the  incipient 
stage  of  a  grammatical  student. 


©OEM!©  m  AMEm®&, 

EMBELLISHED   WITH 

TWENTY-FOUR  ENGRAVINGS, 

DESCRIPTIVE  OF  SCENERY  AND  EARLY  HISTORY, 


Every  child  shouid  be  furnished 
with  this  beautiful  and  cheap  little 
work.  It  contains  brief,  instructive 
and  interesting  notices  of  the  early 


history  of  America,  from  the  first 
landing  of  Columbus  to  the  entry 
of  Washington  into  Philadelphia, 
after  our  Revolutionary  War. 


Just  published,  the  interesting  Tale,  called 

amis  s3iEffiES,©p  ©©^t^hies^ 

DESCRIBING  THE 

SBWSI3B  PHia©!©^!]®^]  AM©  ©@OT!B©[1®K] 

OF 

A  NOBLE  FRENCH  LADY, 

3Y  HER  PROTESTANT  SERVANT,  A  GARDENER. 


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THE   LIFE   OF 

MM  WHIL3LEAME  W A1L1L AOM, 

THE 

(SotzxnoT  (5zntxai  oi  Srotlanfr, 

COLLECTED  FROM  VARIOUS  SCOTTISH  HISTORIES. 


